Damsel In Distress

moving out of blogspot (after 5 years...)

2020-11-20T22:25:00.000+08:00

i'm totally moving in to my new blogsite. blogspot has become too much of a bore, anyway.

this is the new me: www.oddgirl_musings.livejournal.com

2011-06-27T00:20:00.005+08:00

I was on my way home when I suddenly felt the need to define and rationalize this “something” that’s been surfacing in my life these past few weeks. Not that I want to paint colors out of it or give meaning out of the meaningless – its way less mushy and more awkward than that. I just need to make sure that what I have at this point is something that happens to everyone before I even acquire anxiety attack. Then, by mischief of a clueless moment, it suddenly hit me that there’s this physics term I learned in back in college that is closely associated with what I want to call this-something-that-can’t-be-helped.

In the physical world, it’s called Entropy.

For starters, Wikipedia says that Entropy has often been loosely associated with the amount of order, disorder, and/or chaos in a thermodynamic system. The traditional qualitative description of entropy is that it refers to changes in the status quo of the system and is a measure of "molecular disorder" and the amount of wasted energy in a dynamical energy transformation from one state or form to another. Blah, blah, blah.

I want to dig into the part and parcel of the abovementioned description so as not to get too scientific and much more readable and comprehensible:

= Order, disorder, chaos in a system, change in the status quo, wasted energy.

It’s something that can’t be helped. I want to think that entropy exists not just as a law in physics, but as a universal law that is bound to challenge every human being’s way of life. It’s the world telling you that disorder is a natural way of things. That sometimes, no matter how much you want to live normal, to act like nothing’s changed, entropy kicks in, and you’re just bound to fall hard on the floor, face-down, unprepared.

It’s a chaos in a system. AND I CAN’T AGREE MORE. It naturally is a turmoil for me to even allow things to be this way. I want to blame familiarity and idleness as the aggravating sources of entropy in me at this moment. Familiarity, because I’ve become too accustomed with what is at hand, to the people within the vicinity, to the ones whom I could easily gain access to social life with that I have already closed my doors to the others. Idleness, because it’s the lack of something that paved the way to the unbecoming development of this something-that-can’t-be-helped.

Its entropy. Hard core entropy that’s been ruining my life lately. It is to be blamed for feeling what I’m not supposed to feel, what I don’t have the right to feel. I am considering the resolve to get away from the current things, atleast to save myself from the drawbacks of what is called a wasted energy. But its hard to resist something that makes you happy at the moment. It’s hard not to be pleased by this and that and everything else that is being done for you no matter how undeserving you think you are of such things.

BUT IT’S WRONG! It is so wrong the whole idea is already near the vicinity of being “taboo”. So unlikely, thinking about it is a waste of energy on its own. Plus, I don’t want to lose anything by nursing and clinging on this thing-that-can’t-be-helped. I don’t want entropy to ruin this precious gift that I’ve always had through the years because of an abrupt change in status quo. I just can’t.

So this is me saying that entropy forms part of the natural order of things. It is human nature to be plagued with the chaos of feeling something beyond what is expected. Entropy proves that a change in status quo because of external and internal forces of nature is as natural as the process of breathing, as normal as feeling this abnormal thing inside of you that you can no longer wait to drag out of your system.

Its entropy, everyone. And it’s a natural phase. I want to give ample justification to what I am feeling because I know that it is never intentional. Let me reiterate that it just happened because of familiarity and idleness. Some things that can’t be helped.

And it is a phase. And I am bound to get over such destruction. Sooner, please?

back to school?

2010-10-08T14:21:00.002+08:00

I am going back to school this November. It was a spontaneous gesture, I know, and if anyone will ask me why I decided to take up such master’s degree, I wouldn’t even know what to say, exactly. This UP-SOLAIR thing is relatively far-out considering the fact that it has nothing to do with my journalism degree back in college. The art of journal writing and the humanity of industrial relations are entirely different fields, there’s no point of correlation in any way. But who needs correlation when the road map of your life is still as cluttered and as disorganized as the one we have in EDSA. Bad pun, but its true.

But I think I won’t turn my back on this one. Even if uncertainty has already become a day-to-day phenomenon in my life, I still decided to study. Maybe because I want to prevent my intellect from completely deteriorating. The non-functionality of my intellect because of routine tasks for three years has already taken its toll on me. And I think there’s already a dire need for me to crank up the volume of these brain neurons from their three-year slumber. Again, this is major uncertainty but who cares?

I came across an article in Relevant Magazine entitled What To Know When You’re 25(ish). I am not the biggest fan of self-help articles but this one really got me thinking hard about things. I found the article so practical and empathizing I can’t help but marvel on its content. It said… “Don’t get stuck. Move, travel, take a class, take a risk. Walk away, try something new. There is a season for wildness and a season for settledness, and this is neither. This season is about becoming.”

So there. Take a class, it argued. I’ve always wanted to study because they said that it is an important prerequisite of promotion. Who wouldn’t want that, right? But I started to think that life isn’t about promotion and getting a better pay. There’s something about studying – about cramming for exams, about the anxiety over a graded recitation – that makes me feel alive. I want to feel that familiar adrenalin rush I last felt before college graduation. That’s it, even if the road map of the life-that-I-call mine is still slippery and mixed-up; I want to go back to school.

There’s no guarantee that taking up a master’s degree is a direct route to success but I want to give it a try for once. I’ve been too fed up by my chronic disease of a low self esteem that for once, I want to try something new. Out with the old, so they say. It’s about time that I begin to track my way to who I may become in the future. I can’t dwell too much in uncertainty, I’ve subsisted on it for too long and I want to allow myself to hope and to come to terms with this idea that it is also human nature to trust and dream that one day, living in this 3rd world country isn’t as morbid as it appears on television.

The quest for knowledge may be too much of an understatement. I know that I am not that smart. I know from a fact that my intellectual capacity is so limited that sometimes, all I can offer is a sigh of dimwittedness. Taking the credit of being smart cannot be my thing, at all. But passing the braincell-wrecking exam in UP-SOLAIR is just so inviting I think I will give in to such temptation. Like what the SOLAIR professor stressed during the orientation, “you must be proud to enter UP”.

In between uncertainties of what’s life ahead, entering State U is a natural high. Its a fix for people like me who’s been strangled by doubt and the overrated disease they call, quarter-life crisis. The scholastic environment, when I visited UP was so nostalgic, memory lane suddenly presented itself without warning. The pavement felt like it’s trying to direct me to something larger than life. Such invitation was so irresistible; I suddenly lost all these pathetic defences.

I am about to take my master’s degree this November. I felt lazy with the idea that this is a five-year course, and I initially wanted to step back, thinking that I’d miss my long hours of idleness during days-off. Five years are a while. Things could make and break in my life in a span of five years. But as I look at it, at this point in my life, there’s nothing else to lose. I haven’t achieved anything worth keeping yet so there’s no point of contemplating whether or not I should grab this master’s degree. Since I’ve got nothing yet, I want to do something to at least mobilize this dismal status quo in my life.

Industrial Relations and Journalism are water and oil. Twenty-four years of breathing this life actually and vicariously, however, has gotten me to think that life is just a labyrinth of things with no rhyme and reason. I want to think that having another one of these absurdities won’t hurt that much.

UP-SOLAIR, here I come! :)

funny

2010-09-29T22:26:00.002+08:00

stuck in a rut?

2010-08-22T10:41:00.001+08:00

its true when they say that life after college swallows you whole - hook, line, and sinker. college is all theoretical, and once you set your feet on the pavement of labor force, you definitely find yourself engulfed by this system of paychecks and paying taxes.

you begin to notice how each day makes you older half the time. the wrinkles and fine lines may not be visible on your face yet, but the things that you have to go through everyday when you start working ages you furiously you won't even have the time to stop and breathe.

your intelligent theories and self-fullfilling ideals already become a thing of the past. because you're suddenly thrusted into the world of dirty competition and paying bills. you will always think of college and of the days gone by but you also become too rational to think that college already bid its goodbye a couple of years ago and will never find the nerve to come back. so by then you just come to terms with the idea that things change, and then you let yourself get devoured by life.

i have been working for three years already. ive already had my fair share of our governement's sustainability by religiously paying taxes. i say religious because tax is automatically deducted from my salary. this is a no-option-to-decline kind of thing to all workers. but its okay, i know that it is every citizen's responsibility to pay their taxes, its like buying our right to live safe and sound in our country. and i have no problem with that.

yes, you get devoured by real life. everything becomes routinary and your muscles begin to voluntarily adapt to such unlikely routine. you get to do the same things. your quizzes, papers, and homeworks will be converted into tasks assigned by your boss - and the result of the task becomes directly proportional to the rate of possible promotion. so you run for your life by ensuring that tasks are done perfectly. but at the end of the day, politics still gets in the way. no pun intended. the kissass people are scattered in places you may never anticipate. and they can hit you in the most unsuspecting instances. you just find yourself being just-that-second-best because they do every possible way to become that-one-on-top no matter how mediocre they truly are. hideous they are. and you always have no clue.

but you still gain friends and they will become the best people you've met simply because they are also devoured by real life. they are your co-victims, so to speak. and predictably, you content yourselves by your occassional drinking sessions. drinking suddenly becomes your natural high. sometimes you also smoke with them because inhaled smoke is another natural high suitable for forgetting how a day sucks the life out of you. your friends at work suddenly become the best friends you never knew existed.

i just resigned from a job that i have adapted with for three years. i want to say it's a leap of faith, because i want to pursue the idea that this is what i've always wanted. and this new job is familiaring the every nerve of me again. routine is welcoming me back and this time, there are so much uncertainties that thinking about these is already becoming a bore. so i resolved to the fact to let things go as they're supposed to and pursue a full-blown wishful thinking after.

there are just so many things that i want to do. so many things i dream of doing, like taking up a masters degree just so i can upgrade an almost non-existent intellect. yes, its true that routinary work weakens your logic and memory because you get too much adapted to pattern. and adapting to pattern is, in every way, the doom of your supposed desire to move forward.

life after college is the REAL LIFE, i want to beg to disagree but the evidences laid on the table are too real to contest. and its up every person on how to deal with it. its either we deal with it or we deal with it. good options, right? because at the end of the day, we all realize that there's no choice at all.

and with that let us all live.

musings inside a moving fx

2010-08-15T10:34:00.000+08:00

there are so many things that had happened, im not even sure if i can still be all-specific when i write them down, i thought while inside the fx taxi heading home the other night. i was sitting right next to these high-school kids who i thought were siblings until i saw them hold hands in the darkness. the boy was too short he looks like he was in 2nd grade and the girl is obviously taller, towering over the boy as they held hands and giggled. they were whispering sweet nothings to each other like crazy, like they were the only people inside the fx. whew! the kids today, they never fail to surpise and piss me on how advance and on how high-school they can get. my thoughts were shifting from the tiring day i had at the office to the secret lovers i was currently sitting with inside the fx.

and then it hit me. i need something like that. the secret lover. the secret love. whiner. there's so much non-inspiration at the office i can't even remember the jeer i'm supposed to feel when a highschool crush passes by. or the natural high i'm supposed to inhale when an officemate (whom i've began to secretly like) tells me that something's up with me when he saw me put on my lipgloss. i miss those things. there's so much in my life that's began to drift apart, too much parting ways.

maybe i'm being melodramatic again. maybe there's just too many things that's clouding my mind and they're already getting out of proportion. too much clutter. but didn't everyone know that i love clutter?

blame it to the kids who held hands.

my boss loved the speech i wrote! :)

2010-07-24T15:31:00.005+08:00

this is the speech i wrote for my boss for her turnover as Pres. Noynoy's appointee to spearhead the Land Transportation Office...
she said she loved the speech and said that i write good. (goosebumps all over me when she said that)
and she used it on her first day at work during the flag ceremony.
its just so awe-inspiring hearing her deliver this speech that i wrote for her. :)
-----------------------------------------------

LTO ASSISTANT SEC. VIRGINIA TORRES
Department of Transportation and Communication
Land Transportation Office

[greetings to the honoraries and other guests present....]

I would want to thank the people who came here today to witness the beginning of my task as the new new Assistant Secretary. I thank you because I know that you are one with me in this goal to make the Land Transportation Office commit itself to excellent public service. The enormity of my task is already at hand, but everyone's presence here today - from the familiar faces up to the ones I am yet to get acquainted with - gives me enough courage to go on and accept this huge challenge.

It may sound as a cliche, but this moment, this scene that I am having is truly beyond my wildest dreams. It never occurred to me before that this moment will be possible - that one day, I will be able to rise from the ranks and be tasked to spearhead this office's vision of a well-developed transport system. But God gave me this for a special purpose and I have no option to decline. So from this day forward, I am already submitting myself to the duty of serving the people and the country through a well-functioning transportation.

I hope you all agree when I say that the Land Transportation Office plays a vital role in our country's progress. The accessibility of roads, the enforcement of traffic rules, and the 100% compliance of people to these rules are all contributing factors toward a progressive transport system and economy. Truly, the importance of this department cannot be overstated.

And with that being said, allow me this honor to introduce you to the "NEW LTO". In recent years, we have been plagued by accusations of corruption and malfunctions that taint the name of our good office, in more ways than one. Standing in front of our nation's commander-in-chief during this turn-over exercise, I commit to the task of eradicating this unbecoming image. Let us take a halt from the misunderstood image and pave the way towards clean and efficient public service.

As the new Assistant Secretary of Land Transportation Office, I will spearhead this drive to enforce the law of transport fair and square - no-in betweens, no honorary exemptions. The New LTO shall commence the drive towards clean and unadulterated public service.

There are two simple things that I want this NEW LTO to pursue - these are Transparency and Availability.

Transparency, I believe, is the core value of public service. Together with my colleagues who are here today, I am already committing this office to ensure that all transactions are geared towards transparent and clean public service. President Noynoy Aquino exemplified this drive towards change during his inaugural speech. as i quote "Walang lamangan, walang padrino, at walang pagnanakaw. Walang wang-wang, walang counter-flow, walang tong. Panahon na upang tayo ay muling magkawanggawa." This strong statement will also be the be-all and end-all of this office - we will strive to ensure that all actions are based on legality and clean and honest public service.

The next thing that this NEW LTO shall pursue is ACCESSIBILITY. I am giving my 100% commitment of my availability on this office. There will be no such thing as an elitist leadership. With my term as the Assistant Secretary, I will ensure of everyone's accessibility of my service. This department's hierarchy shall just serve as task organization - in the end, it will all boil down to this department's collective effort towards excellent and honest service. I will be one with you - because from the district office clerks up to this department's assistant secretary, we are LTO. We all function as one from the point-of-view of the observing public.

I am committing to the immediacy of the "NEW LTO" image. There should be no honeymooning period in this trying time. And with that, I commit to immediate, time-specific, and realistic action plans.

Indeed, the road towards these goals I mentioned are ready to be taken. It is a great honor for me to take the first step forward to this familiar road. There will be bumps and curves along the way, but with the right attitude, clean conscience, and dedication to the core value of public service, the road will come clean in the end.

2010-07-15T15:27:00.001+08:00

CAREER MOVE: ON

from private to government. drastic move, i know.

but this is just it. :)

goodbye and hello!

2010-02-05T14:58:00.013+08:00

new year has already started and i haven't had the chance to bid 2009 goodbye and welcome 2010 with arms wide open. maybe because i didn't have the time. not that time, time. but the kind of time when a person begins to feel this urge to write. that kind is the one that i am lacking these days - the urge to put into written words who i am. words has become elusive and most of the time, i am caught in between them..

there may be a variety of reasons for this lazy writing hand. maybe, because work has swallowed me whole that i even failed to peek at the last sunset of the year. maybe because i'd rather sleep on days-off than mourn over something that doesn't exist, and will never exist. so to speak. i am getting lazy by the day and i know from a fact that it is unhealthy. like smoking with an empty stomach. or smoking, per se.

but, hey, happy 2010, everyone! nothing's too late, i think. everyone can undo, edit, and erase their new year's resolution everyday, right? in my case, i've been having birthday resolutions over the years and a large portion of them are cast in vain. funny, but i still do it every year. even if these resolutions are mere wishful thinking, i still love planning for the future. it's the thrill-of-feeling-like-you're-in-control-just-to-find-these-plans-collide-before-your-eyes-kind of thing but it keeps me excited, somehow. weird. i always get psyched to write something hopeful every year. and when these things fall apart, as they always do, i just laugh at them. because, hell, its funny, and it's genuinely me! haha... and sure, there's always another year to ruin, anyway. :)

fyi, i have three planners for 2010. and so far, the only thing i had in one of those was a doodle of a smiley face. its not even a smiley face, i dunno but it falls under the threshold of a smile and a pout. but i promise to write things in them sometime.

i hate to love and love to hate 2010 for many reasons. maybe, it will be a love-hate relationship between me and this year. because, i've already proclaimed 2010 as the year of initiatives, and so far, i've only had some few lousy tries on this pursuit. for work, of course, being with PCS entails a lot of hardwork since the people that i am with these days are downright competitive. see? i hate competition but when you start noticing how kiss-ass this other person is (for example...haha), you're compelled to show them what you've got. trust me, i hate to compete, but i just don't hold a chance not to. I am no longer with team phoenix, i am no longer taking in calls, but no matter how much i loathed this set-up before, TL erik was right, that i should be dragged out of my comfort zone, for once. So this 2010, i'll try to love the PCS team. Honest! :)

...well, just a heads up on the work category, i'm not really sure. maybe a change of career is at hand. maybe. who knows? searching for greener pasture is never out of the picture. i still want to work abroad. and earn money. i still want to build my dream home. like everyone else. if i can't write, then, atleast in my lifetime, i can build my own house. these are all faint images of the future, but atleast i still hope.

and lets talk about that thing. yes, that thing, you knaw. haha. because, as i look at my previous posts, even my writing life after 2007 was still primarily dominated by matters of the heart. i remembered promising myself that after my year long sabbatical in 2007, it won't involve him anymore. for the most part, i was correct. because 2009 was the year to remember. it was the year when i finally moved on... to another longing, hopping from an old frog to a new and younger frog. haha. i never really thought that i could muster up the will to forget. it wasn't really intentional. it just happened! and of course, i can't be happier. he's no longer making me sad... he's no longer making me wish to turn back time and make things better. 2009 was the year when i finally understood that remembering the things that did and didn't happen were the most futile and unproductive things i've done in my life. and it should end, end eventually, it did!

...however, it wasn't entirely a happy ending. because 2009 was the year when i started to like someone new, and now that i am not yet liking someone newer in 2010, i am still stuck in 2009. that's how the vicious cycle goes, right? i still care for this newer guy, or as i call him my "current flame"; but proximity is no longer on my side, and i just cant allow myself to step forward to other ways to communicate. and technically, its no longer current because time and again, i've already tried countless pursuits to get him out of my system. but he still lingers, defining the moment no matter how much i loathe the idea. haha. but i hope him well. i know its an unadulterated "NO" for us, but its okay, it has to be okay. :)

2010 is the year of the initiatives, right? So, me and my best friend are in cahoots on making happy things happen for us. i am already on my 24th year and i am yet to find that one person to make all the years of waiting be worth it. i've written so many unsent love letters with blank headings because i intend to give it to someone someday. haha. there goes my pathetic secret. yes, i have written a couple of unsent letters. this is a hopeless-romantic and ways-of-the-oldmaids kind of thing, but i still do it. not just because it what keeps me going but also because i believe that sometimes, words are all you've got, because you can no longer trust on your actions. just to be clear, i am no longer promising that 2010 is a love year for me, i won't hold my hopes that high. because i no longer want to be slumped into something so deep and penetrating. a slight bump is tolerable, though :)

i will take a chance on love, time and again. the fact that i've forgotten my old flame makes me understand that everything is possible. but i will take it easy, because all i want is the thrill of the present (without going overboard, of course) i want to prove to myself that "smitten" "butterflies in my stomach" "7TH heaven" and "cloud 9" aren't just my favorite words and phrases. i want them to come to life, for me! (this is getting more and more mushy so i will now stop...thank you. haha)

happy 2010!

this is going to be my life at 24.
2009 was an odd but amusing year.
i hope this year, things will get a little even for me.
like cosmic proportions, perhaps?

undas

2009-11-02T21:38:00.009+08:00

nakakatuwang isipin na sa tuwing dumarating ang undas, nawawala ako sa sarili ko. nababago ang ihip ng hangin. nanlalamig ako. napra-praning. para bang sinasapian ng masamang espirito, parang nakakakita ng multo. taon-taon, ganyan ang drama ng buhay ko tuwing dumarating ang araw ng undas. multo. oo, multo ng nakaraang damdamin. iyong damdamin na akala mo wala na, at mararamdaman mo na lang na mali ang akala mo pag nakita mo ulit siya. nakakatakot na nga eh, kasi para talagang multo ang nakikita ko. pareho sa pakiramdam. nakakapanindig balahibong isipin na sa tuwing undas, nawawala ako sa normal at hindi gumagana ang isip ko.

umibig ako ng ilang taon. ilang undas iyon na nagdaan na pare-parehong umikot sa iisang tao at sa iisang pangyayari. at hindi talaga aakalain ninuman na magagawa ng isang normal na babae ang umibig ng ganito ka-tahimik. iyon bang tipong pagibig na naitago na lang sa mga salitang naisulat at hindi manlang nabigkas. puro sulat na hindi naipadala... mga kanta ng pag-ibig na hindi nalapatan ng musika. nakakabingi ang katahimikan ng mga ganitong salita na nabuhay sa pagkukunwari. mga kandilang naupos na hindi manlang nakapabigay ng liwanag sa mga bagay-bagay.

maraming nangyayari sa akin tuwing undas, bukod sa pagdalaw sa mga mahal ko sa buhay na nauna na, isa itong araw ng pakikipagkita sa mga kakilala. isang tradisyon ng pakikipagkita sa mga kaibigan kong halos minsan sa isang taon ko na lang makita. masaya ang araw na ito sa akin - oo masaya dati. kasi dati lahat nakakausap ko. lahat nakakamusta ko. lahat kaya kong tingnan sa mata.

nakakatuwa ang mga tagpo ng undas sa buhay noon kasi para kaming bumabalik sa pagkabata. inaalala namin ang mga nakaraan. lahat halos puro katatawanan. mula sa pagkauso ng power rangers hangang sa pagdating ng backstreet boys at the moffatts. nakakasakit ng tiyan ang katatawanan noong gradeschool. ang saya naman kasi talagang isipin na nakaraan na pala ang mga iyon, para kasing kahapon lang. at katulad ng mga kandilang nauupos na sa paglalim ng gabi, unti-unti na rin kaming nababawasan. nagsisiuwian na ang mga iba. matapos ang tawanan, sa huli, naghihiwa-hiwalay rin.

kasama ko siya dati sa mga tagpong ganito. at hindi ko masukat ang kasiyahan ko sa mga oras ng undas. kasama ko kasi siya eh, nakikita, at pwede pang hawakan kung may pagkakataon. nakakausap ko rin siya dati. ang bawat buka ng bibig niya, ang bawat kampay ng kamay, at tunog ng mga sinasabi niya - lahat iyon ay isang kantang napapakinggan ko magdamag hangang sa pag-uwi ng bahay.parang lss lang. hanggang sa paghiga sa kama. na dati, kung may superpowers lang ako, pipiliin kong ulit ulitin ang mga ganung tagpo. paulit ulit na kasiyahan na nakikita siya, nakakausap, at nakakasama.

lalo ko siyang minamahal tuwing dumarating ang undas noon. lalo akong nawawala sa sarili tuwing tinatawag niya akong "hoy/pssst". tuwing alam kong palapit na siya, umiinit ang pakiramdam ko, at pati mga katabi mga pinsan kong katabi ay hindi ko manlang mapakilala. kasi nga nakakawala sa sarili ang mga ganung pagkakataon. dalawa lang ang naiisip ko. "Siya" lang at ang pagkakataong iyon. ang sarap sa pakiramdam. 7th heaven, sabi nga nila. noon iyon.

kahapon, sa araw ng undas, nakita ko ulit siya, at naging hanggang doon na lang ang lahat. kinailangan ko kasi siyang kalimutan dahil alam kong wala namang magandang mapupuntahan ang mga nararamdaman ko. alam kong magiging lanta lang ang mga bulaklak. at ang pagmamahal ay mamamatay lang. at kinailangan ko kasing patayin iyon at ibaon sa lupa. sa lahat ng mga nangyari at hindi nangyari sa aming dalawa, hindi na namin nagawang magkita at magusap. nakakatawang isipin na ilang metro lang ang pagitan namin pero ni hindi namin magawang magkatinginan sa mata. walang humpay na iwasan. walang puknat na walang pansinan.

kamusta na kaya siya? gusto ko siyang kausapin kahapon. kasi, sa totoo lang, hindi naman na pareho ang nararamdaman ko sa kanya ngayon. alam kong wala na siya sa akin, sa wakas. kaya nga gusto ko na sana siyang maging kaibigan ulit. iyong parang dati. noong mga bata pa kami.

nasayang na naman ang araw ng undas. dahil dalawang taon na kaming nagkikita ng walang pansinan. literal na walang lapitang nangyayari. walang kamustahan. walang wala.

kamusta na kaya siya? buong gabi ko itong tinatanong sa sarili ko. gusto kong ipagdasal na lumapit siya na parang walang nangyari. pero naisip ko, wala nang nangyari eh, pero bakit kailangan siyang magalit sa akin? bakit bang kailangan pa ng mga tagpo ng walang pansinan alam kong galit siya. gusto kong ring tanungin siya kung bakit dahil sa pagkaka-alam ko, wala naman akong kasalanan sa kanya. sa pagkaka-alam ko, pinilit ko lang naman siyang kalimutan at hindi naman iyon kasalanan. nasayang na naman ang undas. nalanta ang mga bulaklak at naupos ang mga kandila ng walang nangyayari. ultimong "hoy, pssst" hindi ko na narinig. dalawang taon na. dalawang taon ko na pala siyang nakikita na lang.

sa isang taon kaya? ano may multo na kayang tatawag ulit sa akin?

sana.

2009-10-12T13:50:00.005+08:00

i can't believe that things are back to normal that fast...

just when you thought that you're ready to embrace changes, they just drift away before your eyes. slowly. making you wish they didn't happen in the first place.

but i'm back to normal. to my normal self. to my normal life. and i just have no choice.

everything else has become too fleeting.
happiness dissolved into thin air. people leaving. people being left with nothing. not even a single word.

not even a single clue of the things that weren't spoken. the gestures weren't even helpful. they concealed things more than they revealed.

things left undone.

daydreaming. self-talking. insanity, just some inches away.
bliss. laughter. tears trapped in reluctant eyes. waiting. in vain.

but i am back to normal. and i should have all the reasons to be proud that I'm safe.

yes, reasons.

big word. way too big.

there's no easy way out. which won't be too hard because i plan to stay.
right here.
and start from scratch.

just like the old days. yes, the old days have welcomed me back.
and I'll do just fine.

i know i will. again, there's just no other way

i'm back to myself again. :D

The Quintessential Story About Being Wrong The Second Time Around

2009-10-05T07:38:00.014+08:00

“Boy: …uhm, we’re not on the same page.
Girl: yes, because you can’t read between the lines.
Boy: that’s what you think. Maybe I was just pretending that I couldn't. and you know what I mean.”

The girl was dumbfounded by the last line the guy typed in. It was something that never occurred to her. She never had an inkling that he knew all along. Those pursuits she struggled to maintain to leave her feelings go unnoticed were all useless - all the masquerading plot cast in vain because he was already well aware of her feelings. She was contemplating on what to say next as she stared blankly on the computer screen. Would she deny it as to what she was so used to doing for dear life? Would she say something clever, like an in-your-face statement to redeem her seemingly disoriented self-esteem? Or, for the first time in her life, would she finally muster up the courage to admit that she really liked someone? That, for the past weeks, being with him had brought her such unexplainable bliss? Thoughts traveled within her paranoid mind, they all had good points but the girl can only choose one. And she knew she must decide fast. As she was typing in she couldn’t help but remember the first time they met.

Three months ago was almost a meltdown on the girl’s career. She was already running out of reasons to work for the company she was currently in. She felt that she was going nowhere not to mention the recurrence of burnout that was almost killing her half the time. She just had it, the girl thought. She was just too fed-up with the ways of the routinary life. Most of her friends already left and she was beginning to run out of reasons to stay, which worsened when her supervisor for two years was suddenly profiled to leave the team and handle the training of the “newhires”. She wept because she was starting to miss everyone else and she also began to miss who she was.

But twist of fate may have worked its way hard because she was tasked to join her supervisor to handle and train the new waves of people because the program she was in suddenly ramped up. The girl was initially hesitant to join the training bay because she believed that she wasn’t inclined to leadership and handling people. “TL, hindi ako sanay maging leader, kasi all my life follower lang ako.” But her supervisor was insistent, convincing her to at least give it a try because he said that he was seeing something worthwhile in her that’s why she recommended her for the position.

It was a whirlwind of events that occurred and she just found herself working as part of the training bay team. She was chosen to be one among the three Subject Matter Experts – such big responsibility she was initially scared off. The position required her to train the waves of people so that they can easily adjust to their learning curve. The girl knew that it was a bit off and out-of-character for her to lead these people and her first week as an SME was such a mess she almost wanted to quit. But some changes in life had been kind to her because she just found herself enjoying what she was doing even though it meant long hours of unpaid overtime. She already found her niche, she mused as she remembered how far the training bay has gone in terms of improvement and she didn’t want to go anywhere else. She was already adept to training the newhires and was also happy with the idea of inspiring them to do well in what they do. She suddenly became a leader she never knew existed in her.

The girl began to make friends with the newhires. She began to love them to pieces - helping them with whatever concern they have even to the extent that she was still all smiles as she answered questions, which she just discussed some minutes ago. She couldn’t bear the thought of letting them down. She wanted to inspire them in her own ways - telling them that work sucked on the first month but succeeding months would just be a walk in the park for them. She was deeply involved with her coaching sessions with them and loved to hear their stories because in a funny way, she remembered herself during her tumultuous first month on the job. The girl was just too blissful about what was currently happening and her life was suddenly oriented towards leadership and work. Yes, these seemingly strange occurrences in her life were already tangible.

And then she met him.

There was no glimmering spotlight when she first laid her eyes on him. The overrated sparks were nowhere to be found and the supposed butterflies in the stomach may have been fooling around elsewhere when they met. Their first encounter was as dismal as a gray sky. And until now she despised the idea that the dismal encounter was brought into something so penetrating she could hardly resist. Because no matter how many times she thought about it, there was just no rhyme or reason.

He was not even one of her trainees. The boy was actually handled by another subject matter expert who happened to be her friend. It was not love at first sight - not even close to that. She saw him a lot before but he always went unnoticed. First was because he wasn't among the people she handled and second was because there was nothing really striking about him. He wasn't really a pretty face in the crowd and could just pass as your unfriendly high-school classmate that you recently couldn’t match the name with the face. He was just so forgettable on a first meeting.

But he was kind of popular among the other SMEs for reasons that she, initially couldn’t fathom. The first encounter happened during a lazy day when she was chatting with the other SMEs about the who's who among the training bay people. The told her the story about this guy from training bay that was smoking one time outside someplace during lunch when he heard girls behind him giggle about crushing on him. Yes, for chrissakes, that was the story. She had no idea who the guy was but actually found the story funny. And the girl couldn’t help but smirk when she was finally acquainted with the main character o the story she was told about - the guy who was smoking and was crushed on looked like a high-schooler who just masqueraded as a college graduate. The boy in front of her looked too young he could already pass as her younger brother. And as she remembered that first encounter, she knew she wasn’t smitten. There was no cloud nine and 7th heaven seemed so distant yet.

They became seatmates one day and the girl began to have some funny conversations with him - that the anecdote about the two girls crushing on him was true, that he had his first "try" when he was in high school, that he's been driving without license for weeks already and he still didn’t care. Those were the stories. Later on she learned that he was a psychology graduate from a good university - he was green - and like all greens are - he breathed a mysterious air of confidence with the way he stood and the way words travel from his mouth. She remembered telling him that she took journalism in college and then he asked, "so you're a journalism grad. magaling ka bang magsulat?" The girl couldn’t decide if it was a compliment or as an insult but she replied, anyway. "Magsulat? Hindi ko alam eh. Siguro" He was proud to be green but she wasn’t really into school spirit so she wasn’t too psyched with the idea. She was a maroon and should have all the reason to be proud of it. But bragging and confidence was just way out of her league. But even with his intolerable bragging and mysterious confidence she couldn’t deny that she enjoyed talking to him. For whatever reason she couldn’t understand yet, there was just something painfully different about him. And she was already starting to think.

One thing she hated about rumors is its strange ability to realize something out of a petty hearsay. She loathed its ability to make something appear so real that its almost true. She was happily living a lame life when she heard about the rumor that she - yes, she - was crushing on somebody. Everyone at the office knew she hated attention and has always succeeded in going unnoticed and everyone else also knew how idiosyncratic she appeared whenever she was talked about. Her paranoia was beyond words. "Balita ko may crush ka daw ah. Kasi sobra ka kung magtanong sa kanya, pati intimate details inuusisa mo. Eh hindi ka naman ganyan. Uuy! May crush na ulit siya, dalaga na ulit!" her supervisor teased. Before she knew it, everyone in the training bay already knew about it because her supervisor's big mouth already resounded throughout the floor. Yes, time and again, she was the last to know. And she knew that things were already getting out of hand.

She's not into him - that she knew she was certain. But she was too humiliated with whatever rumor that was and was too worried on how would the boy react, not that it mattered to her anyway. But yes, it did matter and she couldn't be more ashamed of herself.

Days passed... and things suddenly changed.

She was suddenly thinking about it more and then it eventually happened – she was suddenly doomed to fall. Even with all her trying hard pursuit to be rational to resist such impulse, leap of faith was back in the game again. After a seemingly dormant existence, for the first time after two years, she knew she started to like again. And no matter how much she despised the idea, it rang so true. The thought was just so wrong, she knew that. She was three years older and she felt so over the hill all because it was her first time to crush on somebody so young. She also felt that the idea was too unlikely to be smitten by someone who could already pass as her younger brother. No, she wasn’t really into putting standards on who or what to like and wasn’t really the type of girl who judges people. But still, the thought of it made her smirk, much more feel sorry for herself. But things happen for no rhyme or reason. She couldn’t forgive herself to feel that way and she could only wish that she had a choice. But life left her with no option on this one and she couldn’t help herself.

Weeks passed and training bay came to an end. She felt sad because it also meant that her “babies” – the wave of people she handled were finally distributed to their respective teams. Until now, she couldn’t tell for sure if it was a mischief of fate or just plain cosmic proportion, because the boy was actually transferred over to her former supervisor - the same supervisor she’s been with and the same person whom to blame in spreading the rumor. She was a quite happy because she knew that he was in good hands.

Even with her resolve to stop her seeming idiosyncrasy, she became “closer” with the boy. Even if the girl couldn’t fear more about being caught, she still found a way to know him more. They talked a lot about everything else and that was what she really liked about him. Even though he was still trapped in his childish ways sometimes, he was smart and made good sense when he talked. He told her about his past loves and even showed her some poetry that he wrote for his past flame. She was amused by the fact that he stood tall the way he was – exuding the kind confidence, the kind of personality the girl could only dream about. The girl was pleased with wherever phase it was they were currently in. She began to love going to work everyday because it meant another day of seeing and talking to him.

Her supervisor was adamant about knowing what’s going on. Even if she was trying her best with her denial powers, some things couldn’t just be hidden and her supervisor has been growing more suspicious everyday, “alam mo, kilala na kita. Two years tayong magkasama. Alam kong there’s something going on. Siya na ba talaga? Sabihin mo na kasi!”. Even though it pained her to deny things, to deny the one thing that was currently doing wonders in her lame life, she was still afraid of admitting things. she was still not ready to tell the whole world that she was getting happier by the day.

It could be that when you start liking someone, your biological processes also conspire with your happiness. The girl who was so known to be careless with the way she looked, who never gave a fuss with the way she dressed up or the way she combed her hair started to care. She wanted to blame her best friend for forcing her into the hopeless makeover but she couldn’t because the whole scheme was making her feel good about herself. And she couldn’t thank enough those people who were glad about her attempt to change. “Girl, whoever it is that’s causing those changes is doing a good job…” one of her former teammates blurted out one time, and in her mind, she couldn’t agree more.

“Alam mo, gusto kong maging subtle, pero natural sa mga babae to seek for attention. ‘Yang effort na ginagawa mo,may meaning yan. It only indicates that there’s someone behind all these. Pwedeng not from other people, pwedeng someone in particular. Sino ba kasi talaga, ha? Ibang iba ka kasi lately…” the boy teased one time, psyching his way to know who that person was but still failing to use his mind tricks in finding out. She was just amused by the fact that she was beginning to think about herself more. The only thing she couldn’t muster up to do at the moment was to name names, even everyone else were insisting to know who he was. She just couldn’t, her mouth couldn’t bear to spill the name. Because, no matter how much she wanted to rationalize things, the boy wasn’t really doing anything to make her do such things. She was having the time of her life alone and for the first time she knew that she had finally moved on from the shadows of her old flame – the girl was finally set free from her “lost love” that had brought her in such solitude for so many years, that “lost love” that has always blocked her way in appreciating what was at hand.

She was finally living in the now, the girl mused as she realized how completely she had let go of the person whom she has loved half of her life. The girl was psyched to have finally forgotten her hopeless attempt to rekindle with her past flame. The idea of moving on was a far-out reverie to her before but now it was already happening before her eyes. But she knew herself too much to even hope for a happy ending with her current flame. The boy wasn’t into her and she was so certain that things won’t develop into something more than friendship. She wasn’t pretty enough, wasn’t confident enough and she has no plans of trying too hard or going overboard.

…She couldn’t stop thinking about the current things that have been happening but was still clueless on what to type in next. She has been on a haze, daydreaming that trailed from day one but couldn’t still figure out what to say next. Her hands wanted to refuse but she decided to type in.

“girl: Well, you don’t need to pretend at all. We’re good, right? I don’t need you to do anything about it. I’m just glad that you already know”

She was about to hit send when the boy suddenly typed in...

“boy: anyway…I have to go. Blah..blah…blah” and bid the girl goodbye.

She wanted to laugh about what had just happened. She was left in mid-air as she saw him log-out and go offline. She came crashing back to the reality of things again, unsure of what they have just talked about. Even though she got it that the boy wasn’t really into her, she was still glad with the fact that he already knew. She thought that it was a liberating experience to realize that he already knew – that those mixed signals and implicit gestures were all crystal clear to him all along. As she mooned over their conversation, a mixture of glee and disappointment rushed through her, such an irony that felt larger than life. Like an addict, she knew right then and there that she already had her fix.

But things weren’t always a walk in the park. Sometimes, people need to go through the bumpy road to self discovery because the morning after their online conversation was an awfully sad story. They suddenly became worlds apart even if he was just some meters away. It was almost a no-talk between them – he was no longer bugging her and their routinary activity of insulting each other was suddenly changed into awkward moments and dead-air. Their talks were just painfully casual, like a yes or no kind of talk. Even though he was physically there and was in fact just some workstations away, she knew right then and there that he was already gone. Her happiness, which she was plunging into for so many weeks trailed away sooner than expected and she was left with nothing.

Days that passed by became slower and no matter she denied it to herself, she knew she was getting uninspired. Sadness, her old friend, came knocking at her doors again and she was left with no resort than to embrace it. Not even her best friend, whom she loved to pieces – who was also in cahoots with all her luckless pursuit – could nurse. She felt sad about everything else again, and her chronic disease of solitude came running back, trying to eat up the happy part of who she was. The cosmic proportion she was so glad about was suddenly converted to a starless gray sky and she could almost paint her grief.

The only thing that tried to lift her up was her bestfriend – although the attempt was also failing. “Kung may magagawa lang sana ako, bestfriend. Sana maging masaya ka na, no? Sana dumating din ‘yung time na hindi lang ako ‘yung laging masaya. Sana one day pareho na tayong happy,” and she couldn’t agree more. “Oo nga eh. Bakit kaya ganun? Kapag nagiging masaya ako, sobrang fleeting lang. Hindi naman ako masamang tao, di ba? Bakit hindi ako pwedeng maging masaya ng matagal?” the girl almost laughed with what she said. It sounded absurd to protest in such a way but that was all that she could say, it was all that she could feel.

Fate strikes without warning, that she began to realize. And in a peculiar way, it also tries to redeem itself from miscalculations and bad endings. Sometimes, it signals people when to decide on completely giving up and it also just tells people when to bid goodbye. Just days after those moments of awkward silences between them, the news broke in, and it slapped everyone hard. The client decided to ramp down so the program was left with the decision to transfer some of the people who passed their metrics and terminate those who didn’t. Yes, as hard as that. He was one among those people who was re-profiled to another program, which meant that he needed to leave the team and be relocated to another site. The girl knew that he didn’t want to go but he had no choice. Everyone was left with no choice.

The succeeding days were almost unbearable. It made her weep to see almost all the newhires go – those waves of people she trained and loved were all gone in a snap. It was a big lump in the throat for her to see them leave, one after the other. The operations floor was near the vicinity of being deserted, and it brought about an unexplainable wave of sadness to see and hear less people talking.

Then came his last day in the operations. How could she forget that final day? That was the day that they never talked again. Words suddenly became elusive between them. She never had a chance to bid him farewell. She didn’t find the guts to joke him around about breaking a leg. The girl was just too hesitant to be near him anymore. Moments rushed in, hours into minutes, and until the last second, no parting words came out.

And then he left. Finally. And she missed all her chances to say goodbye.

That was the end of her story. The story about her second chance on happiness that was just cast in vain, like kisses in the wind. That was her mundane story about being wrong the second time around.

It wasn’t as hard as her first fall. It wasn’t that bad, she smirked. As she looked back to the days that were, the girl even felt humiliated to even allow things to end up that way. She wanted to hit herself for falling for someone so young and stubborn. He was already gone and she was still hoping to hear any news from him, but no news from him came out. And she finally understood the reality of things. She hated herself for caring too much but that’s just the way she was. No matter how much she loathed the idea, she cared for him still but was just to enlightened with the idea that she needed to stop from there. The girl was on the verge of what’s supposed to be a moving forward scheme and was planning to waive everything off and pick up where she left off – which was the time before she met the newhires, during the time that she was too careless about everything else.

But she is still painfully hopeful. Yes, that’s how absurd she becomes most of the time. And is excited with the idea on how far the third time of being wrong could go... on how the third time could swallow her whole again - hook, line, and sinker.

Next, please… :D

i wish i could go back to college (avenue Q style?)

2009-08-11T09:40:00.008+08:00

(my up friends. L-jade, cza, chiqui, anne... during a crazy day under the baguio midday sun.wee.)

gosh, i sooo miss these people. if i can just snag one day, just one more day, to be with them i will. the four of us together minus the hassles of thesis-making is something that i wont trade for anything else.

i miss the long walks, the stolen shoes, the sleepless sleepovers... art film marathons (duh!), power-tripping (haha), burnham park shoots, overrated superhero costumes, and lest we forget, my fifteen seconds of fame. haha (right, guys?)

...guys, tara, balik tayong up? =)

two years? was it that long already?

2009-08-10T10:31:00.000+08:00

I’ve been working in Etel for two years now… yes, two half-empty years spent on being awake until dawn and receiving calls from snotty American callers who cant get a life. Record-breaking? Perhaps. Because truth to tell, I never really expected things to end up this way… to stay for too long in such an industry where resignation and AWOL are nothing but a day-to-day scenario. But don’t get me wrong, I am not a company pet, not even close. So don’t expect me to tell you about adoring the policies, the drastic changes, and the overly-sensitive security people in the company. That’s why it still amuses me to think about myself as an SME… training the new hires once they hit the floor in operations and helping the program adjust to their learning curve – because it’s really out-of-character for me to be all these things and more. Right, friends?

I’ve been to so many things for two years. I’ve embraced changes – about people that you’ve become friends with come and go – like something so natural that I don’t even seem to notice at all. Working in etel eradicated my fear of changes, my fear of the day after tomorrow and the succeeding weeks when someone leaves. Yes, I’ve wept for these friends who finally chose to change careers and I also have my fair share of some trivial soliloquies about what’s life out there. But hey, im still here… and is already on my two years of tenure.

The main reason why I love eTel is because of its culture and its people. I love how I’ve built friendship with these people who shared with me my “overnight coffees and morning beers”. I love staying with the team i've been with since my day one of taking in calls - Team Phoenix. I love the idea that our team is sooo fun that work on a graveyard shift doesnt feel that morbid at all (well, maybe, just a bit). Yeah, sure, I also love my TL Eryk who never fails to make fun of everything i say or do... who's day will never be complete without scaring me or making fun with the way i walk and talk. Yes, I value the team so much that when i learned that our team will be dispersed because TL Eryk was tasked to handle training bay, I cried, literally. and the humiliating part of the story is the fact that my blabbermouth superfriend/teammate re-enacted everything to TL Eryk - on how i cried about missing the team - which gave TL another reason to make fun of me everyday when he came back from training bay. But that's fine, me and TL Eryk arent ourselves without him pointing and laughing at me and me getting too victimized by his crazy antics everyday. These things give me sufficient reason to say that Etel's culture is light and friendly - it doesnt dwell too much on hierarchy and subordination. My life in eTel is a fine mixture of caffeinated laughter and overnight bliss.

And things in my life took a slight curve when i became an SME. I never really expected to make it because of the fact that i am never really into leadership and all that because of the fact that i've always just been a lowly follower. But TL Eryk was insistent, on one of the few serious coaching moments we've had, he said that he sees something promising in me so i should atleast give it a try. and there, the rest as they say is history. And that part of my eTel history is more fun than i actually thought. I love those moments when you really feel like you're helpful and valuable to other people. It was also fun to see the newbies stutter during calls and receive calls with damp and shaky hands...because they all remind me of myself two years ago, on my very first day of taking in calls. I love it when we do trainings and coaching sessions because i am able to discover that i can also lead and inspire other people to do their best without becoming too preachy or self-absorbed. I love learning about their personalities and whatnot. it was also interesting to know about their personal/too personal stories without me asking (well, sometimes.haha) like they've found their new best friend. Needless, to say, i sooo love the newhires and is also inlove with the idea of helping them get through with this industry that is so stressful to function in more ways than one.

But there are also some unbearable moments and times when i really thought i've had enough. I’ve been to sooo many second thoughts of resigning. I’ve been lured by my friends to quit the job and go to other companies that pay more. “cza, day job. same rate din” I’ve been tempted by my college friends to pursue writing. Which is, of course, a different story, by the way. By all means, someday, I will write. But time and again, let me just tell you that I’m still waiting for the perfect timing. I am still hoping for some cosmic proportion to finally enlighten me to give my heart back to my one true love. So for the time being, I would let my writing, my true to love to fool around elsewhere until that perfect timing.

and until that moment surfaces, i am still bound to working at 3am and saying "i'll be happy to help" like i really care. haha. that's my life in eTel...my history under construction. and for the nth time, let me just say that im still loving it. =)

2009-06-27T20:54:00.009+08:00

pagdadrama 101: hindi ka lang pala sa pag-ibig nabibigo. ahuhuhu. literal na pag-iyak ito. nakakatawa pero nakakaiyak. lalo na pag kailangan ka pang kantahan ng nanay mo sa telepono mo para lang pagaanin ang loob mo.kahit ang baduy ng kanta nakakaiyak pa rin. hay, ang buhay. dati problema ko lang kung paano mabili yung magazine na front cover ang the moffatts. haha, naalala ko tuloy. ang jologs, pero ang gaan. ngayon, problema mo na kung paano sumaya sa mga ginagawa mo at kung may napupuntahan ba ang mga pinagaga-gawa mo sa buhay. kailangan mag feeling matalino ka para maniwala ang mga tao na matalino ka nga. kailangan mong mag maganda para maloko ang mga tao sa totoo mong itsura. haha. at ang layo na ng mga sinasabi ko sa usapin ng pagkabigo. ang layo layo na.

para kay qevz.. tribute ito. haha

2009-06-06T20:38:00.007+08:00

this is so funny. i was in the bus and was on my way back to manila yesterday when qevz and i started texting. we were supposed to meet up that night but things happened so we weren't able to meet. i dunno exactly why but there's this intrinsic factor that makes me feel oh so melodramatic whenever i'm inside a bus, wherever. i just cant help myself. especially yesterday when some things in my life were supposed to change. i cant provide any details about that yet, though.

so going back, we were really texting, and then i started to thank him for being the superfriend that he is, i started to thank him for being there, etc, etc.

cza: qevz, im just so nervous, literal. at kahit "pokerface" na ang tugtog sa ipod ko hindi pa rin ako kumakalma. haha. pero anyways, thank you ha, sa moral support. "i really cant live without qevz. that would be a cigarette without a light, and beach without the sun"

qevz: aww! ang sweet naman! natouch ako loko ka! natawa ako dun ah. i-try mong ipatugtog ang get your freak on (paborito nia nung highschool kahit dinedeny nia. haha) para magbago na ang mood mo. thanks cza. i super love you superfriend!

cza: oo that's so true. ito pa "life without qevz is like not knowing what high school means. its like perfecting an algebra exam... useless and geeky. (haha) "qevz is your summer. he's your favorite season.. your unnassuming bliss" at kamusta naman at ginawan naman na kita ng tula.

qevz: haha. adik ka cza. parang nakabatak ka ngayon ah. tawang tawa na ako dito!

what's funny about what happened is the fact that we aren't really the kind of friends who likes drama. so its way out of character for us whenever these moments happen. i remember in high school, we always found delight in mocking some of our classmates for being melodramatic. "eew! yan na naman ang mga nagiinarteng tabing ilog barkada." creck, utz, nitz, qevz, and i were way too indifferent in highschool to even bother to shed any tear about anything. our lives revolved around the routine of cutting classes and fooling around... we've had our versions of "roadtrip" "scary movie" and "catch me if you can" scenarios. we were the trying hard versions of a typical american high school movie that time. haha.

but whatever, it may be funny to write a poem for a friend, but its a spur of the moment scenario that's way too dormant to be forgotten. maybe this is just about paying tribute to the people you've been with since the day when you learned about square roots and sidney sheldon. since the day when you learned that one of the greatest joys in life is sneaking around during school hours. i miss those days. really. really.

and to this friend i've been with for ages now. let me just say, thank you...

(at para patawanin ka lalo, ito na ang matinong version ng tula na ginawa ko habang nasa bus at habang nakikining ng "pokerface")

"life without you is like a cigarette without a light
and beach without the sun
its like not being able to know what high school really means
like perfecting an algebra exam
useless and geeky
you are my summer
my favorite season
...my unassuming bliss."

thank you qevz. sa lahat ng panggagago mo sa buhay ko, sa panggugulo mo sa nananahimik kong kaluluwa. sa mga banat mo na pag ginawan ko ng script sa pelikula ay hindi kakayanin ng MTRCB due to explicit language. haha. salamat! sana wag kang magsawa sa pambabalahura mo, kasi pag tumigil ka, maiiyak na lang talaga ako. swearness!

2009-06-02T20:48:00.007+08:00

... so many years, and yes, i think i'm still sober.

still plagued with the recurrent disease.
remains damned into a proverbial hell.
they say we can all overcome. but i say there's always an exception.

and this thing i've always had has always been the exception.
regardless of recent tries.
so strong, so irrational.
so effing real.

when it can only be one of two things...

2009-05-28T09:46:00.012+08:00

i am at this point where i'm torn between the idea of who i want to become and who i need to be. i am just too caught between passion and money. such ideas that were too far out when i was still in school, where everything else was a walk in the park. now, i am walking into the dark and bumpy road of self-discovery that one decision will lead to both victory and despair. victory to the one i'm choosing and complete despair to the other that will just be left and dragged into thin air.

i cant decide yet, because my mind isn't an expert on profound decisions. i'm not honed to identifying that one magic click when you're positive that you made the right choice. i always adhere to trial and error. and as always, with the misadventure that is my life, anyone can be sure that i've always erred in my decisions and have struggled to lead a life solving the labyrinth of my former mistakes.

and i cant bear to err this time. because this may be my only shot. i cant let go of this opportunity that presented itself so tempting and unadulterated. i want to be right for the first time. i want to correct the mistakes i am committing almost every other day. you cant have it all, that i know for sure. but now that i have nothing yet, i want to have something that can compensate the years that were cast in vain. i need substance because my brain has been paralyzed by routine. i need to follow my heart and my dreams that were left fooling around elsewhere because of my plain indifference and lack of drive to pursue. but i also need money, the one thing that keeps everything else going. that one thing that whether i deny it or not, cannot be overstated.

money is necessary but so are my dreams. i need to eat but i also need to really live. hell, i just don't know what to do. my mind isn't functioning correctly. i need to sleep and in my dreams, i will try to decide. i will try to calculate if money can buy the joy of doing what you love. and will also rationalize if passion can lead you to forgetting what you plan for your family, what you want to have in your portfolio.

it can only be one of two things. always as it is. and despite myself, something has to be done.

2009-05-10T16:11:00.006+08:00

you say we've got nothing in common
no common ground to start from
and we're falling apart...

i hate when things are over when so much is left undone.

...who doesnt, right? but that's just about it. that's everyone else's breakfast at tiffany's. at one point or another.

My Eight Days of SuMmEr!

2009-05-09T08:25:00.024+08:00

beach tripping with the friends i love to pieces. artsy? right. (pero in reality, against the light lang talaga. hehe)

I AM ON LEAVE FOR EIGHT DAYS... and the timer starts now!

yes. yes. yes. this is the first time in my 2-year-working-life that i am able to avail whatever it is that's left of summer. i have so many plans, really:

to sleep. sleep more. swimming with friends. read. and sleep again.

those words right there are called happy-ness. and whoever said that happiness is the first day of summer has got it all wrong because i am about to indulge into the laidback and easy remaining days of summer. and nothing will hold me back. not even the rain. although, time and again, i still hate the fucking rain. i still have this nondescript loathing for the wet season. the
same way that i will kill anyone who will scare me with spiders, dead or alive.

i will go swimming with my highschool friends. where? i dunno, it doesnt really matter. as long as it entails a beach and a two-day frolicking with these people i love to bits, it doesnt really matter where in the world that will be. because, like what i said, that will still spell happy-ness. that will still be larger than life.

i will sleep, which is a personal indulgence that i am mostly deprived of. i will sleep like there's no tomorrow. and i will read, just to lessen the stack of pending reading materials that i havent had the time to even take a short glimpse of. reading and sleeping are my true love, and the 8-day leave wont be complete without them.

i'm just so happy that i cant even put into words the enormity of what i feel. all i can do is sing "lalalalala...." haha. yes, i am singing now. and not even my mother, or my balistic younger brother can stop me. maybe, i'll even sing along with andrei. to the tune of the "emo" bands that he is starting to love these past few days (FM static, anyone? haha). i love my younger brother because he's everything that i am not. but our US-IRAQ war aint over yet. not even close. but yes, when i go home, i will estrangle him with my hugs and kisses. he hates it when i do that, i know. and that gives me more reason to do it, because i cant stand a single day without pissing him off. me and my brother arent ourselves without him running for his life or me wishing i didnt exist whenever we're together. literally. go figure.

i know i must atleast do something productive within the next couple of days, but the thing is, the more i plan to do these things that more that they dont happen. something always comes up (like an unplanned mindoro trip) that ruins every thing. murphy's law still defines the moment. so, i guess, i wont plan anything this time. i've been planning to work on my passport but yes, it had remained as a "plan" for a year now. my mother has been bugging me to take the civil service exams, but it has also remained as a far-out reverie. because i didnt have the time, or energy, perhaps. that's what i am making myself believe. and yes again, whatever.

i hope there will be no dragging days for eight days. i cant bear the thought of boredom in these days that i've worked hard for earning. boredom should be a taboo. and with the kind of family that i have, with the kind of brother that i've always lived with, i dont think that there's even room for boredom. everything else becomes overly eventful when i am with my family. and because of that, i love them to pieces. cliche but true.

this is my first and last days of summer. and so many things are about to happen. i can already smell seawater and good food that my friend, creck is about to prepare for us. i can already see the sun battling with the rain. and i can already see the sun remaining victorious afterall, and the rain colliding in despair. the sun wont let me down, i just know it. =)

Happy
-ness. =)

easter sunday and meantime happy-ness!

2009-04-18T10:15:00.007+08:00

i spent easter sunday with nitz, the bestfriend that i almost lost (aww!). and as always, we both had the time of our lives eating together and sharing stories about each others lives. and this time, something different occurred. we didn't talk about other people's lives, we talked solely about ourselves - the ups of nitz's life and downs of mine.

that was the second time we met up after our almost-friendship-breakup last year. and we really picked up where we left off. i'm starting to feel that we went back to normal, like nothing really came between the both of us. no more dead airs nor awkward moments, just 100% stories about how our lives went during the time of our raging war.

i can say that nitz is so much happier now, i can only see that through her smiles, the ones that reflect the cloud9 feeling from something that she has at the moment. the smiles of a girl that is oh so inlove. hahaha. she told me about how her life sucked last january and i also told her how my life sucked since day one. haha. maybe what changed after our tampuhan is her openness about her life. nitz has always been silent and secretive about her life and i've always been immature enough not to respect her privacy. maybe i was just asking too much, wanting her to be like me, who never keeps any secret to herself. my secrets are my mother's, friends', neighbors' secrets too. haha.

so, this time, nitz is already open about her life. she was so open that i was also up for the juicy details. we were so exhilarated about our kita-kitz that we didn't even finish our food. i couldn't finish mine because of my finger's agony from using chopsticks. haha. i fished out for the details and whatnot and she was also on her feet in telling me everything. its just so funny because nitz was way out-of-character that night. she was the blabbermouth and i was the listener. strange, really.

after dinner, we went to starbucks, because there's just no other place to go to at 9pm when the stores were already closing and the people were heading home. and that was the moment when stories went from happy to repulsive to hopeless to slutty. haha. nitz and i planned about the things i need to do to change my life. yes, to really CHANGE MY LIFE. we planned about meeting people, not just one person but PEOPLE (more than one) that i need to make modifications out of this dismal and mundane existence. nitz said she and her boyfriend will do the job for me. our planning process while drinking frap in starbucks was just so funny and we were laughing our heads off imagining how should i walk and act when i meet these people - on how i should pretend to be all kikay and lady-like when we meet. yes, these are the pathetic things we sometimes need to do to be happy. no matter how planned it may appear to be, i will be happier now. at all cost!

yes, i am now willing to do all these things and more - these things that i've yanked away from before because of being too much of a hater. i am now willing to run the extra mile, so they say. i told nitz about these recurrent dreams that are making me feel hopeless, these intermittent dreams about the things of the past. and she was so correct in telling me that i can't get away from them if i won't try to do things for myself. from now on, things will be better and my redirected subconscious will eventually work its way with my bad dreams.

there's a fine line between future happiness and current flame. i made it clear with nitz that all i want is a current flame, just that one text to look forward to everyday (OMG, i can go as corny as that), just that one chance to make me feel that i am also a girl, that i truly exist, and is not just a part of somebody else's gradeschool nightmare. i don't want to talk about life after ten years or so because i know that everything that happens is arbitrary. i want mean-time happiness, the thrill of the present. and nitz said that she got it. and we both laughed harder.

i am super psyched for the next couple of days to come because i know that change is at hand. and i am really looking forward to experience new things and do things that i should have done way way before. haha. i don't want to overdo experience, i don't want to appear like an ugly slut who does too much, i just need something to make me remember that i am already twenty three years old and that quarter life crisis is already getting in the way. i am now willing to take initiative over my life. now is the perfect time to make things happen. THIS IS REALLY IT FOR ME!

my past months' life

2009-04-10T09:53:00.008+08:00

after two months of going to the moon and back, i am now revisiting this blog that has gone from dead to dormant to dead again. i haven't been writing for two months now because there's nothing really interesting to write about, nothing in my life right now needs further recognition. and its partially my fault.

why?

because no matter what happens, no matter how much i laugh hard and breathe harder, nothing much interests me anymore. haha. this is such an irony because i am always the biggest fan of what i call, "moments" - those spur of the moment scenarios that are sweet, sour, and bitter all at the same time. my taste buds arent working anymore, i think. because i cant even distinguish sweet from bitter. everything else tastes all the same. bland and far from savory.

these are the occurences, or not.

february came. my least favorite month. i have this nondescript loathing about this month, and its entirely understandable. i dont want to go further on this because, time and again, i'll sound too hopeless.

march came. this became a busy month for me considering the fact that two of my uncles (uncle charlie and uncle kengs) and my lolo and lola came home from the states. so i was the "tigasin" in paniqui. haha. imagine, filing for leave from work for a week just to fix the house, wash the dishes, and wash the dishes again. haha. but it's fun, and its just my way of saying thank you for my uncle charlie's generosity that has come beyond description. it was actually his first time to go back to the philippines after twenty-two years of hard work in america. hard work spent over child support. haha. being chickboy that he is, he fathered 3 panganays. i came to know this uncle that i've seen first time since i was born compared to my uncle kengs who have been here in the philippines for more than half of his life, migrating in america only a few years ago.

maybe what's bloggable about march is my trip to mindoro. this is the trip that came without warning. hehe. whenever papa and nanay goes back home here in the philippines, they always make it a point to go to mindoro, my nanay's homeland. i was so much hesitant to go with them because of the fact that i am so afraid of the water and be all seasick. but to cut the story short, i went with them - my first ever trip to batangas and mindoro!

my visit to mindoro is interesting because of the fact that i was able to meet those relatives that i only knew by names and by the stories that my nanay retold about them, its like a mini-reunion with the people that i was able to meet for the first time. they spoke hardcore tagalog with a thick batangeno accent. and that's quite interesting for me whose always been a true-blue pangasinense. and because of that trip, i was able to identify how multi-linguistic my lineage is - having a kapampangan tatang, pangasinense daddy, ilocano mommy, and a tagalog nanay can prove my broad ethno-linguistic background!

see?

these are the mundane things that have occured and they are even far from being blog-worthy. that's how dismal my life is heading. and i know this should stop. something should be done. AS SOON AS NOW.

.

the girl

2009-01-29T14:46:00.015+08:00

the girl cant sleep. her eyes have grown tired after nine hours of work but they remain restless. they physically close but deep down they aren't reposing- she can vividly feel her eyeballs travel from one corner to another like encountering REM while being awake. not even her hardcore and pornographic ways of inducing sleep are working to help her. she knows this cant be happening because she still has so many things to do tonight and not sleeping today would mean an additional nine hours of sleep deprivation. and if she does the math, it will sum up to a whooping 26 hours of being wide awake.

she knows she needs to dose off but her whole life wont take a chance on her, pushing her to the limits, dragging her like an addict who is in dire need of a fix. her favorite heroine isn't helping her too well today, and she wants to ask why.

there are so many things in her life now that are either messed up or just plain unfortunate. pardon her for bringing back that other girl whom she thought already died before her eyes. that other girl who was well versed with issues of low self worth. she thought she was able to drown that girl years ago but she keeps on coming back without warning - like an uninvited presence that continuously haunts her for dear life. the predicaments that are occurring in her life now are going on haywire and they seem to enjoy the niche they are in at the moment. she doesn't want to start the year this dark but the past few days proved to her that she still cant get over the other girl who has been so accustomed to nostalgic affairs and sad repulsive words. the other girl just flutters effortlessly, such ghastly occurrence that goes in on one second and dissolves into thin air on the other.

she doesn't want to turn to her friends because she knows they have grown tired of that girl who thinks so little of herself. her redundant paranoia drifted her away from the friends she have loved all her life. but she tells herself, how can "you speak of something that doesn't exist. how can you let out a big smile when all you can do is a pained stare, or a broken smile, perhaps?". she knows she cant masquerade with such vibrancy because with the tired eyes that she bears, not even a fool will find a sensible reason to believe her.

the girl knows she's way overboard of her current state. the girl is fatigued with her thoughts that goes in proportion with her battered eyes and a mind that cant even compose a good sentence. she cant even say anything profound to let the person next to her see through her undefined frailty. the girl is too lost for words and the other girl is pointing and laughing at such misfortune.

she let out a silent smirk. but the other girl is still plunged into hysterical laughter. even in idiosyncrasy, she cant beat her, or anyone else - always the second best, the consistent number two.

the other girl is getting into her nerves. but she smiles as she concocts another plan. the luring scent of sleep deprivation, and her smirk on the loose, she perfected her scheme. she knows she cant go wrong this time. and after that she will sleep.

totoo na talaga 'to

2009-01-12T20:47:00.006+08:00

this year, I will SLIM DOWN.

for real.

LR and i just started our crash diet a week ago. haha... nah, i know it wont happen overnight so i will take one step at a time... but this time, i swear it will happen. seriously. i've been boring my meals with tuna light and wheat bread and i wont break my promise. i haven't been eating rice for a week now! even though i've deprived myself of flavor and my stomach seems to sour by the smell of banana oatmeal, i cant stop this early.

i know i can do this. at all cost, i will.

this year, i will strip down all of my excesses.

for real. haha

UPDATE: one month of no RICE! hahaha... natatawa ako. 020909

my 23rd birthday, bow.

2008-12-21T09:54:00.005+08:00

* nitz and i realized that true friends don't need a glittery extravagant venue for get-to
gethers, even a bite from a humble restaurant can be the best place to pick up where
friends left off. long walks along the highway can already mean a walk in the park for us!

yup, this may sound a little weird but this is the first time in recent history [from college days to working days) that i was able to celebrate my birthday on the exact day. my college bdays either comprised of murphy's law (like, being ditched by your invited friends in front of the food that you especially prepared for them (2004) and being told that they cant come because they just got home from a major overtime (2007) or thesi sdays (that the only time you can spare was to thank those who greeted you through txt because everyone else is cramming to beat the deadline (2006)] and last year on my first working year, i found myself taking in calls on my birthday. most of the time, all that i have are post-birthday celebrations, post fun moments with friends, post everything.

but this 2008, things came my way. i was able to snag the whole day for myself that not even a snotty/bitchy/grumpy american caller could ruin. i was able to enjoy my 23rd birthday with no other than this superfriend i've had for years (but almost lost). i spent the day, with what your gradeschool schoolmates blurt out as "my bestfriend".

nitz and i started the day at 11am where we met up at sm makati (because being the promdi that i am with makati, the only place i know i cant go wrong in makati is sm). and we had a little chitchat, and had a little smoke (come on, its my birthday. hehe) we were about to go to greenbelt to watch twilight, but the movie started at 1:15 pm. so with an hour to spare, we decided to browse around. yup, i really mean browsed around, just like what my mother always says "magshopping na may kasamang window", because the place is too expensive and too posh for us to handle. and with nitz being galante that day, she offered me to have some coffee first, her treat, she said. hehe. so there, we went to cbtl, and had the time of our lives in reliving our pre-school and gradeschool days. what i love and hate about nitz is that fact that she reminds me of home too much. haha. and its such an irony of us being inside a "very-not-so-us coffee shop talking about the days gone by. we talked about everything and everyone else. i think we missed each other too much because of almost one year of no-talk. (yes, it was dec 14 of last year that our so called "miscommunication" happened. that very day, when i texted her that unforgettable line that vaughne cant seem to get over with. "sana huwag mong hintaying yung time na hindi ka na namin mamiss" ) so we really had a lot of catching up to do and our stories seemed to be endless, like each person in our lives seem to have a story waiting to be told. and being expert chismosas in our own ways, no one was missed out, everyone was given the chance to be laughed at, mocked, missed, and cursed. haha.

so, after some moments spent with overpriced mocca fraps, major gossiping, and taking pictures, we headed to greenbelt 3 to watch twilight. overwhelmed by the fun i have with her almost made me have my picture taken with the cast of twlight, you know, the life size poster of bella, edward and the cullens we saw in malls, but good thing, the "rational" part of who i am still existed, so i helped myself.

the movie is a true blue example of overrated. yes, i expected so much about the movie which only turned out to be a very high school flick about the star-crossed lovers, bella and edward. what bothered me so much is the apparent overdone make-up Edward had, it was just so funny that the movie went over the top just to exemplify the idea of "bloodless". but it was my birthday, so nitz and i tried to enjoy the movie, because there's no other way to do so.

to be continued... haha. extreme sleep deprivation striking.

.mylucky23.

2008-12-03T15:28:00.020+08:00

this is my december, so does the song say. l love everything about december. its really "my time of the year". sometimes, i love the month too much that it makes me sad to realize how uneventful it turns out to be. just when you thought that everything will be magical and all that, you only find yourself waiting in vain for even a flicker of an unasumming falling star. but i still love december even if it means having to grow a year older, much more it means having to work your asses during christmas and new year's eve. sometimes, we love some things for no rhyme or reason. trust me, i should know all that.

so now that december just unfolded itself a few days ago, i just cant help but feel amused by the fact that my favorite time of the year is here to stay, maybe only for a while, but enough to let me feel that from this day forward, everyday will be my day.

i will be turning 23 eleven days from now. and i dont even want to elaborate on how time snatches away the minutes of my life half the time. because of the fact that the idea is already getting old and sad and repulsive. maybe a change of mode is necessary. maybe this time, just a shift from the status quo, i should be excited about getting old. well, yeah, i am trying to be excited. they say twenty three is a lucky number so i want to see for myself if magic will still take a chance on me. sometimes we all need excitement, we all need something to look forward to, because there's just no other way to go. sometimes, we need a deliberate "leap of faith" - that we dont even have to wait for it to inspire us, we do it intentionally to go through life . so, for a change, i am excited on my upcoming 23rd year!

i cant tell for sure why but i'm becoming too hopeful lately. its ironic but i'm becoming used to the prices i pay when i oversleep, more so when i deprive myself of sleeping. not to mention that i am also able to control my terminal disease of homesickness. maybe because i daydream too much lately or maybe because i've revived my supposedly bad habit of self-talking. trust me, they work. they may be baby footsteps to insanity but they do magic in personal growth. haha.

or maybe, because thai massage really does magic that it even influences a better view with life! haha. but that's another story. i really enjoyed, or was amused, by the thai massage that creck, qevz, and i tried last week. it was soo funny and humiliating all the same. i wasnt able to help myself, hysterical laughter got in the way, time and again. i just couldnt control myself from laughing. every inch of my body got tickled because every joint and nerve endings are overly sensitive - that i only discovered last week. the massage was the best laugh i had this month.

lucky 23, im counting on that. this is supposed to be my beginner's luck, because i am never lucky. i mess up most of the time, i cant even win a cheap teddy bear in a lousy arcade game. so i want to have a change of phase this time on my 23rd year. i want to win big on my 23rd year, whichever and whatever, it doesnt matter. well, nothing should be impossible, right? remember paulo coelho's luminary quote in the alchemist? "if you really want something, all the universe will conspire to help you achieve it." just like the cosmic proportion that happened last night when two bright stars (which were said to be venus and jupiter) above the inverted quarter moon formed an amusing celestial smiley. that may be a parody to coelho's quote but don't you think that's luck? a sign of hope from a randomly mundane existence. it may appear to be a major cornball, but hey, its all good, i know everyone felt nice about that noctural phenomenon.

=) --- like, how much hopeful should i get?

recurrent stupidity

2008-11-26T21:44:00.004+08:00

i dreamed about you again.
and i've never hated you more than now.
i hate you because you're my recurrent dream.
my luckless reverie.
an intermittent surge of an almost forgotten longing.
i hate you because i cant seem to hate you at all.
we ignored each other for dear life.
i can still remember the look in your face,
that bold glimpse of nothingness.
you even ignored me more than i did.
i cant forgive myself of this happiness
that's blocking the real picture.
an overt expression that i cant hide,
this thing i know as a full blown irrationality,
keeping me away from that cold truth.
that lingering joy is hiding behind closed doors.
i just know it still does, just like the old days.
not that any of these are important to me now.

because i know you will remain as my defeat.
my present and future failure.

the peyups days

2008-11-21T11:07:00.016+08:00

i miss college, so does everyone else, right? especially when you went to this certain university where everything is possible, be it good or bad, bad. haha. i miss the gossips, the trivial things, the eccentricities of all people...

i miss being in this school where being deviant already becomes a cliche. because of the fact that being strange, or trying to appear beyond normal, is the next best thing.

i miss UP BAGUIO!

and so, with nothing else to waste some time with, i tried to search for my name in google. aside from my blog entries, and this article that i did during my journ internship that went to sunstar's online edition, there was this multiply account that strangely had my name on it. and it turned out that it was an account of a upb schoolmate who posted the pictures from UPB's 2nd indie filmfest in 2006. so here are the pics of the groupies that i snagged from that multiply page...

the groupies (L-shayne, jayne, cza, chiqui, lizzie, kuya brian, bev)

these are some of the stillshots of our entry, BALINTUNA.

(top: happy going home [main character going home from work, the guy in front of her is chiqui's exbf, badong, who wanted to an extra. haha)], below: happy's happy talk [filmed at yfmbaguio]

(below: happy's not-so-happy-conversation with her indifferent father. [kuya hanz (father/film editor] looked very in-character in this picture that it was hard for us to contain our laughter)

===
i miss college. i miss how upb struggled to instill the value of freedom, on how it taught each person to delve into the beauty of being misunderstood.

i miss baguio. i miss the occasional mists that dampen even the most dry heart. i miss the person that i was. that person who thought everything is okay. that person who lost, who never had her happy ending.

i miss the "then" in my life. because two years feel like eons of being away. and three years may already be enough to fully eradicate a certain memory.

==========the 50th=========

2008-11-16T16:31:00.022+08:00

hi, there. i woke up at 9 am today with a surprisingly sunny mood after twelve hours of sleeping, err, oversleeping. this is truly peculiar because oversleeping is supposedly the worst result of personal indulgence. the extreme headache, the groggy feeling right after you wake up, and the struggle of walking like you can't feel your legs, i'm telling you these are the prices to pay when you oversleep, which is, definitely way worse than a big hangover. but the problem with my kind of work is that i tend to oversleep a lot during my days off that makes oversleeping badly complement my sleep deprivation. so you can just imagine how giddy-up i always feel after twelve or thirteen hours of sleeping, its the best feeling ever, i'm telling you. haha.

so the mere fact that im happy this morning makes this day, what my friends say, a "bloggable day" - that bloggable day, that moment of complete surprise, that sober/drunken happiness that itches you to go right in front of your computer and write about how the day went. but i know myself as the boring type, the killjoy and twenty-two years of existence is enough for me to know myself right through the core. so, compared to others whose lives strangely seem to be too event-driven, whose plunged too much with mediated reality (i personally know some people who are like these) and who try badly to look like they're too happy and too busy to function (for all we care), mine is lived and spent as ordinarily as possible, and i don't plan to lie about that! yes, i am a personification of uneventful. so just a disclaimer,my bloggable day is hardly even-driven, what's up with waking up in the morning, right?

i'm currently watching Ellen while writing this,and she is celebrating the show's 900th episode. so being the oc that i am with dates and stuff, i browsed through my blogging history. guess what? this ended up to be my 50th blog entry! yeah, i know, that's nothing compared to bloggers who write everyday and who make a fuss even on the minutest detail of how they combed their hair, or how they pursue their guy-hopping, so to speak. i know that i am a lousy blogger and even took a year-long sabbatical in 2007. so reaching 50 is already an accomplishment for such a writer whose plagued with writer's block more than anyone can imagine. so, on the process of tracing back my blogging history, i cant help but laugh. REAL HARD. its just so funny and humiliating all the same to look back at my life since 2005. those crappy writings, those very high-school thoughts, those college moments were totally pathetic, but i wouldn't have wanted them any other way. i've always liked my college life because they defined the "idealistic" part of "who i am", or in my case today, "who i were". and i cant thank enough whoever netizen it was who popularized blogging. because blogging entirely made a long way, giving every person a chance to write, and exibiting an individual's capacity to express so that no important moment, no emotion is cast in oblivion - all these things bloggers get to have free of charge!

so here i am again, losing my point on this blog entry, blurred up by sidebars and in-between stories. that's my problem in writing, i always get lost in thought, usually gets caught up with my point-of-view. the problem with me is that i cant write short. haha. i cant content myself with one sentence so each idea takes forever to shift to another. that's why i love blogging because of its pragmatic approach when it comes to writing. there's no need for organized thought and no need to impress with seamless writing, its all about what you want to write and how you want it written, the stage is yours to play your chosen character.

*the damsel in distress that i am

so now let me get back to MY BLOGGABLE DAY. and to tell you, time and again, nothing is really special about this day. maybe one thing different about this day is the fact that i changed the name of my blog from PLAY WITH WORDS to DAMSEL IN DISTRESS. why? nothing much really, i just think that everything needs simple modifications to keep going. well, i've always been a damsel in distress. nope, not that beautiful Louise Lane whom Clark Kent saves from the villains but that girl who seems to enjoy being withdrawn, who doesnt want to be saved in anyway because she seems to be too accustomed to the pitfalls of self-doubt and unthinkable melancholy. i am that damsel in distress.

another reason why this is a bloggable day is that i just finished watching Never Been Kissed on starmovies! its been eons ago since i watched the movie and until now its still my ultimate comfort movie. i have my fair share of comfort movies, you know the movies that tend to turn our bad days around, and best matches to our comfort food, not ice cream, because in my case, it would definitely be burger and fries (that's how lean i am, really haha). I so love Never Been Kissed and watching it again is such a nice thing to do after oversleeping! i remember way back high-school when i literally copied the article Josie Geller wrote while watching the movie, imagine pausing the movie for each sentence just so i can copy the whole thing, pathetic yeah. so here's an excerpt of the article that i rummaged from my old high school documents

never been kissed by josie geller

...I received an assignment as a reporter, to go back to high school and find out about the kids today. What I ended up finding was myself and that the high school hasn’t changed. There’s still that one teacher who marches to her own tremor. Those girls are still there; the ones that even as you grow up, will remain the most beautiful girls you’ve ever seen in close-up. The smart kids, everyone knows as the brains, but I just knew them as my soulmates, my teachers and my friends. And there’s still that one guy with his mysterious confident smile who seems so perfect in every way. The guy that you get up and go to school for. Southglenn would not have been the same without him, high school would not have been the same without him, I would not have been the same without him.

I lived a lifetime of regrets after my first high school experience, and now after my second, regrets are down to one. A certain teacher was hurt on my path to self-discovery and although this article may serve as a step, in no way he may accept what I did to him. To this man, you know who you are, I am so sorry. And I would like to add one more thing, I think I’m inlove with you.

And now I propose this as an ending to this article and perhaps the beginning to the next chapter of my life. I, Josie Geller would be at the State Championship Baseball Game where my friends, the South Rams are playing for the title. I will stand at the pitcher’s mountain in five minutes prior to the first pitch. If this man accepts my apology, I'll ask him to kiss me, MY FIRST REAL KISS…

see, that's how movie geek i was way back high-school. it actually started as an article that i read from PDI's 2bU section entitled "movie lines that define the moment" which was a compilation of some of tinseltown's mushiest movies, and being literally very high school during that time, i compiled these movie quotes as a word document and have began to expand my collection from then on. i was fortunate enough to retrieve my high school documents when my first-ever desktop computer went haywire. and now that "brando", this gateway laptop that uncle judy gave me, has kept up with me for three years now, i couldn't be luckier. [yeah, i have this strange perchance in naming my things: chiqui and i named the laptop "brando" to pay "homage" to the name of a typical callboy in pinoy movies. my ipod video is named "bogart" which is also a common name for pinoy movies' bad guy's "right hand", you know, the ones they bully and slap around when things dont go the villain's way.]
=====
chiqui: cza pwede bang sa akin muna si brando ngayong gabi? (translation: pwede bang hiramin ko laptop mo para sa journ 105 paper na kailangan kong tapusin tonight?)
cza: ayaw ko nga! akin lang si brando. akin lang!
=====

*disguise your cunning

enough of Never Been Kissed and Brando. haha. another thing that i want to write about is my current reading material: 48 Laws of Power by Robert Greene. i havent finished reading yet but that book is really overwhelming. Jessie, my etel co-worker, has been bugging me to read it because she told me that will actually help me in my everyday life (yeah, right). so now, i'm finally reading it, i just started five days ago, and being the slow reader that i am, i just finished a few laws. the book is, in the strictest sense, Machiavellian. Jessie said that the book is similar to The Prince (which i havent read yet but have been hearing so much about because of Machiavelli's strict and strong loathing on democracy). the book is so interesting and consuming because the author was compelling enough to prove that there are certain laws that can guide us toward our quest to power, not just in politics but also in our most mundane activities. but dont get me wrong, i am never machiavellian. just like what i told Jessie, "hindi ako machiavellian, ayaw ko ng power, world peace lang ang gusto ko". but there are ideals that greene raised that are too practical to neglect. the book is practical and is strong enough to elaborate how a person can make a difference by doing things guided by these laws. DISGUISE YOUR CUNNING. he tried to prove that in our quest to power, a person should appear weaker than he or she should because that will deceive the enemy. i like how greene put that idea, its just very literary. its like catching the big fish hook, line and sinker. i enjoy the book but i don't plan to listen to everything it points out. some of the laws are hard to believe, some are music to my ear, and some are funny enough to keep a smirk on my face while reading. 48 Laws to Power is truly a metaphor of a Filipino TRAPO, im sure everyone who has read the book can name a lot. =)

*picking up where we left off

and the last but not the least, another bloggable event of my indifferent existence: nitz and i are friends again. haha. we never really fought or anything like that but a year of dead silence, months of no communication is enough to prove that something illicitly went wrong between the both of us. she called me up on nov1 asking if i was still mad. haha. and it was nice of her to say sorry about what happened, i know i should have also apologized for being the evil step-sister, for my indifference and for not doing the first move of this so-called reconciliation, but i never had the guts to say so. i just told her everything that she needed to know such as how our other friends feel about her "inactive status" in our barkada. and she promised to make up with the lost times, so to speak. well, i believe we're okay now, if that's how you define "okay". atleast the "awkward moments" were finally broken and yes, nitz, for the record, is already texting and calling me from time to time, which is very unlike her, actually. hehe. and to better catch up on the things we left behind for a year, we're going to watch Twilight together! yey!

twilight!

2008-11-11T10:48:00.008+08:00

i know this is very high-school but i'm really psyched to watch Twilight,which will premiere here in the Philippines on the 26th. i already read the book, it was such an easy read, feel good at that. haha. i'm not fussing about the fight scenes or anything like that, the only thing i care about is how the movie will give justice to edward and bella's non-quintessential love story. i've been itching to watch the spoilers in youtube but luckily had my way out of it. this is very high-school, yeah, yeah. but i can't help myself! haha.

"About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a vampire. Second, part of him - and I didn’t know how dominant that part may be - that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him." (Twilight, Stephenie Meyer)

erased and mocked up

2008-10-23T20:56:00.007+08:00

this may appear to be completely irrelevant and may sound downright pathetic but i do feel stunned by the fact that a person can find the nerve to let you know, in your face, that you just don't matter anymore. i cant tell for sure how to feel about it and i just cant find a way to rationalize an action that is deliberate and final. it's quite hard for me to decide whether to react furiously or play indifferent about an issue that has already become a thing of the past.

how would you feel if you got erased?

how would you accept the fact that you no longer have the minutest degree of connection?

how would you feel when you finally get what you said you wanted?

that empty space. that moving forward scheme that you said you wanted.

don't worry, these are just rhetorical questions because i cant play dumb anymore to pretend that i don't know the answers. the truth is, i have always known the answers, but i was either too chickenshit or too pathetic to even accept this hardcore reality. these answers have always been there since day one, since the brink of that luckless dream, since the heyday of my ill-fated pursuit.

yes, i must admit that i'm a little upset about the whole thing and no matter how hard i try to play with my emotions, it always gets back to that nostalgic feeling about the days gone by, which were spent on caught up emotions and mixed signals that became nothing but blur. the idea may be completely childish, but even my mind-over-matter pursuit isnt working too well to make me feel good that everything is happening according to plans.

my friends told me that i should, in some ways, feel victorious because finally, someone got affected, that being erased just means that someone finally thought that i crossed the line and decided to respond to my year-long idiosyncrasies. after all these months of angsty writings and melancholic affairs, someone realized what should be done. what's just bothering me is the reason why this incident took place the year after. why would there be a need to defer a response you could have shown in the beginning? why now? another rhetorical question.

i will be turning 23 two months from now but it still appears that i have the cognitive and emotional processes of a five year old kid who's not yet accustomed to the difference between real and surreal, who still struggles to stand on her own, who stumbles when she thinks and walks. when will i finally grow up is just a question that i may not be able to answer at the moment.

i finally got erased. i finally got my fix. and i should be cool with it if not overjoyed. not that any of all these still matters.

im s0o broke

2008-09-02T05:46:00.010+08:00

i hate it. its only the first week of september and i am already broke. as in really broke. i hate powerbooks, it snatched away a big part of what's supposed to last me until sept 15. the impulsive buyer got the better of me time and again and i bought 4 books without even thinking, maybe i thought twice for a while, but i bought the books anyway. actually i feel happy about the books that ive been meaning to buy for months now, but i just didnt really plan to buy them all at once, like there's no tomorrow..like there's no more paydays to come. haha.

anyway, here are the books that i bought:
1. hard boiled wonderland and the end of the world - haruki murakami
2. dogeaters - jessica hagedorn
3. the gathering - anne enright
4. the shack - william p. young

there you go. i feel happy but i also feel guilty for wasting money that supposed to be spent on necessary things, on the more important things in life, so they say. but, whatever, reading is my natural high, my one true love, and i am just trying to come to terms with the idea that what i did isnt wasting money at all... its about giving in to my pleasure without the slightest guilt. yeah, right, let me tell that to my mother who's constant reminder entails buying only the things that i really need, like buying clothes that i can use for work, like finally buying a brand new pair of shoes so my worn-out converse shoes will finally rest in peace, like buying multivitamins to keep up with my super unhealthy lifestyle... but i dont want to buy these things because they dont mean anything to me. im happy with just who i am. im happy wearing my favorite pair of jeans that's either overused or plain cheap. im happy walking with that converse shoes that's become more like greenish and yellowish than white. they define me, and i dont have a problem with that. so what if im not into fashion? i dont care. at all. really. hehe.

but yeah, that conviction doesnt really help my current economic condition. being happy with just the way i am, being nonchalant with what i wear doesnt change the fact that im broke, does it?

im broke, but im happy, so did alanis say. and i would need to wait until the next payday to compliment this current economic slump. so God help me. =)

dreaming with eyes wide open

2008-08-04T10:48:00.016+08:00

Creck and I had a sleepover at Qevz's condo in Vito Cruz last Wednesday. And as always, it was the best moment ever being with these friends that I have known for ages. Creck and I always make it a point to meet up, one time or another, to catch up about the ins and outs in our lives, which was something that became routinary ever since we were in Baguio. And now that we are both working here in Manila, not to mention that Qevz is also here in Manila studying law, sleepovers had become a given. I dont know about the others, but we are just the type of friends that never gets enough of our nonstop conversations no matter how often we see each other. There is just always something to talk about, always someone to gossip about, and something to laugh about! Sometimes we even thought that other people mess up and do bad/malicious/x-rated/immoral/ things just so they can give us something to talk about when we meet up! (pardon us for being mafeeling sometimes ;) Even the most routinary hours become eventful when we're together. No dead-airs. No awkward moments. Nothing else beyond happiness.

These are my friends whom I've had since high-school. And mushy, but we've been to soo soo many things together. The laugh-out-loud moments and the reaching-rock-bottom parts of our lives have witnessed how we stood by one another, always a step behind to light up each others faces by the way the "sweet" (or not) way we mock each others lives. That's how tame we are as friends! We are just destined to point and laugh at one another's faces with our misadventures and are also made to cover one another's asses during trouble (and when I say trouble, I really mean it BIG).

And this week's sleepover was sort of different because we felt how furious time went by. And we came to miss a certain friend whom we havent seen for quite a while now. It sad but we just thought that we cant do a thing, it is a person's choice to stick around or drive away, right? If that person chooses to let go and move on without us, we have no choice but to respect that. As of now, I havent moved on completely yet. I still try to hold on, hoping that someday, things will get a little better. Its sad to lose a friend completely, especially a friend whom you never imagined could forget you that easy, that fast. But sure, let's just leave it all to fate. Maybe i'm right, that things could get better and will eventually bring back to the way we were, just like what we see on movies. I really hope so.

Hey, enough of the melodrama, because we still have millions of things to be happy for. Havent I said before that we are just "happy people"? We are the kind of friends who finds happiness in the most trivial thing there is. We went to MOA last wednesday, and Creck treated us at CBTL for iced mocha fraps. It was fortunate for us to have somewhere to go to because we arrived there at 11pm so most of the stores were already closed. And boy! Was I overwhelmed! Creck and Qevz were convincing me to save up for our "out-of-the-country" trip! haha. They were telling me that I only needed to save up for three months, only a few thousands because they promised to pay for the few bucks left, both of them knowin how "kuripot" I truly am ever since I started working. They were planning to go to macao and then hongkong for four days, actually the plan was already laid out even before they informed me, knowing again, how NEGA I am about things. They were bugging me to apply for a passport, so Qevz can start to book for our trip. Honestly, I really feel that the plan is over the top but I am also loving the idea! Who wouldnt want to go for a vacation, right? Especially if it involves having to board a plane and go out of the country! It will be a lot of fun, of course. The idea of the three of us in Macao and Hong Kong is heaven, and I can almost imagine how nice that would feel and sound! But, I still have some doubts about it. First of all, I dont have money yet. I mean, I may have money but I just cant let go of it just for four days of pleasure. Imagine how hard you have to work just to pay for some hours of travel. But they also told me that they know too well how kuripot I am with thaings but they said that I should also learn to give myself a break. Sure, its true that all of us need some time off but I am still having second thoughts. But already excited about the idea about travelling with Crecky and Qevzie. I am keeping my fingers crossed.

Creck is planning to work abroad. And she's already halfway through the requirements needed to work in Spain. And Qevz? He's also telling us that he might go to Australia to study there, since Milka, his sister is already in Australia and his family is planning to migrate. It was actually dinnertime, before going to MOA, that we talked about our future plans. And by some mixup of emotions, Creck started to wipe her tears because of the idea that we may have to have our separate ways next year. Yes, did she really get tears roll down her face! Actually she wasnt really crying because when we saw her teary-eyed, we all started to laugh real hard! It was just funny because it wasnt even a molodramatic moment, not that we can ever imagine. She was furious why the hell did her eyes start to wet and Qevz and I couldnt contain our laughter seeing Creck wipe her tears! We ended up laughing our heads off knowing all along how emotional Creck has always been, even at dinnertime eating our favorite kare-kare! Creck is just unbelievable, and that's what we all like about her - how drastic her emotions shift and how she makes us laugh to death without even trying. =)

And after the laughter subsided, after we devoured our all time favorite kare-kare, I also told them that by age of 25, I am planning to go abroad as well. That's something that the three of us share, we are just daydreamers. We just love to talk about our future, about what we will become ten years from now. And as of this point the "it" word is Abroad. Haha. Its funny because four years ago we werent the biggest fans of going abroad. But now, we had a shift in status quo. And we are promising to work our asses to achieve our dreams. I am, especially.

======

crecky: hala, cza, pag okay na ko dun, sunod ka ha!
cza: oo naman, kahit anong work, wag lang DH
qevz: australia, here I come!
cza: sabi ni utz, dapat in the future, sa Paris na ang kitakitz natin.
all of us: sosyal! haha... =)

M.E.

2008-07-24T16:36:00.009+08:00

I am a piece of scrap paper personified. I tend to bear scribbles and fine lines and harsh words, but at the end of the day, they all get lost in my thought. I write words but the true emotions remain unwritten. They seem to shy away from being read, disguised by hysterical laughter and happy faces.

I am trying hard in every imaginable trivial pursuit there is. I try hard to write poetry but to no avail. I try hard to dress up and put lipstick and blush-ons and all those good stuff to appear “corporate” but I always end up looking like a tragedy. I try hardest to put smile on everyone’s faces, to make them feel good about themselves because I came to terms with the idea that vicarious experience is still a valid experience.

I was nostalgic and is trying every effort to steer away from this habit. I tend to moon over the days gone by. Those days that either existed or never existed. And that made other people think that I am an angsty, nostalgic writer who can't get a life. I am trying to get away from being nostalgic because its both sorry and addictive, it eats up the happy part of you, making you feel like an addict who can't get a fix. Even though its completely out of character, I am trying to become a happy writer. Not that giddy-up superficial writer but that writer who knows very well that there's happiness in this world that has grown dark with self-insufficiency.

I am Obsessive-Compulsive, like everyone else, but a little different. I am right on the threshold of paranoid and clumsy. You can ask my friends how oc I am with books, dates, and planned events and they are also living witnesses on how disorganized I am with other things. I tend to forget to lock the door. I always forget my cellphone at home. I always stumble when I walk. But I always make sure that planned events happen, at all cost, even on other people's expense. I am just oc about setting expectations because I am never a fan of broken promises.

I am a daydreamer that even earth-back-to-czarina dialogues don’t seem to function. That’s how chronic my disease is. I always get lost and I always adhere to the exquisite feeling of steering away from reality, that in a split of a second, I am able to recognize my real wants and dreams. I just believe that daydreaming is coming close to making your own reality.

I am trying to reconstruct my idea of true love. Because my previous blog entries are blatant enough to depict how utterly embittered I was about my lost love. But I am still a little hopeful. Everything else entails right timing and cosmic proportion. But I won’t be waiting for a prince charming no more… because I am no Cinderella and I can never, under all sorts of circumstances, wear glass shoes, not even high heels! I am still waiting for that perfect timing.

I am a friend. And I am saying that loud and clear. I guess that I’ve become a friend too much that I find it hard to believe that some people forget, easily; that some human beings dwell too much on their selective memory that they deliberately forget and move on. And because of that I also acquired the habit of deleting friends. And let me coin the idea of selective friendship, which I now live by. This is about choosing genuine friendships that lasts.

I am underrated. And I am already getting the hang of it. And I am already amenable to the idea that you really can’t please everybody and that some people just find delight in letting you down. But I’ve learned that being underrated doesn’t mean that you can just sit around and let other people belittle you for who you are.

I’m not done with my dreams yet. Not even close. Even in a world of unparalleled uncertainties, where everything else seems to fall apart, I haven’t given up yet. There’s always a season for everything, so does the Bible say. And I firmly believe in it. I know that God won’t allow anyone to fall back without even trying to move forward.

I am a believer. Its true that I am currently in a state of a spiritual slump but I am trying to step up from this dilemma. I am too much of a sinner. I commit big and small sins every single day. There’s no point of denying that I am a lost sheep trying to trace my way back home. I have this fond memory of this little girl who attends Sabbath School Children’s Class, who prays every night, whose life is filled with simple joys, and I can’t help but want to be that little girl again. I believe that this will be a winding struggle but I am willing to try – harder this time.

I am just a person who knows herself too much. I know that I’m not smart enough, not pretty enough, not rich enough. I know all that, trust me. But I am still a person; I am still exhibiting human’s ability to feel, to hope, and to live just in case the world forgets about it. I am still a girl who tries to be happy, to love, or hopefully, be loved. I’m not hoping for grand entrances and shimmering spotlights because we can only see them on movies, and I am never a fan of mediated reality.

I am just as I am.

catching up on my reading, post-modernism, and my most random thoughts

2008-06-08T11:18:00.026+08:00

"...Do you remember the first question i ever asked you?"

"Yes. You asked me if i knew what being crazy meant."

"Exactly. This time I'm not going to tell you a story. I'll just say that insanity is the inability to communicate your ideas. It's as if you're in a foreign country, able to see and understand everything that's going on around you but incapable of explaining what you need to know or of being helped, because you don't understand the language they speak there."

"We've all felt that."

"All of us, in one way or another, are insane."

*excerpt from Veronika Decides To Die, Paulo Coelho

This is the book on my current reading list along with my daily reading of Purpose Driven Life. haha. It may sound ironic to read one book about hating oneself slash “deciding to die” and another book about discovering one’s purpose in life. But literature is, in every way, irony in itself. So as a reader, I decide to just plunge into the natural high of my reading experience and overlook the stereotypes and other predetermined systems of thought. Say what now? No, no. I’m not trying to be post-modern here and I’m not saying that I’m positive about what post-modernism is all about because even Jessica Zafra confuses with what post-modernism means.

But the truth of the matter is, I’m not done reading the book yet. Nah, not even close because I’m only halfway through. And also, not that I’m a big fan of Paulo Coelho, because I’m not so much smitten by the way he writes. I’ve read a few books he’d written such as By The River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept and The Alchemist, but he doesn’t really compare to my favorite writer, Gabriel Garcia Marquez. But that’s okay, I mean, the book is okay. There is something interesting about reading a book that dwells into the taboos of suicide and of hating oneself without going too rebellious. The book has its subtle way of reiterating a person’s reasons for committing suicide minus the melodrama. Again, I haven’t finished the book yet so I might dispute this once I finish reading.

Veronika’s alienation with the world made me remember Holden Caufield. Now who can forget about Holden Caufield and Catcher In The Rye? One of the books that made me think twice about nothing. Hehe. As one of the blurbs in the book, they describe Veronika Decides To Die as, “Girl, Interrupted meets Catcher In The Rye.” I have watched Girl, Interrupted when I was in high school and have already read Catcher In The Rye during my senior year in college but I will always give my biases to J. D. Salinger’s book. Veronika Decides To Die is so much similar to Girl, Interrupted because in the movie, I remember Winona Rider being sent to a mental facility because of a suicide attempt. -Funny Trivia: Girl, Interrupted is the very first time I have learned what promiscuity or being promiscuous meant. Haha. Because I remember this flashback scene where Winona Ryder made out with guys, one after the other, (I think, or if it’s just one guy) and she was confessing that she’s promiscuous (or, it’s that guy or Angelina Jolie accusing her of being promiscuous…something like that) And I really needed to look it up in the dictionary. So, does that qualify as a coming of age experience or just plain porno thought? Either way, it won’t matter anymore because I’m so done with high-school and has always lived a "single" existence.

Because just like Veronika or Winona Ryder (haha) or Holden Caufield, it is normal to not feel and think normal once in our lives. And to begin with, “normal” is subjective and arbitrary all the same. The main idea on how people define “normal” depends from one person to another and it rapidly changes overtime because of the ever fleeting pop culture and a shift in status quo. Let me quote a reader’s review about Catcher In the Rye, “alienation is just a phase”. True. We all feel different and indifferent once in our lives. We all submerge into the pitfalls of what they call a Mean-World Syndrome, a gruesome world people create in their minds because of experience and inexperience. When I remember high-school, I never fail to remember it as an age of angst and self-insufficiency that goes along with the glimmering spotlight of proms and the joys of graduation. It’s a phase where uncertainty is cured by cutting classes, movie marathons, and failing grades. Been there done that. And on my 22nd year, let me just say that alienation is very high-school. And I so can relate to that. I can empathize with these characters in these books because what they’ve gone through is nothing but a part of human nature, of human’s ability to feel. We are all alienated, abnormal, and crazy in our own funny ways.

I know that I’m failing, and have already failed, to make this a book review. Because first of all, I haven’t even finished the book yet. So, who am I to write about a book that I’m only halfway through? Its like predicting the happy ending of Romeo and Juliet (lame example, I know) or foretelling that Life of Pi is a true story from page one up until the end (this applies to the people who haven’t read the book yet or to those people who, just like me, got confused with Yann Martell’s separation of the prologue from the beginning of his story-telling). I hope Paulo Coelho forgives me for not giving so much justice to his book and to his way of writing. Let me just tell him that this is just my hopeless attempt to write about what I read, and in this case about what I am still reading. And I am not planning to make believe that I’m amused by his way of writing and his very Hallmark-greeting-cards thoughts all because everyone (or not) reads Paulo Coelho. I believe that as a reader, you shouldn’t just be agreeing with an author’s way of thinking. I believe that reading takes into a deeper level if, as a reader, you are able to agree, contest, fight for or go against an author’s ideas. Again, this is just my hopeless attempt to write about something other than myself.

Pardon me for my disorganized thoughts, for my most random ideas. As I am reiterating, maybe my one year sabbatical from writing has taken its toll on me. Or is it that my one year of routinary existence weakened even the way I organize my thoughts? I can’t answer that because it will only lead to a yet another muddled explanation. All I know is that reading is my ultimate love at the moment. Forget about unrequited love, forget about writing about the love I never had. These are all passé. I believe that there’s no need for rhyme or reason in trying hard to bring back something that you’ve always loved doing. This is my first draft. And I'm open to all criticisms.

the year after...

2008-05-21T20:58:00.015+08:00

i am currently on the process of reuniting with this fond habit i deliberately steered away from exactly one year ago... because of a variety of reasons that are already too obvious to mention. i am excited to write again but its true that my year long sabbatical from writing already took its toll on me... i am finding it hard to write again, not just lost for words, but also lacking of any emotion.

but within the next couple of days, i promise to bring back the old times... the times when blogging meant a routinary activity, the days when blogging was something that i couldnt stand without. i decided to write again because i cant just keep myself away from my one true love. i want to write again, but this time i resolve to the fact that i will become more positive and driven, which will be a direct contrast to what ive been before - the ever angsty writer plagued by mean-world syndrome. now, i want to make myself a happy writer, the writer who now fully understands that life isnt all about losing and hurting. beginning today, i will try hard to be the person who finds happiness in talking, from 12 am to 9 am (manila time), with snotty americans who cant get a life. this is going to be real hard, more so like a slap in the face, but enough to keep me awake and realize that this is how i make a living.

i am excited to recount the days and months that went by and i am really looking forward to the next couple of days when i can already write. i actually thought that i can forget about blogging, but i was dead wrong. even if i am on the verge of giving up my dream of becoming writer, i still cant afford to lose this little chance where i can be who i am and who i want to be. i want to resume the ownership of this blog that i took for granted for one year.

...one year spent on forgetting and moving forward.
...of working my asses at 3am
...of "midnight cups of coffee and morning bottles of beer"
...of being paid and paying taxes.
...plainly, one year of hitting the floor real hard and of finally taking a full grip of what reality is and will always be.

i have so much stuff to tell, as in full to the brim, but i dont even know when and how to begin. this is hardcore writer's block, but, whatever, neil gaiman even contested that there's no such thing as writer's block. so i wont make that lame excuse anymore.

l.o.v.e l.o.s.t. e.n.t.r.y.

2007-05-21T09:37:00.011+08:00

I cannot believe that i am finally doing this, that for the most part, I am ready to give up an unrequited love. This shouldn’t sound much of a surprise to me because it’s something that I should have done since Day 1, since that fateful day when I realized I felt something for a friend. I know i am way overdue because this should have happened even years before, but its true when they say that its better late than never - its better to wake up after a long slumber than not wake up at all. I knew right from the start that there's no to avail but i was way too blind to see. Better yet, i was too engrossed with the ideas of true loves and happy endings. So now, at this very moment, I have just let go of someone I never had. What I did was everything but a proper closure because it was obviously an act of hopeless surrender. But either way, I know that he wouldn’t care. And it was funny and hurtful to know that I was right all along – that he really didn’t care.

I am not ashamed to admit that I fell in love with a friend. And it’s funny because it happened earlier than the usual and overrated puberty years. I knew that I felt “childhood love” as early as my grade school years is concerned, it just came to me the same moment I learned my ABCs. I have so much heart for my childhood years because he was there, yes, he was there. There have been countless days when I longed to turn back time just so I can rearrange the things I left behind and make things better between the both of us. Because of him, I realized how important it is to seize the day because even the most dragging days become part of history… just as much as the most important events in my life meet their sad and happy endings.

I ignored my chances and by the time I realized I still feel the same way towards him, he’s all gone. I tried all possibilities to make up with the lost times. But what I got was a friendship with him that was far from being real. All we had was a friendship made up of words left unsaid and of implicit actions that were, because of vague mischief, not readily shown. Although we always update each other about what’s up with each others lives, there were still a million things that were left on hang. And the sad part of the movie is that I just played the role of the over supportive friend who did every thing to make him forget about his bad day. I was always the good friend, the love adviser, and the 24/7 text buddy. I’ve always tried so damn hard to make him feel that he’s special in his own way. I was too engrossed with the idea of being his best text buddy that I didn’t notice that I have lost myself in the process.

Now, as corny as it can be, but I am tracing my way back to who I really am. I said goodbye. If that’s how I should call it. There wasn’t anything wrong between us when I decided to leave him behind. He was on his feet, asked how I was, and was about to tell me about a good day he had, when I decided to say goodbye. I told him that I wasn’t okay and asked him a favor to never bother me again. I told him to stop texting me because he’s not helping me when he updates me about his life. I mean, how can I even let go when he’s always there, informing me about how happy his life is? I just can’t continue learning things about him, much more go on with hearing things that I don’t wanna know. I just can’t bear hearing him retell about his love stories and expects me to feel happy for him. I just can’t prolong my stupidity to even allow things to end up this way. It breaks my heart to let him go but this should be it. I know I had to say goodbye.

I must live in the NOW, they always tell me. But it was only a few weeks back that I resolved to finally putting the past on the backseat. It was only recently that I actually realized that the past has hindered me to appreciate what is at hand. The NOW is me, who has just started working and is about to embrace the more mature phase of who I am trying to be. This time, I decided that the NOW should never include him.

It hurts me to know about how indifferent he is about my goodbye. It just kills me to realize that after all I did for him, after all my pursuits to make him feel elated, he was just too careless to let me go. He didn’t even ask about what caused me to say goodbye. There were no questions asked, and I was too hurt that he didn’t even dare to ask me about it, because, given the chance that he asked me about it, I would have told him everything. I was about to tell him about how I feel. But he only offered me dead silence, much more like a benefit of the doubt. Yeah, sure, who am I to him, anyway? I am just his friend, and knowing him for half of my life, he wouldn’t really weep about losing a friend.

This is a total heartbreak for me but its better off this way. I should really set myself free from the feeling that he never paid back. I should have known better and let him go earlier but I was too hopeful to realize the reality of things. I have been in a haze of waiting for things to happen and for past feelings to come back. But now is my awakening and there’s no turning back. I’ve rehearsed my lines a million times, and even though it was a bit untimely, I was able to muster up the courage to bid him farewell.

He’s on his own now, just like me. And I am trying my best to be happy about it. I am actually happy to start a life without the love that I always had for him. I am planning to redo and even overhaul a life that became a bit slower because of him. I am on the verge of trying my best to focus on the much more important things in life – like providing for my family’s needs and surviving the work that I have at the moment. I am just happy to have a fresh start. I am just happy to forget everything about Baguio and start to live and love Manila.

To this person:
Thank you. You made me feel that love isn’t always about pink and fresh flowers, because you made me see how black and rotten love can be. How love stinks. How it makes a person lose herself on the process of loving another person who actually have other things to do than to appreciate her. Thank you for making me feel that you don’t care, because it actually made my closure easier to handle. I know I am not much of a loss because you have other friends to turn to, right? Realizing how worthless you are as a friend made my farewell easier to do. You are never into me, and I am happy that I was able to see the much bigger picture on how undeserving you are for my friendship. I still have something for you, and the years that passed by made me realize that I always will. But this shouldn’t be important to me now. Because sure, I have a life to live… and just in case you want to know, I also have a dream to fulfill. Just like you.

This is my goodbye. And there’s just no turning back. I’m so done waiting.

Update:

some things had happened a few weeks after this but it still didnt mean a thing. i was still in pursuit of what's supposed to be a "moving forward" scheme. haha. he was actually trying to find out the why's of these things but i did think that he's too lousy in finding out the answers. so i resolved to the fact that he's not worthy of any explanation. i gave him the chance to probe on his doubts but i was eventually the the one who was left on hang, which was actually a funny thing. it was sad to give up a a friend that ive known for ages but it will be sorrier if i still continue to have this and to have him around. he needs to be out of the way. and im quite sure about this. haha

Now What?

2007-05-11T11:39:00.000+08:00

just so you know. i am still alive. at the moment. haha. i just didn't feel like documenting a life that is so much leading to mediocrity and a so-so existence... yeah, because as of now, there's nothing interesting to write about aside from graduating from college and starting to get a grip of what the "real world" is all about. cliche, but the world is so much different from what i thought it was a year ago. the NOW is so different that it feels like i have lived a superficial life before, and that i didn't even learn a thing from my four years in college. haha. but, don't get me wrong because this isn't even about maturing emotionally and finally acting my age, its way better/worse than that. but yeah, despite of this phase of life that i am headed to, im cool with it. so far. and its really good to finally experience to hit the floor. haha. i am not even sure of what's up for tomorrow and even days after that. hell, i am not even sure if i am leading to something good. i can't even say if i actually have a promising future to live. the only thing i know is that i'm finally here and that there's no turning back (because that will cause me to pay the bond, actually. hehe). so there. this is just to remind myself that i am finally getting a life here in Manila where everything else that's been with me is history. ..=)

after 48 years...

2007-05-05T18:45:00.000+08:00

yey, two long months din palang hindi ako nakapag-sulat dito. sabihin na nating "on sabbatical" ang drama ko for the last two months na hindi ako nakapag-update. grabe. overwhelming. sobrang fast-paced ng naging buhay ko, iyong tipong sa loob ng dalawang buwan ay napagod din ako ng sobra. siguro sa thesis, sa ibang productions, sa bio, and yeah, sa biology. haha. alam ko sobrang far out pero muntik na akong hindi gruaduate dahil sa bio, sa isang GE na last sem ko lang nagawang makuha. kamusta naman iyon di ba? muntik na talaga... pero mabait pa rin talaga sa akin si God kasi na-tres din ako sa bio. haha. grabe, first ever tres ko iyon sa buong college life pero sobrang masaya na ako dun kesa naman singko at hindi grumaduate. nakakaiyak talaga iyong moment na iyon. akala ko nga katapusan na ng mga maliligayang araw ko eh, pero ayun, nagawan din ng paraan at nakagraduate din sa wakas.

apat na taon din iyon ah. pero sa totoo lang, feeling ko sobrang bilis talaga ng panahon. overacting talaga ang oras pag minsan eh. apat na taon din pala iyong mga masasaya at nakaka-homesick moments ko sa baguio. apat na taon din palang napudpod ang kamay ko sa kakasulat, apat na taon din palang napagod ang katawan ko dahil sa puyatan moments sa mga bc productions, at apat na taon din pala akong tumawa, umiyak, nanaginip. naghintay sa wala, at tumawa ulit. haha. okay lang iyon, kasi sa apat na taon na iyon, alam ko naman sa sarili ko na naging masaya ako kasama ang mga friendly friends na kasama ko sa pambabarubal sa mundo. hay, alam ko cliche na ito, pero nakaka-miss talaga ang college life. iyong feeling na bum ka pa rin at dependent sa magulang mo sa ultimong mga pinaka-simpleng desisyon sa buhay mo. dati sobrang gusto ko nang grumaduate, magtrabaho, at kumita ng limpak limpak na salapi. pero ngayong naka-graduate na ako at may trabaho na, parang gusto kong umurong at magpaka-bum ulit. pero ayun, reality check, graduate na ako at this time, in need na talaga akong maging matino at maging matalino sa mga desisyong gagawin ko sa mga susunod na araw at susunod pang mga taon. pucha, ang tanda ko na talaga. damang dama ko na talaga ang pagkakaiba ng workplace sa classroom, siyet! hehe...

oo na, oo na, call center ang first ever job ko, mediocre? siguro. underemployed? malamang. at alam ko na tumaas ang kilay ng iba diyan, , pero someday, pipilitin ko talagang maibaba ang mga kilay nila. haha. ang sakit kasi nung feeling na mina-maliit ka dahil lang sa pinili mong mag-umpisa sa sa mababa. at ang lalong masakit iyong feeling na mga "kaibigan" mo mismo ang nangmamaliit sa iyo. wow, no? siguro nga, ganun talaga ang buhay, minsan masakit talaga kumagat. pero ayun, susubukin ko pa ring maging okay ang buhay ko. susubukin ko pa ring maka-survive sa call center para makaipon. haha. wish ko lang na makapag-ipon talaga ako. buti na lang talaga supportive ang pamilya ko at sobrang thankful ako sa kanila dahil dun.

malapit na ako pumunta sa manila. hehe. promdi mode ito! hehe. excited na kabado and feeling ng malapit na magtrabaho. kasi last year, super laidback lang ang april at may.. pero this time, overacting ang buwan na ito dahil di ko manlang nagawang magbakasyon at magpahinga from a really stressful college life. gora kasi agad ako sa trabaho. masyado kasi ako na-excite nung na-hire ako at pirma mode agad ng contract. shunga talaga ang lola mo! haha. kaya ito, kahit na april pa lang, kailangan ko na agad magbanat ng buto at dumaldal ng literal. hehe.

excited talaga ako. ang corny noh? hehe.

happy, happy, happy!

2007-02-03T12:48:00.000+08:00

I am unusually happy today and I must say that my overwhelming experience of going to the moon and back has finally paid off. Finally, I am okay. And finally, I have so many things to look forward for. The past weeks had been too much to handle but now, everything is okay. I mean, yeah, as of now, all things are well.

I was able to enjoy my one-day vacation in Paniqui last Thursday. With all the things that have stressed me to death last week, I knew there was a dire need for me to go home. And I didn’t go wrong. Just being in Paniqui has always been an effortless relief. And as cliché as it can be, there’s really no place like home. Not even Baguio’s soothing cold temperature beats the happiness that I get when I’m home. Even though I almost slept the day away last Thursday I was still able to catch up with mommy, daddy, andrei – my three favorite people in the world! Hehe. It was just sad that I needed to go back to Baguio last Friday. But atleast I was able to snag even just one day to be with them. at least, I was brought back to sanity. Almost. Hehe.

Thesis making has been tough and we’ve been really stressed out with our supposed feb.15 deadline. But the fates are good with us because our deadline was finally moved to march.15. even though we are more than halfway through, we just know that we still need enough time to make both ends meet and to finally finish the whole thing. So this means that we still have a month to go through the same process of going to jade’s house almost every night, do our thesis for a while, eat, and talk about everything about anything after. =)

Anyway, something happened last week. And I just feel the need to let it out. Through some cosmic disproportion, I had an encounter with a former ghost. And mind you, it was never intentional. I know I must blame proximity for this one. I mean yeah, what are the odds that blah, blah, blah… Or must I blame Jade for literally leaving me behind? Haha. All I can say is that I knew, I just knew that I acted stupid, and funny, and completely ridiculous that time. But I was left with no choice and I was just caught off guard. Shit. So instead of running scared after seeing a former ghost, yeah, I pretended to be brave and acted like I was indifferent. I knew that I pretended too much that I ended up acting completely stupid. Hell, yeah. But now I’ve learned my lessons. And that is to take the other way to Jade’s house. Haha.

February. Time seems to tick away too fast. February only means that we just have two months before graduation (that is, if I graduate on time). I am excited. Even though graduating means stripping down my allowance back to zero, and having to work hard to survive, there’s something about graduation that I am really looking forward for. I just can’t figure out what it is exactly. Hehe.

Chiqui, Anne, and I are ecstatic to leave Baguio. I just know we do.

That’s it for now. I just hope that tomorrow would still be okay. And if its any consolation, even the days after that, please? Cuz I am starting to miss home again. =(

homesick

2007-01-20T21:46:00.000+08:00

this is definitely not my day. i've just had a hang of everything. even the simplest and most trivial activity i had today was incorrect; even the last thought i have right now is stressful. i need sleep. nah, i need rest. i guess all i need is the comfort between the two. i need to be home or else i might just lose my mind. completely. spare me because this is not drama. its too real to be called as such. i miss everything. i miss home. i miss bumming around but the present just can't allow me to. i just love to hate school... but don't worry because i still love the people in it. i just hate the fact that i am too pressured to beat deadlines. and i am too lost to even begin. i need a lift. i feel like an addict who needs a fix. right now.

i should save the night be. but i lost.

diary mode 2

2007-01-15T22:56:00.000+08:00

naks, dinadama ko na nga ata ang diary mode sa pagba-blog. nainspire kasi ako kay qevz na nangangarir sa blog niya. kaya kahit wala naman gaanong nangyari sa akin today, magda-diary pa rin ako. hahaha.

kanina, as in sa buong sem, first time kong pumunta sa library. wala lang. nakakatuwa lang kasi tuwing nasa lib ako, feeling ko ang sipag sipag ko tsaka ang tali-talino ko. hahaha. feeling ko lang naman. kasi madalang lang talaga ako sa lib, hindi ko gusto ang atmosphere dun eh. parang may humuhugot sa akin palabas. pero kanina, karir kung karir ang paghahanap ko ng books na kelangan ko para sa report ko sa polsci. hay, ang boring boring ng topic ko pero no choice eh, hindi ko pinangarap na maging delingkwente sa polsci at hindi maka-graduate. kaya gora na lang ako sa pag-aaral. hehe.

grabe ang buwan na ito. haggard kung haggard. busy mode. hehe. iyong tipong tulog-na-lang-ang-pahinga mode?hahaha. joke lang. kasi nakaka-pressure talaga tuwing january kasi lahat na lang nira-rush mo. kasi nga, happy ka buong december at lahat ng trabaho ay next year mo na binalak tapusin. sadly, ito na po iyong next year. huhuhu. kaya patay patay talaga ako sa dami ng requirements. hehe. pero iyon na nga, feeling ko naman kaya ko pa. magagalit kasi si qevz sa akin pag sinabi kong busy ako. kasi hindi namin nili-live by ang mga naformulate naming ideals tungkol sa pagiging busy. hehe. kaya kahit t-o-x-i-c na nga ang school life according to those very busy people that qevz and i have in mind, happy pa rin ako. thankful talaga ako kay qevz and anne last summer kasi dahil sa kanila na-overcome ko ang pagiging paranoid ko about school. last summer lang talaga natuto na huwag maging paranoid. boy kampante at girl kampante kasi kami noon, pero fun fun fun lang. hehe. thankful ako sa kanila kasi ngayon ang pagiging tamad naman sa school ang dapat kong i-overcome. hahaha.

*********************

Natutuwa talaga ako sa blog life ni qevz. atleast ngayon may blog na din siya. kasi sa aming vaughne, si nitz lang tsaka ako ang binalak gumawa ng blog, tapos si nitz hindi na rin active sa blog niya. on sabbatical ang drama. hehe. tsaka naku, parang hindi ko ata mai-imagine na babalaking magblog ni creck and utz. hehe. kaya natuwa ako na may blog na si qevz, atleast alam ko na mga raket niya sa pang-araw-araw. hehe. tapos, iyong recent blog niya ang kumumpleto sa gabi ko. pinatawa niya ako ng literal! ahaha... iyong tipo ng tawa na walang breeding? ganun ang tawa ko nung binabasa ko iyong blog niya!

ito iyong excerpt of blog niya na panalo talaga! qevz, hiniram ko sandali iyong entry mo ha? hehe.

***nakakatawa kanina, kausap ko mommy ni jam sa comedor ng bahay nila. katabi ko yung helper nila na naghihiwa ng sibuyas. animal, napaiyak naman nako. ewan ko ba. para akong gago. nahiya nga ako bigla sa mommy nia kase nasakto nung tinanong nia ko, "Gra-graduate kaya kayo?", bigla naman na tumulo luha ko. dios mio. sabi ko, sana po. Comedy talaga. baka akala nia masyado naman akong nagdadrama about sa graduation. unintentional ang luha ko. langyang sibuyas yan. ***

kamusta naman yun, di ba? nakakatawa pag navi-visualize kog iyong scene na yun eh. yung, tutulo bigla iyong luha niya. hahaha. comedy talaga si qevz. at pinasaya ang gabi ko sa pagbabasa ng blog niyang ito. hehe.

*********************

ang random ng mga naiisip ko today. kasi kanina, habang naglalakad akong mag-isa sa session road galing sa school, si God naman na ang nagpe-play sa isip ko. yeah, sobrang out of character sa akin iyon kasi there's no point of denying na dormant ang relationship ko kay God. ang laki talaga ng problema ko when it comes to my spiritual life. sobra. damang dama ko na ang sama sama kong tao kasi ni hindi ko man lang ayusin ang relationship ko sa Kanya. pero sa totoo lang, lagi niya akong bine-bless. araw araw iyan, kahit na nakakalimutan ko siya, sobrang pinapa-alala niya na mahal Niya ako. ang drama, noh? iri-rip-off ko muna ang term ni kacey, katulad niya, isa akong delingkwenteng kristiyano. as in, aminado ako doon. sobrang delinkwente. pero kamusta naman at kahit sa petty things na nangyayari sa akin everyday nararamdaman ko talaga ang presence Niya. iyong tipong lagi niya akong pinagbibigyan. basta iyong ganoon. dati nga nung nag-usap kami ni anne, napag-usapan namin ang relationship namin kay God. katulad ko, isa rin siyang lost sheep. tapos naisip na lang namin na kaya pala hindi lasting ang happiness namin kasi wala kaming healthy relationship sa Kanya. hay basta ganun.

damang dama ko ang pagiging incomplete ng life ko dahil hindi ako close kay God. iyong tipong hindi ko siya china-chummy kahit lagi siyang andiyan for me. hay, ang saklap talaga. ang sama sama ko talaga. pero, alam ko naman na, one day, babalik rin ako. ayaw ko kasing ipilit iyon eh. ewan ko pero iniisip ko na lang balang araw magiging close ulit kami. at pag nangyari iyon, alam kong magiging sobrang okay na ng buhay ko. iyong wala nang bitterness. iyon hindi ko na ulit ako malulungkot. basta thankful ako sa Kanya, kasi hindi pa rin niya ako nakakalimutan at lagi pa rin niya akong sinasamahan. hay, God, one day makakabawi rin ako sa Inyo. magiging close ulit tayo. i am really looking forward for that day na marerealize ko na ito na iyong "IT" day for me. alam ko malapit na iyon.

imagine, sobrang blessed ako sa buhay ko because of Him. kasi kung wala Siya, ewan ko na lang kung saang kangkungan ako pupulutin. every step of the way, nandyan lang Siya, a step behind...

hay, siguro ang blog entry na ito ay way ko na para masabi sa Kanya na thankful ako, for everything that He did and gave. hindi kasi ako madalas mag-pray eh. nakakalimutan ko. ang sama ko talaga. pero may time ako to fix things out.may naalala pala akong verse na natutunan ko sa sabbath school namin nung active pa ako, "in everything there is a season and a of purpose under the heaven". kitams, di ko pa memorize, pati iyong verse, nakalimutan ko na! delingkwente talaga. sorry po talaga. pero iyon na nga, alam kong one day makakabawi din ako sa Inyo. for now, all i can is im sorry for being so much of a sinner. as in so much. and i am waiting for the day na babalik na ako. for good. =)

diary mode

2007-01-14T22:32:00.000+08:00

hay, 2007 na pala, ngayon ko lang narealiza. haha. para kasing kaka-bente uno ko lang last month tapos this december 2007 eh bente dos na ako nian. ayoko pa. hindi ko talaga bagay, kahit saang anggulo ko tignan. isip bata pa rin ang potek. sobrang childish ko kaya at alam kong damang dama ng mga kathesis ko ang aking utak-grade-3 mode lately. paano naman kasi. hay, basta. comedy lang. dalawang dekada na kasi akong utak grade 3. hehehe.

na-inspire akong magdiary mode tonight dahil kay qevz. di ko akalain na maiisipan niyang mag-create ng blog kasi first of all, hindi siya malungkuting tao. tapos bigla ko na lang nabasa ang kanyang blog na punung puno ng kadaramahan na hindi ko alam kung saan niya napulot. hehe. pero okay iyon, kasi nga blogs are supposed to be outlets to let out our supressed emotions and stuffs. naks, supressed emotions daw oh?hehe.

ano ba ang ida-diary mode ko? nothing much naman eh. kasi simple lang naman ang aking pang-araw-araw na pamumuhay. hahaha. i am living ang loving the life of a bum nga, di ba? kung gagawan nga ng pelikula ang buhay ko, malamang maging silent film yon, iyong hindi gaanong spectacular, iyong hindi influenced ng special effects and audio-visuals. more on visuals nga lang eh.. kasi nga tahimik akong tao. hahaha. kidding aside, wala, basta ang araw para sa akin lately ay ang makita ang pinakamamahal kong mga thesismates at magpunta sa place ni jade, ang aking galanteng friend. hehe. sobrang umay na kami sa isa't isa pero happy pa rin naman. kami kasi iyong mga tipo ng tao na happy lang sa buhay, i mean, right from the start, we promised ourselves na walang mangyaring conflict or awayan, na madalaas mangyari sa mga kaklase naming group thesis din. so iyong "brainstorming" moments namin ay hindi gaanong nagiging mabigat dahil nga we are such happy people. right, chiqui? hehe.

masaya ang thesis moments namin ngayon, in fairness...lahat active. kasi lahat kami ay dama na ang pressure to beat the deadline. pero okay pa rin naman, iyong feeling na ngarag ka pero happy ka naman. ganun. we are such happy people, remember? tapos kahapon, nag day-off kami. pero kamusta naman at magkakasama pa rin kami. day off nga naman noh? movie marathon lang ang naganap. shet, hindi namin kinaya iyong art film na pinanood sa amin ni job. putangina puro chorvahan, ate! hahaha. every other scene may sex. halimaw noh? hehe. pero women empowerment siya in fairness, kasi ang sex slave dun ay iyong lalaki. iyong girl na character? ayun, happpy lang siya sa pagiging sadista. hahaha. hindi ko ma-gets ang art sa film na iyon. siguro bobo lang talaga ako para hindi maintindihan ang istorya. disturbing kasi iyong mga scenes dun eh. tapos ni hindi ka man matutuwa kasi hindi maganda at gwapo ang mga bida. hahaha. napaka-mainstream ko talaga mag-isip. hehe. so ayun, hindi na namin binalak tapusin dahil kami lang ata ang napagod sa ginagawa nung characters sa film. napagod kami para sa kanila, i mean. hehe. tapos, ang banat si job, "alam niyo bang ang central theme niya ay war?" hay, naumay na kami sa sex scenes nila wala pa ring war! hehehe. kaya di na namin kineri at nag-"butterfly effect" na lang. hahaha. nakaka-aliw iyong film na iyon ni ashton. kaso lang out of character iyong pagiging sci-fi ng pelikula, i mean, for me lang ha. tapos, ang morale of the story na nabuo namin ay, "some things are really not mean to be". pero sabi ko naman, "if they're really not meant to be...then try a little harder." hehe. stalker mode talaga noh? hehe. basta all in all, masaya naman ang aming "the day-off that almost wasn't".

ito pa, andiyan na ang idea namin ng graduation. hay, sabi nga ni qevz, "isang matinding 'arya' na lang, makaka-graduate ka na, cza" hay, konting arya na lang talaga. sana lang talaga. kasi gusto ko na talaga ng change of phase. for once, hindi na ako matatakot sa changes. promise ko iyon sa sarili ko. kasi narealize ko, as in ngayon ngayon ko lang talaga napag-reflect, na hindi ko gaanong na-avail ang freedom ko dito sa baguio. i mean, sure thing wala ako sa tarlac, pero may mga inhibitions pa rin ako dito sa baguio eh. i mean, may mga standards pa rin akong nase-set sa sarili ko because of such instances that are beyond my control. napaka-vague noh? haha. see, pati sa blog kong ito, ni hindi ko na-aavail ang absolute freedom. shit, dahil ata sa akin naimbento ang salitang "oppressed". hehehe. totoo kaya, dito mismo sa blog ko, hindi ako free. may mga tao or instances pa rin na hindi ko ina-identify kahit elaborate na iyong details and stuffs. yung tipong blatant naman kung sino or ano talaga iyong gusto kong sabihin, pero chicken pa rin ako sa pagbibigay pangalan sa mga bagay bagay. mahilig akong utusan ang mga tao na mag-read between the lines. kaso lang may mga taong sobrang boplaks or tamang tinatamad lang talagang i-decode ang gusto kong sabihin. basta ganun.

ayun, kaya nga pag naguusap usap kami ng aking mga thesis friends, sobrang excited na talaga kami sa graduation. as in uber excited na. at himala dahil excited na din talaga ako sa change na mangyayari sa aming mga buhay. manila ang mode namin sa paghahanap ng trabaho. please lang, ayoko dito sa baguio dahil, alam ko na hindi fun fun fun an workplace dito. tsaka, iyon na nga, gusto kong i-avail ang freedom. hay, sabi ko nga buti pa iyong mga friends ko gora sa pagiging independent at paggawa ng mga gusto nilang gawin. pero ako, ayun, boxed-in pa rin. imagine four years kong kinaya yun? four years na dapat sana ay nagawa ko lahat, as in lahat ng gusto kong gawin, ng walang taong magja-judge sa akin. basta ganun. mahirap i-explain. at ayoko. hehe.

call center na ata ang first stop ko, kung hindi ko man agarang matupad ang pangarap kong mag-venture into writing.. yeah, call center, na sana naman ay matanggap ako or else bum mode talaga ako niyan, which is not good kasi mahiya naman daw ako sa magulang ko.hehehe. kahit mina-mock ni sir calderon ang call centers, dun ko pa rin nakikita ang pera. hahaha. "naghirap ka pang maka-graduate kung call center ka rin lang?" hay, basta, minsan sa buhay hindi lang puro ideals ang dapat isipin. dapat maging practical din. tsaka, hindi ko naman balak na forever na dun. to gain experience siguro. pero sabi ko nga, lahat ng pwedeng applyan na trabaho ia-avail ko. siyempre iyong related naman daw sa course ko ah. wag naman daw caregiver. hehe. or pwede rin akong maki-angkas sa plano ni nitzkie na magpunta sa korea at maging isang ganap na english teacher. hahaha. hindi ko bagay, alam ko. lalong lalo na wala akong passion sa pagtuturo. pero basta, bahala na. basta ang importante kelangan kong maging hopeful sa aking future.hehe.

basta this time, gusto ko talagang maging indie... hangga't maaari hindi ko pipiliin ang humingi ng tulong sa iba. lalung-lalo na sa mga taong walang tiwala sa kakayahan ko. marami kasing taong ganun eh. pero di ko naman talaga sila masisisi kasi bobo naman talaga ako. hahaha. basta kahit boplaks, utak grade-3, at walang kwenta ang piniling course sabi nga ng iba, marami pa rin naman akong pangarap. kahit mediocre lang ako, may goal pa rin naman ako sa buhay noh. ang wish ko lang sana na kung wala rin naman silang balak sumaya para sa akin, wag na lang silang mag-comment, di ba? nakakasakit kasi ng loob. nyayaya.... pinipilit ko nang alisin ang pagka-pessimistic ko pero may mga taong nagti-trigger na maging hopeless ako sa pagtingin sa sarili ko eh. tama bang mag-buhos ng sama ng loob? hehehe.

basta this 2007, gusto ko na talagang magbago.

gusto ko ng freedom, ng change of environment, ng bagong buhay. hehehe. di naman iyong tipong pang excon na bagong buhay, iyong bagong buhay lang ng isang taong anong petsa na eh hindi pa rin nagggrow as a person. i am happy to leave baguio. i am happy to get a life. and i am all excited to forget and give up, happily. mga ganung kadramahan ba.

basta. hopefully, three months na lang. konting tiis na lang talaga. as in isang matinding "arya" na lang talaga. excited na ako. thesis, matapos ka na, please? favor lang talaga.. hehehe.

*hala, karir kung karir ang diary entry kong ito. simple pa lang ang buhay ko sa lagay na iyan ha. paano pa kaya kung busy-busihan akong tao? hehe... iyong tipong "tulog na lang daw ang pahinga?" hahaha. i so hate busy-busyhan people. basta ang alam namin ni qevz, walang taong busy 24/7, hindi kasi iyon human nature. kaya please lang wag magpanggap ang ibang tao diyan. lalo na iyong mga katulad kong hindi naman maganda. ahaha. (kelangan talagang may usapin ng ganda?haha) =p

Of Overnights and Lost Shoes…

2006-12-19T22:35:00.000+08:00

Haggard kung haggard ang buwan na ito for me and my thesismates. Bukod sa nawiwindang na ang aming pretty pretty wow adviser dahil sa di pa namin naisa-submit ang aming revised chapters 1-4, well, kelangang kelangan na talaga naming magseryoso bilang mga matitinong tao dahil deadline na ng finished theses ng lahat ng graduating students pagpatak ng first week of February. Madugo talaga ang eksena namin next year dahil shooting at completion na dapat ang drama namin Hay, nakakatuwa na nakaka-badtrip ang December ko ngayong taon. Kamusta naman at kaka-bente uno ko lang nung 14. masaya naman. May gift ako from zam and josh na super grateful ako, mga ate. At naigreet naman ako ng 98% ng mga mahal ko sa buhay. At may special greeting pa ko from my super housemate pj, nung naghost siya ng Pasiklaban/Oblation Run sa school. Medyo na-sad lang ako nun kasi di man lang ako naalalang i-greet ni nitz, ang aking bestfriend. Whatever the reason, tampo mode talaga ako. Haha. Medyo lang naman. In fairness, ang saya ng Pasiklaban ngayon compared last year… at mind you, hindi ako nasuka sa oblation run (last year kasi bigla akong feeling nasusuka nung nanood ako, nakakatawa). Tapos, fun fun fun din kasi kasama ko sina Chiqui, Anne, Jade and Ate Pat. Nagperform din pala sina Job, at grineet daw pala niya kaming mga ka-thesis niya… di ko sila napanood dahil pumuslit ako sandali sa kanila papunta kina zam at napa-shot ng di oras. Comedy nun… as usual, Maroon 5 mode ako pagbalik sa school. Salamat sa effect ng red lights dahil di gaanong halata ang aking nagmaroon na mukha. Haha.. tapos, kahit di ko sabihin na ako’y tumungga, alam na alam ng mga lola dahil hyper daw ako that time. Ahaha. Di naman noh. Medyo din lang.

Tapos na din ang aming survey sa wakas. Nakakatuwa magsurvey, super! Mix emotions actually kasi happy pag pumapayag iyong mga tao pero irita pag ayaw kami pag-bigyan sa pagsagot. Haha. Sarap sampalin ng mga tao lalo iyong mga kumag na sinisimangutan pa kami pag nag-aask kaming mag-survey. Tapos, tambay lang naman kami ng SM foodcourt, La Asotea, at Andoks sa Session Road para magpa-survey sa mga tao doon. Tapos, since ako ang pinaka-shy type (haha..) sa mga ka-thesis ko, lagi akong talo sa “race-to-five” game namin sa mga respondents. Pero masaya naman kase after ng survey, lahat kami ay uma-avail ng zagu na binabawas din sa funds namin. Haha. Kulang na nga lang ay mag-eyeliner kami at gawing spike ang buhok para magmukhang nang posero eh! Nyaha… Mga tambay kasi, nagha-hunting ng tao.

Tapos ito na ang badtrip at comedy na nangyari sa akin ngayong buwan. Nag-overnight kasi kami kina Jade sa Trancoville two weeks ago para lamayin na ang “supposedly” final script na para sa aming infotainment production. eh di siyempre literal na walang tulugan neh. Na hindi naman naging gaanong ka-productive kasi puro lang kami tawanan at kwentuhan as usual…nga pala, nanood din pala kami ng mga anime na pagcho-chorvahan. Ahaha! Very productive overnight indeed! Tapos nung medyo umaga nang ganyan, siyempre exit mode na kami kina jade para matulog na sa bahay. Obviously, para na akong hindi naka-apak sa lupa noon sa sobrang bangag at naisipan ko na lang mag slippers at literal na bitbitin ang aking sapatos. Ayun, kami po ay nagtaxi sabay sabay pauwi sa aming mga bahay. Make lapag ko sa taxi ang aking paboritong shoes at nang maka-labas na ko ng taxi, It took approximately 50 secs bago nag-process sa utak ko na naiwan ko pala sa taxi ang magaling na sapatos. Eh di siyempre nagfly-away na ang taxi at ako’y naiwan na lang in the middle of nowhere. Hehe. Buwisit talaga iyon! Kakabili ko palang iyon nitong sembreak nawala na kaagad! So now, may I lihim ako sa aking mother and father na nawala ang aking sapatos at mapipilitang magtipid at kumupit at the same time para maka-bili ng bagong sapatos. Pero please lang, hindi na ganoong design kasi maiiyak lang ako. Ahaha. Sabihin ko na lang kay mother na nakipag-palitan ako ng sapatos sa friend ko. W-o-W… very lame excuse, alam ko. Pero no choice eh. Hahaha.

Quotes for the Month:

Chiqui: Cza, ang sapatos na Pony, hindi naiiwan sa taxi… ninanakaw!
Chiqui: Cza, pahabol pa pala…. ang sapatos, hindi binibitbit… sinusuot po!
Anne: magaling, magaling, magaling!
Josh: balik uncivilized na naman ang paa natin ah.. ahaha. (after niya ako makitang naka-slippers ulit pagpasok sa school)
Sera: Paanong nawala iyon? Suot mo?

Pero anyhow, uuwi na po akong tarlac bukas, with my new shoes. Ahaha. Wala nang atrasan to noh dahil uwing uwi na din ako noh! Siyempre, gusto ko ding makipag-bonding sa aking lolo at lola na ngayon lang ulit umuwi ng pinas. Happy talaga ako sa pagdating nila kasi na-miss ko talaga magkaroon ng lolo at lola… after inang passed away last year. Hay, ang cool nina papa at nanay, kamo. Ang sweet pa ah... matutuwa ka talaga sa kanila lalo pag inaasar ni papa si nanay, nakakatuwa. Sana nga magtagal pa sila dito eh kaso uwi na sila before mag-new year. Pero atleast makakasama ko sila ngayon pasko… uuy! Drama ba? Hehe. Pero totoo iyon noh… super love ko kasi sila at alam kong super love din nila ako… yehey! =)

Overwhelming talaga ang buwan na ito. Matatawa ka na lang sa mga pangyayari eh… lalo na iyong sapatos na until now ay di pa rin ako maka-get over… lalo naman sina chiqui na tawa pa rin ng tawa pag naaalala ang kasablayan ko. Ahaha… hay, Merry Christmas na lang talaga sa ating lahat. =)

Random Thoughts

2006-11-27T11:54:00.000+08:00

I cannot tell for sure if I will wave goodbye to college four months from now, but just the thought of having to file up a graduation form on Tuesday brings me the jitters of kissing my laidback “student years” goodbye and saying hello to job-hunting and living on my own. Haha. I am all ecstatic with the idea of leaving school but I am also too frightened of getting acquainted with the real world. But, I guess before planning out a major metamorphosis, I might as well pass Bio10 first. Funny, but I am actually taking up Biology class this semester together with a bunch of freshmen students… and damn, I am alienated and I am really S-C-A-R-E-D. It was like eons ago since I last heard of Biology so how the hell will I know for sure how dioxynucleic acid works? Haha. What if I fail Bio10? The good news is that I may not be able to graduate if I fail this GE subject. So, please, God help me…

I had the best sembreak ever, and now I am starting to miss my 24/7 pig-out moments for three weeks last month. I also attended this inuman session with my high-school friends where I threw up twice! Yeah, not once, but two times of throwing up like there’s no tomorrow. It was one horrible and hallucinating moment that I am just looking forward to happen again. Haha. And also, through some cosmic proportion, together with three of my grade school buddies, I was able to organize our 3rd get-together. But last sembreak’s get together was way way more fun and ehem, extra eventful. Haha. I really love catching up with these people whom I never expected to be friends with in the first place. They all make going back home more special and wanted. As we’ve realized, it was the last sembreak for most of us that’s why we spent and brought the night to the next level. haha. Whatever that means. I miss sembreak. Sigh.

I am starting to miss Baguio even this early. Haha. (feeling ba?! Hehe) I so like the cold weather at the moment and am deeply inlove with the occasional mists whenever we walk down Session Road at night. It makes my atmosphere irresistibly nostalgic and mysterious, which I really like. It’s nice to have a healthy amount of nostalgia sometimes because it practically makes and re-makes Baguio as a venue for love lost and found. Haha. I am starting to miss Baguio because of the fact that I have no plans of working here. Me and my buddies already had our eyes laid on working in Manila and I am not changing my mind yet. I love Baguio and I am dreaming of owning a house here just so I can visit the place whenever I want. But I just can’t bear the thought of having to work here because it ain’t fun at all. I love Baguio but I just know that the place and I are not meant for each other. Haha. There are just some moments and things and people that I just love to hate about the place. And even this early, I am saying goodbye.

Look who’s turning twenTEENone this December. Wow, now I have an additional year to remind me that it is just mandatory for me to GROW UP. It’s pathetic but 21 years of living just don’t prove that I am mature enough to act my age. I know I am childish, and I just have to admit that most of the time I have this “utak grade 3” syndrome. I still love pursuing this IRAQ-US “War on Terror” with my 7-year-old brother and on most occasions, I still can’t decide on my own. I still break things, I still cry over petty things, and I am still undeniably clumsy and “burara”. Haha. But whatever happens, I know I can never get away from turning twenty-one next month. As one of my friends say “Czarina, sobrang legal ka na to do everything! Debut mo na ulit eh!” Yeah, right. Hehe. I don’t know what’s going to happen and the funny thing is that I still don’t hold the “conviction” to act my age. I just hope this year will be a little different, that something good and life-changing will eventually surface just so I can GROW UP. Advance Happy 21st bday to me. =)

This may be a change of phase but I am not missing anyone lately. Haha. I guess I am damn right in deciding that giving up is the best and the only thing to do. I’ve been bombarded by love problems from my friends 24/7 and I’ve just been fed up by stories of lost loves, and of loves that are bound to crash down… Mine just ended. And I just know that I have yet to find someone who can beat the stupidity I had from actually praying for things to happen and for past feelings to come back. Facing the mirror and seeing how uglier and “wider” I am getting every day is enough reason for me to stop dreaming and just make good things happen for me, like passing my bio10 and polsci14 quizzes on Wednesday, perhaps. Haha…

Basta all in all, I am a happy person at the moment… me and my college “chockarans” promised to make this hopefully last semester fun, fun, fun for us! I don’t know if it will still be fun when I learn that I failed bio10. haha. Wag naman sana. I just hope that this sem will be extra-ordinary. That all of us will eventually have our happy endings. Others already had. I am yet to find my own… =)

l.o.v.e. e.n.t.r.y.

2006-11-09T00:47:00.000+08:00

I know that I shouldn’t be writing about this because every other person within the approximate distance knows about it already. Every single detail has been told about this bitter, tragic, pointless, and now lost love story. I’m sorry and I am promising that this would be one of the final chapters, if not the last.

I actually thought that I can easily manipulate everything that I do and that I can push to believe in anything that I am supposed to believe in. I forced myself to trust that having my mind set, and pursuing a planned a state of mind, will eventually make me normal. For a time, I was victorious in trying to be sufficient for myself believing that I need no one to be happy. But there are just some things that I can never deny and that there are some moments that I have no left resort but to give in and let the stupid side of me win once more.

Seeing him is hard enough, but realizing that there’s still something with me is a little harder (especially when I actually thought that I have forgotten some things already). Time and again, I fell short with my so-called defenses. I was caught off guard. Seeing a special person should have been the greatest feeling ever but it was irresistibly painful when I looked at him and actually know that he’s gone for good; and that I could never bring back everything to the way it was. Recently, I have seen for myself that the past should remain as it is now, and that I should now begin to look ahead. And with that, I am planning to redo my act of giving up… Sad as it is, but this is the nth time of my bitter surrender. And I hope it will work this time. I am keeping my fingers crossed.

I was partially happy to see him around and was particularly occupied with the experience of reliving the past. It was fun to actually look back and try to revive the irrational, impulsive, and happy side of who we were. But amidst the fun and the tell-tale of us as grown-ups, I was sorry. And may I just say that the sorriest part is that the whole act of reliving made me learn that the past will never come back. And that, by now, I should actually start to get a life. This may be my goodbye. And I hope to keep my word this time. I promise to save myself from having my heart suffer an pained throb again… it was wrong enough to assume something and I wouldn’t want to have my heart trapped again. Not again, please.

Being the negative and pessimistic girl that I am, irony tells it that I am a strong believer of happy endings. And with that I am really wishing to find my own, and this time finding my happiness should not involve clinging to the past and embracing the coldness of an absence. I have learned that I will never find a relatively happy ending if I count on to something that's gone already. "That would be useless and disappointing", just as a certain movie line tells it. This is not the masochist me speaking, but the girl who finally, through an eventful process, is learning to give up, happily. It is sad to realize that time is furious and changes has gotten to everyone already. But this just made me learn that I might as well avail these changes, and that I should forget about romanticizing the past and clinging to a dusty romance. The problem about me lies with the fact that I have been so involved with the past that I seemed to overlook the life that I have now. Sure thing I love the life that I have at present and I am especially grateful with the people and the things that add up to a relatively complete life that I Have at the moment. But sometimes, I just can’t help but look back and wish for something to reappear. Happy endings occur, I have no other choice but to believe that I haven’t lost yet.

Twenty years of living made me learn a little bit of myself and I am proud to say that I am a person who never seem to finish anything.. Haha. I tend to refuse seizing the day, and I seem to never get over a good book. I am never a fan of closing chapters and moving on. The list goes on as I try to put into words my pathetic idea of living the past. But then, having the reality slap me once more, I know that I must have a change of phase and redirect a seemingly disoriented fate. I have liked/loved a person and for the first time in my life, I am not really ashamed of it. I bet the title of this entry is enough reason to prove my nerve to reveal something utterly stupid. Haha.

As I’ve told for the nth time, this may be my final chapter and I am promising this time to live with my word. I have actually gotten a life, I am proud enough to say it. Its just that sometimes, seeing something from the past is like being re-haunted by a former ghost that I thought I have forgotten already. What I am having right now, I guess, is a form of spotting. Haha. That after such reoccurrence of a dormant throb, acceptance comes next. I will really buy a life without ghosts and past reoccurrences. Now, may I just say that I’m ready and that I am happily married with the idea of giving up. =)

*ang blog na ito ay inspired ng mga mura na inabot ko sa aking mga mabubuting friends nung nagkwento ako sa kanila about it. haha. thank you. asan na ang helmet? nawawala na nga ata! haha.

Present Life

2006-10-02T17:29:00.000+08:00

This is my hopeless attempt to sensationalize the boring existence that I am pursuing right now, which revolves around the mess that I need to fix in school and the sembreak that I might not be able to avail.

*fingering journ 109
Now I know how it feels to have your fingers overused, literally. The 50-page handwritten digest that we were required to do in journ109 (mass media laws) has resulted to this quite weary right hand that I am having right now…(not to mention the sore and throbbing veins in between my fingers due to writing almost nonstop for two days.) I loathe hand writing and it was really record-breaking that I was able to bear the pain of having my hands crucified through it. Imagine needing two days to write down all of the cases… I was actually reminded of gradeschool, those times when children were forced to write the overrated “I will not be noisy again” ten thousand times when caught giggling or chatting with a blabbermouth seatmate. Now I remember how unflawful it was during the old days. But a friend of mine said that “I won’t be noisy again” would be inappropriate for me. She said that it would be better if I promise ten thousand times that “I will be good when meeting a new friend”. Yeah, right! But that’s another story.

*the eyeball thingy
Nyahaha! I know most of my childhood and high-school friends, who thought they knew me too well, would laugh at my face when they learn about this… but its okay. I’m used to their mockery, anyway. Let’s go into the funny details... it is safe to say that I did meet somebody, unintentionally (because afterall, I never really wanted to meet him in person). And yes, tang ina talaga. Haha. Not in my slightest imagination would I ever see myself trapped in such situation again. Never again, please. But before anyone else get me wrong, and before you begin to smirk while trying to imagine the uneasy situation that I survived through, really, it's not what you think. It's not that I’ve turned into an ugly slut who’s hopeless enough to plan for her own romance. It was just something that I’ve tried, once, because a friend of mine reminded me that I should, after all, get a life. “Puro ka na lang skul, matanda na tayo, cza, bente na!” and so, I thought that she was right. Referrals did the whole thing with the both of us and we became friends thru text. Haha. There was nothing wrong with the person that I met… It was me who has gone all wrong. And after the tragic but hilarious incident, I realized that everything else takes time and that I should never rush things out… that true love waits. Nyaha…

*goodbye! now na!
Ate pat asked me last night why I looked pissed off, I blatantly said to her, “nagbawas kase ako ng kaibigan” (hala, ang corny, noh?!) Okay, maybe it was rude of me to say it but there’s nothing that I can do now. I decided to lose a friend. Maybe it was an obvious mistake. But then maybe he deserved it too because after all these years, he was fast to answer that my friendship has been nothing to him. So what was I supposed to do, right? I do not plan to have people around me who would just know that I exist when they are in need…those people who would only know me when they need someone to tell them the words that they would want to hear - the words that they need to elate themselves and make them believe that they are better off than other people. I'm just too tired of trying to be kind and for once, I would really want to be reminded on how cruel I am. Haha. Maybe its sad and all that because I am used to having this person, believing that I was his friend too, but I know its better this way. I was dead wrong when I thought that as his friend I mattered to him. So, devoured by the angst that has kept me down that day, I said to him that he didn’t deserve my friendship. (yuck, baduy!). It was an entirely pathetic argument that led to my friendship’s tragic end and now I wonder what if words hadn’t been said… Bitter? No way.

*Batangas!
We’re off to Batangas real soon for the continuation of our "INC" thesis prod! We are supposed to meet with the production staff of Captain Barbell and Komiks. And since the former's exec. producer told us that they're shooting in Batangas and that they have no time to meet with us in Manila, there's no stopping us from heading to the South this sembreak (not unless we run out of money to spend for our transpo and stuff) I’m so excited to meet and greet Richard Gutierrez na. Haha. The thesis thingy is back in the game this sembreak so instead of limping around this October and get wasted every night with a bunch of childhood friends, the five of us might as well stretch some muscles and prepare our legs for a literal legwork for our production. Hell yeah!

Another Perfect Day

2006-09-11T14:52:00.000+08:00

Because of finally letting the reality of acquiring INC for thesis sink into my system, I decided to have a little break and spoil myself a bit. See? I’ve changed. I am not the usual withdrawn and bothered girl that I’ve known myself to be for twenty years. This time, I decided not to feel lost for once even though my grades this semester are all crashing down, like airplanes that are meeting their tragic end. Haha. Even through we didn’t finish comm200, even though we got an almost failing grade for our radio production in bc107 and even though I wasn’t able to submit a major paper in journ113, I still don't feel like submerging into paranoia. Haha. Delinquent? Not really... Just taking things easy.(haha)

My own version of a soothing release doesn’t really involve much of what its supposed to be because, as I’ve told before I am a person who is easily pleased and finds happiness with the most trivial thing possible. And this time, I found happiness in watching “Here on Earth” and laughed real hard in reading this really funny book by Bob Ong (Bob Ong equates hysterical and contagious laughs). I bought the movie and the book on sale yesterday. And since I just got rid of my journ109 whole-day class yesterday, which practically drained the best of me, I decided to please myself with the petty things that I bought.

Here On Earth is a really nice movie. It starred my next-life-lover Josh Hartnett and LeeLee Sobieski and Cris Klein. I dunno but the movie was not shown in theaters in 2000…and from then on, as a self-proclaimed Josh Hartnett lover, I’ve been wanting to watch the movie. So, from the moment that Chiqui showed it to me in a video store, there were never second thoughts. I bought the copy. =) The movie is a bittersweet romance of people who found true love with each other’s hands…uhm, it practically has an overused plot, which revolved around finding the love of your life but realizing that she has cancer and is about to bid you goodbye. But then, being the hopeless romantic that I am, I still loved the movie! Even though it only seemed like a recount of A Walk To Remember, I was still moved by the movie… and was still caught teary-eyed on how two lovers show how love surpasses all. Haha.

My Bob Ong experience is divine (as ever). It was a reunion, two years after reading his first book, Abnkkbsnplako, which practically ached my stomach and brought me into reviewing the MTV version of my grade school days. “Bakit Baligtad” is way way funnier than his first book, I swear! The guy just got this intrinsic power to make you laugh without trying too hard. His antics are unbelievable! In the book, he wrote about all things Filipino. The man just knows us too well. I am amused on how he details the slices of life of Pinoys, on how he depicts the rural and urban life that we have. But then aside from the hardcore laughs that the book offers, BobOng also depicts how socially relevant his book is through providing an implied realization on how are we as Filipinos…on how better and worse are we as people. I haven’t finished the book yet and I’m planning to finish it real soon right after my works are done.

*Yeah, yeah, yeah… Josh Harnett and Bob Ong are all it takes to make me happy. =)

It’s just that, because of the things that ate up most of my time for the past few months such as thesis and internship, I know that I owe myself a little pampering to ease myself a bit from the demanding works that I have in school. This semester is really the “IT” semester for me who needs to divide my time from the demands of thesis-making and the anxiety of internship. At last, I am proud to call myself busy. (hahaha…) That finally, for half of my life, I believe I am using the best of my time with some things that matter. =) Its actually fun to experience being able to do the things that real journalists do. With all the legwork that sometimes becomes too much literal and the mind-boggling writing process, I am on the verge of acquainting with the world that I might be living in the future.

Even though I am not making the best of the things that do, at least I am giving every little thing a try… and this time, my “trying” doesn’t necessarily involve the worries, the drawbacks, and the paranoia that I’ve grown myself with for years of studying. Now I’m finally learning to enjoy what is at hand and even enjoy the company of friends that bear the same tired muscles as I do.

Now that I’ve had my own version of loosening up, I am in for the next work tomorrow and even the weeks after. This is like going back to the real world after a few minutes of daydreaming. This is really earth-back-to-me kind of thing but it’s still fine, I am still happy. See? I’ve really changed. =)

Drowning But Still Okay

2006-08-27T15:29:00.000+08:00

Updates about my beautiful life.

InCoMpLeTe. Yeah. Sure. I am facing the possibility of acquiring the celebrated INC grade in Comm200 (thesis) this sem. Shit happens. Seems that we were too confident with our thesis that we were caught unaware that our topic is overwhelming enough to need the whole year to work on to. Seems like Superman/Pepeng Tisoy’s overrated superpowers can’t even save us from the pitfall that we call, INC. But its still fine, atleast me and my thesismates are still having the time of our lives, laughing the day away and eating out everyday. I mean, I wouldn’t have survived the hassles of thesis-making without Chiqui’s funny antics and Anne’s contagious laughs. They are the best things about Comm200. haha.

FrUsTrAtEd WrItEr. After two months of working in SunStar Baguio, well, I am proud to say that I haven’t published any story yet. Haha. Now who do we have here? A promising future journalist, indeed! Yeah, my works may have been real crappy that our EIC didn't find the nerve to include any of it in SunStar issues. But its still okay. I just have to admit it that I am not writer enough to have my works published. Reality bites. =(

Breaking news: after eons of trying hard to be a journalist, finally, by cosmic proportion, I was able to publish my first ever article.haha. Now, who’s feeling lucky? =)

Update: Now I've got four articles printed in the papaer. Life's good, sometimes. =)

BaNkRuPt. I’m broke. But I’m happy. I’m poor…. But I’m always kind. Haha. Alanis really defines the moment that I live in nowadays. It’s really funny but I have no idea where my money has gone. They just drifted apart… and got lost completely. Sure, this is what it pays to study away from home because you really have to work things out and budget the “scanty allowance” that you have. Well, atleast, way back high-school I was indifferent to budgeting money for tomorrow. Atleast in Tarlac, next week is always another story… that you always succeed in concocting alibis to gain money. Hahaha. Those were the days, talaga.

CoLd. Well, what can I say? I still hate the fucking rain… it’s been constantly raining here in Baguio for ten years already! Ahaha… and it’s been a fact that I am becoming more sinful during the rainy season… literally and figuratively. The melancholic atmosphere here in Baguio when it rains makes it more unbearable… My regular dose of caffeine intake increases… my clothes aren’t dry yet… and my heart, yes, my heart, is freezing cold…

FrIeNdLy FrIeNd. Well, I am enjoying the company of friends lately. And I know it’s safe to say that they are yet the best “things” at the moment to compliment my already “busy-busyhan”life in school. Chiqui and Anne and Jade are the best things about Comm200… Chiqui and Anne still makes it a point that life is still fun… That next week, we can still watch “You Are The One”. Harhar! (I am currently plotting ways to force Chiqui watch with us…=p) and, yeah, Fat and Josh are the best things about Journ109 (the subject that tormented our Friday nights..hehe). Plus, I have this new friend on the block that Chiqui told me to give "it" a try.. haha. Nothing really important and special... Its still healthy to be human, sometimes. Di ba?

VaUgHnE. I know these guys are really busy right now and may I just say that I really miss them. These guys are still, and will always be, one pf the best things about my life as a whole. They are the mere people who believe that “I am still a good egg even if I’m a little cracked.” Haha. And I just can’t wait for sembreak because these are few moments that we get to see each other, the five of us. Haha… Lumelevel na naman ang kadramahan ko. Erase. Erase. Erase. Hehehe.

SeE BiG pIc PrOdUcTiOnS presents: Ang Kapa Ni Pepeng Tisoy
Ito ang aming dialogue sa inaraw-araw na nagmi-meet kami!hehe…)

Chiqui and Anne: Please lang, Czarina ha! Elices, umayos ka!
Cza: Sabagay (pag wala nang ibang masabi…)
Chiqui: Cza, its fucking raining again!
Cza: Shit happens
Chiqui:most of the time
Chiqui: idaan na lang sa “ganda ko” ang thesis!
Cza: sino kaya ang katabi ko papuntang Manila? Mukhang pinagkakaisahan ako ng dalawang to ha!
Anne: pag natapos natin tong thesis, videoke tayo ha? Ahaha…
Cza: Huwag na… hiya kami sa boses mo, Chiqui!
Chiqui: kamusta na kayo ni dalawang dekada?
Cza: Ayun dalawang dekada pa rin… and still counting.. actually pinatay ko na siya!hehe
Anna: (dahil sa unavoidable circumstances, lagi akong nale-late) Cza, we don’t see you coming… we don’t see a green umbrella (worth 100php) approaching…
Kidlat Tahimik: don’t call me sir, im just a kid! (oo nga naman…kidlat nga naman..hehe)
Job: Good morning sir/ma’am… we are communication students from the University of the Philippines Baguio and we are currently doing a thesis on the boom of superheroes on television. We would like to ask if you’re available for interview? Uhm, hello? Hello? Tooot… (haha.. for the nth time)
Job: ayaw pa-interview ni Jun Cruz Reyes!
Cza: Naku, si Jay Taruc nalang ngarud! (haha..bigatin!)
Jade: sorry..sorry..sorry..sorry..ang dami ko na atraso sa inyo.. sori..sori…(hehe)
All of us: Wee! Incomplete. Incomplete. Incomplete. Ang yayabang kase ntin eh. Hahaha... =)

Raining On My Mind

2006-08-06T19:49:00.000+08:00

"Fuck the Rain!”
“I hate the fucking rain na talaga!”
Haha… I could still remember sending these seriously funny messages to all of my friends during the height of the typhoon weeks here in Baguio. Those were the days when classes were suspended for days and I had nothing left to do than utter curses because of the things that I was unable to do and because of doing nothing else but bore myself with text messages and occasional naps under the gloomy, depressing, and misty sky.

I hate the rain. I hate it for bathing my pants. I hate the rain because my nose sneezes. I hate the rain because my migraine gets the better of me. I hate the rain because I slip around 10,000 times a day no matter what slippers I wear. I hate the rain because it freezes my feet and marinates it with the dripping dirt of the street– which primarily contains some flavorful human spits plus the overall slums of the present life. I hate it because classes are suspended. Its not that I am a good student or something, it’s just that when classes are suspended, you are pressured to rush things out after. I hate rushing and cramming for things that you were supposed to accomplish that easy. I hate the rain because I am stuck in the boardinghouse and I miss home. I hate the rain because it takes two decades to dry my clothes. I hate the rain because I eventually I eat and sleep a lot more. I hate the rain because I usually remember sad things. I hate the rain because it makes me feel nostalgic and forlorn and lost all at once. Yeah, no need to go further on that. By now, you must have a clear idea on how much “passionate” I am with the idea of raining.

I dunno, maybe I am just plain estranged to hate the rain. My childhood days retold about not only liking, but really loving the wet season. There’s even this vivid memory of me playing in the rain with my cousins and catching dirty fishes from the drainage canals, and literally stroking those fishes without even knowing how utterly dirty they were. And after bathing and plunging our bodies with grime and whatever bacteria it was to call it, we would patiently wait for the hot noodles that my auntie would cook for us. I could still remember playing “batbatan” and “langit lupa” with my elementary friends while bathing in the rain and ending up feeling sick the day after. Yeah. Those were the days.

But now, on my twentieth year of having to experience the season, my complete disgust of raining transcends angry words. Maybe there’s really nothing wrong with it, and I’m just a person alienated enough to blame the rain for the shits in my life. Maybe it’s just passing the guilt to something really irrational because I can’t blame myself for the bore-that-is-my-life. And maybe, just maybe, I’m only bitter about the romantic idea of having to share the season with somebody. Yeah, sappy movies and even TV ads bring us to this level of understanding that rains are supposed to be moments of kissing, cuddling, and making out. I even watched this cheesy advertisement about a guy who unintentionally pleased the girl of his dreams because it suddenly rained, having the girl blurt out “I love the rain!” Which, after all, led to a yet another knee-melting kissing. And even literature upholds the idea of how rains bring romance with people who deserve each other – on how Pilar, experienced a love lost and found by the River Piedra during the rainy season. Haha. Whatever. So, now we know what fiction and mediated reality are all about.

So, being the bitter girl that I am, I still see no good reason to find happiness with raining. Especially here in Baguio when raining means clear and present danger, when continuous rains eventually bring you the creeps because the next landslide could actually be at your place. Maybe my mean-world-syndrome is getting the better of me as of this moment for hating something but I can’t help it.

Besides, I know my hell days aren’t over. Because the rains still seem to enjoy defining the moment. So, I guess I must accept the distressing reality that there are still pants to be bathed, feet to be soaked and marinated with dirt, and sad memories to be remembered...

Kissing Summer Goodbye

2006-06-06T23:23:00.000+08:00

I know it will sound so cliché if I say that I had the best summer, ever. I know everyone else may feel the same way or even experienced the same way. But spending summer classes in Diliman is one experience that I will never forget. And spending almost every night with Anne and Qevz is something I won’t trade for anything else. And now that summer classes are over, I just find myself smiling whenever I look back to the experiences I had in Manila and mooning over when could I ever go back.

And before everything else turns into history, I would want to recall the details of this memorable summer vacation! I would want to make a vivid and lasting memory of the people that I met, the places I’ve been to, and the fun experience I had as a whole that made this summer, exactly the way I hoped it to be.

Happiness is the first day of summer, so they say. Yeah, that’s true – so true that it actually hurt…

The Subjects

My first week in Diliman was horrible! Since we were only cross-registrants, we really had the worst time in enlisting subjects for our summer classes. It was on the third day of the enrollment that Anne and I finally finished the enrollment process which took us almost two days to complete. But the super haggard enrolment was worth it because we were able to attend the best PI100 Class ever.

Since I was obliged to take 6 units this summer, I took up German10 together with PI 100. I was actually enrolled to PolSci11 but when I learned that the instructor has been the worst nightmare among PolSci students in Diliman, I rushed out from that class (believing I wasn’t confident enough) and immediately went to this seemingly super kind German10 teacher. Its not that I hate polsci, its just that i was too much lazy to actually study this summer!hehe… Reading piles and piles of polsci readings to compliment with PI100 is not my idea of a fun summer class.

Surprisingly, PI100 was one unforgettable subject, and I guess its one of the best classes I’ve attended as far as my three-year-college experience is concerned. I was enrolled to Ma’am Mary Jane Rodriquez-Tatel, this pretty “Pia Cayetano” look-alike, who I think is on her early 30’s. Since PI100, within the UP system, is known to be one of the most difficult subjects that all of us are forced to pursue, I already instructed myself of the not-so-fun things that are yet to happen. And I didn’t go wrong! Ma’am Tatel gave us the best reading assignments! Imagine reading tons of articles every night? But it was still fine, I never finished reading, afterall.hehe…

But what made PI100 unforgettable has been the people I was able to meet – the bright minds yet the most humble people I ever met. We had the best activities – the debates, the group reports, and the Mt. Banahaw fieldtrip! I was able to meet real nice people like Hilda, Mayette, Pido, Rizel, Christian, etc! And Anne and I were able to reunite with Keith, a Labschool schoolmate! We had the best class; the group projects we had made me know these people more. They were really smart people, the kind of people you can actually have a sensible talk with but are the humblest human beings I’ve ever known. They didn’t even mock me considering the fact that I’m only from UPBaguio. They were delighted of my company and they laughed at my jokes, can you believe that?hehe…

Where The Road Is Going

We had two fieldtrips in PI. First was in Intramuros and the next was in Mt. Banahaw. The Intra trip was fine but I enjoyed the Mt. Banahaw trip last May21 a lot more. It took us around 3hours before we reached Mt. Banahaw where the so-called Rizalistas dwell. The place was, as one of their religions imply, mystical.

We went to this Ciudad Mystica de Dios where a sect venerating Rizal lives. We met with their “Suprema”, an old woman who leads their pack and told us about their beliefs and traditions. Darn! They really treated Joe as their God! After that, we went to this famous swamp, which is believed to cure the sick. But before reaching the swamp, we survived this legendary 200+ steps that actually paralyzed my legs the morning after. It was really nice to swim there but too bad we were not able to bring extra clothes. So, Keith and I just settled with plunging our feet into this really soothing current of the water. Yeah, the feeling was actually therapeutic, so to speak.

Our last stop was the “Kalbaryo” cave that definitely goes with its name. It was a real kalbaryo entering and surviving through this cave. The cave has this unusually small passageway that you have to fit yourself into throughout. It was a really funny experience going through those tiny openings, so tiny that we have to get into the cave one by one. The whole class didn’t go through it since some of my classmates have been so withdrawn with the 200+ steps already. Since Anne wasn’t herself that day, she just waited at the exit of the cave together with my other classmates who didn’t feel like going through a real kalbaryo.hehe So what’s with the cave thingy? Nothing really…its just that people believed that if you acquire bruises during the struggle of getting out, that means you still have sins that you have to repent on. If you get even a scratch, you are a sinner. Guess what, I actually got bruises at my back… and I wouldn’t even ask what that means!hehe…

The activities ended at around 4:30 pm and at 5pm, we headed back to Manila. The trip was shorter than the usual and it was really funny to see some really tired classmates having a sound sleep. I was not able to sleep then because I was on the verge of seeing a beautiful sight! So beautiful I just cant take my eyes off that creature in front of me.haha… whatever that means. But when we were so near Diliman already, I suddenly realized that I’d be missing the class, better yet, the overall experience that Anne and I had in Manila. I wanted to cry right then and there but I knew it would be irrational.hehe… and I would look completely stupid if they see me teary-eyed, anyway.

And just as we reached Quezon Hall, we all exited the bus. And by then, the beautiful sight went farther and farther without even saying goodbye…

Three Is a Crowd?

Nah, not even close. Because through my five-week-stay in Manila, I’ve been with Qevz and Anne, the mere persons I couldn’t have survived summer classes without. Yeah, we had the best days in Manila together! I couldn’t possibly enumerate every single thing we did because that would fill up a huge part of this story. Plus, some of these things are not actually “legal” to write about. With the three of us around, eating out has been a given. We’ve been to different food houses that actually ate out most of my allowance.hehe. But our bills are actually nothing compared to the experience of eating with these two persons I could never, as in ever, live without. But among the places we’ve been, my favorite venue would have to be the Harbor View Square, which is so near Qevz’s place. I just loved the place because it was way way better than Baywalk. Harbor View is surprisingly less crowded and the cozy music surrounding the place made it more unforgettable and grand and, romantic. The view of the bay is a really delightful sight that actually made me fall inlove with the place. I can tell that Qevz, Anne and I really enjoyed the place because we went there twice already.

The three of us actually found love in walking.hehe.. because almost in every step of the way, we were walking. Its really nice to walk along the VitoCruz area at night with Qevz and Anne around, all of us speaking in English, while engulfing hot choco on a usual-mainit-night. Gosh, I already miss doing it!

The “Moments” (themes ng kwentuhan…)

Yeah, our lives for one month weren’t always about laughing and having fun and wasting money. There were also moments when we really talked things out. The themes of our conversations were endless because we talked on anything about everything with the Manila-night scene on our backdrop. At one night, we’d talk about our dreams. And we’d talk about love, hate, family on the other. And there were also nights when we look back to our elementary and high-school days and we eventually realized how time had become too furious; that we’ve been caught unaware on how our childhood experiences seemed so far away.

We have been innately dreamers. And we’d talk about our future dreams most of the time. Qevz and Anne promised that they’d be seeing each other in lawschool in Manila. And by then we’d talk about them becoming the coolest lawyers, co-owning a prominent law firm and becoming the most sought-after lawyers in town! Yeah, I know from the fact that these two persons would be able to achieve that dream because they are two of the smartest people I’ve ever met.

I’m really proud and happy that Qevz turned out to have this drive to pursue law and have actually laid future plans. I am a living witness on how he’d had too much fun in high school, how he played around and stuff. And now, he’s completely focused with finishing college and climbing up to lawschool, and as his friend, I’ve never been prouder. And with Anne, I believe in this girl so much. Having been her classmate in college has proven me that this friend of mine has a long way to go. And I guess, if she happens to be a lawyer, she would be the prettiest lawyer you’ll ever encounter. And as of me, well, as always, I wasn’t confident enough to actually plan for my own future. But, really, as far as my dreams are concerned, I told them that I’d really want to become a successful writer. I wanted to pursue a career in journalism or broadcasting. Yeah, atleast I still believe that dreams do come true.

On our night with love, which seemed to be one interesting yet tragic subject, we’d talk about relationships, sex, unrequited love, and everything in between. Anne shared her thoughts about love and on how her experiences with relationships made her grow...made her learn how to be the real boss!hehe... Too bad, Qevz wasn’t really open whenever we reach this subject but still he managed to share his views. I also told them about my really pathetic experience with love. They knew about every single thing I did for this tragic unrequited love that I’m still having. I’ve told them on how much I’ve been aware that there’s no future for this that I’ve been feeling but I can’t do a thing. I’ve been really honest with them as I retold how love resulted to this weak and negative-minded person inside of me. And with that they were always the nicest; they wished that someday I’d be able to find true love. Haha…

The family talk was also unforgettable, a getting-to-know-you-more experience on these two people that I actually thought I already knew. I won’t provide details to this topic because I do respect privacy, though it doesn’t always show that I do. Hehe. I really felt lucky to earn their trust with the things that were supposed to be private and untold. We really talked about our families, on how we’d do every single thing to make them proud and happy about us and on how lucky we’ve always been to have our families who took care of us and influenced us on how we are today.

Those moments when we talk about serious things is my most divine experience whenever we’re together because, through it, I’ve really proven that we are actually thinking individuals!haha.. that aside from laughing to death and being “barubal”, we also exercise our sensible sides, the side that made us vulnerable as human beings.

The Pickup Lines
Qevz and Anne, something to ponder upon.. hope you like it.haha..

For Cza:
“I love it that it takes you an hour and a half to order Pansit Malabon/Mcfloat…
I didn’t come here tonight because it’s crowded in the lagoon…
I came here tonight because when you realize that you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want to spend the rest of your life as soon as possible…”
“Saan nga ung kitaan?” (jake2 naman oh…)
“Kuya Eric…” (tang ina! Asar!!hehe)
“Pwedeng makipag-phonepall?”
(Nung nawawala sa intra…) Cza: Manong pedicab, magkanong papunta sa post office? Manong: trenta! Cza:*naisip ang sinabi ni Qevz na bente lang kahit gaano kalayo basta pedicab* Trenta? Wag na!! *sabay walkout sa maling direksyon, actually..*
Qevz and Anne: So, how’s you textlife with _ _ _ _y?hehe. Dalawang dekada na ito!ehehe

For Anne:
Cza: Anne, di mo na kailangan mag-6units noh… actually nag-overload ka na nga when you hooked up with Marky. 21 units ka ngayong summer, auntie!hehe
Qevz: Why don’t you guys (Anne and Marky) plunge into the breakwater and catch some Siringan and alaloo.. and rest at the PULISYA yacht after?(hahaha…)
“Nathan…”
“I hope ha… I just hope!”
*cellphone: you’ve got one message* anne: nyeta!!!! After a few mins *cellphone: you’ve got one message* *bigla naman nang ngingiti, out of nowhere..* (hayyy! Ang pag-ibig nga naman, neh?hehe)

For Qevzy:
Cza: ju-juy..
Anne: juy-juy
Cza and Anne: We’re so home, honey!
Anne: Iba kase talaga pag-Ilustrado. Iba yung kulay ng skin, rosy ba!
“Glaiza…”
“Cza: Naku, qevz… paano na lang pag wala ka, di talaga namin kakayanin dito sa Manila. Qevz: Hala, may ganung drama pa kayo, doh!!!”
Anne: Qevz, bonding tayo nian sa lawschool ha? UP or Arellano, here we come!
Cza: Ui ha, pag lawyers na kayo, bigyan niyo ko ng trabaho neh? Pag hindi, patay kayo sa akin!hehe.. kahit assistant nio lang, ok na! =)
A friend is sweet, but cannot eat… (hahaha…natutunan sa paniqui south!)
Sabi nila jokes are half-meant daw… joke,joke,joke!
The things that you fear the most are the ones worthwhile. (seryoso ito, auntie!)

Feeling-Singers!

There were also times that we developed this perchance for singing, and we’d go as far as 3am in Providence just to satisfy this unlikely urge.hehe… Since Anne and I we’re never singers, we never failed to be mesmerized by Qevz’s really good voice. (no kidding!) I swear I’d really miss those times when we actually sang our hearts out …

The solo artists
I remember this time when we had our own identities, and made ourselves as versions of singers. Though, we never really entertained the idea. *La lang, trip lang… iba kase kapag feeling wasted. Hehe*

“Underneath your clothes, there’s an endless story…”
Anne/Shakira, ikaw bay an?

“Cuz Im Bluer Than Blue, sadder than sad…”
Cza/sabi na ngang Regine eh, hindi Cacai!

“Cuz Im fallin, fallin in love with you, and I don’t, I don't know what don’t know what to do…” Qevz/Can you believe that? I’m actually sitting next to Janno Gibbs!

OSTs (the hindi-pa-kami-laos kinds of songs…)
Sharing The Night Together by (no idea...)
“Looking kinda lonely girl, would you like someone new to talk to. Ah, yeah… alright. Im feeling kinda lonely too, if you don’t mind, can I sit down here beside you? If I seem to come on too strong, I hope that you would understand. I say these things because I’d like to know if you’re as lonely, as I am. And if you’d mind, sharing the night together? Woh…yeah…”
>>>>I just love this song. And it has been our favorite as well. One of our official soundtracks that actually retold about our almost sleepless nights together… those staying up all night moment making “gala” and “making kwentuhan” as if “wala nang bukas”.hahaha…

Always by (no idea din pero for sure asa videoke ito!hehe)
Girl you are to me, all that a woman should be and I would love you for always…
>>>>If ever/by twist of fate/through cosmic disproportion, I get married someday… I wanna hear this song on my wedding day, talaga.hahaha… (If ever lang naman eh… pagbigyan niyo na. Moment ko ito, noh…haha) I mean, the song is just so romantic and every other girl will eventually fall for its lyrics.

Paalam Na by Babin and Bebe
Nakita kitang may ibang kasama, wala na yatang… pag-asang muling magkabalikan tayo.. kahit na anong gawin, kahit anong pilit ko. Nagsawa ka na.. ako’y nilisan na. ako’y pinabayaan mo…
>>>>This song was actually the sountrack of “Kahon” one among the nine movies of last semester’s 2nd upb indie film fest. And it was really nice that Qevzy began to like it and so did Anne. And from then, we never failed to sing it together. (lalo na pag nagmomoment tungkol sa past loves…one stanza per person pa yan!hehe…) I mean, the message is really sad and tragic, but I just love it.

The End

To make this portion a little different and a little less nose-bleeding for me, let’s try Tagalog. Naman noh…

Dear Charo ba ito?
…kung gagawan ng titulo ang buhay namin ng isang buwan gaya ng ginagawa sa maalaala mo kaya, malamang electricfan yun, kase un ung huli naming recollection sa isa’t isa.. nung sinoli namin from Sampaguita Dorm to Vito Cruz Towers ang hiniram naming electric fan ni Qevzy. Grabe, kakaiyak kaya yun tska nakakapagod, sobra.hehe Buti nalang wala si Qevzy…kase maiiyak nalang talaga ako pag nagkita-kita ulit kami sa manila, sa huling pagkakataon.hehe… Nagkulang nga lang kame sa pictures! Di man lang kami nakapag-project sa mga places na napuntahan! Shet, sayang! Grabe, naalala ko nung last night namin magkakasama... lahat na ata ng kamalasan nangyari! Nakakatawa talaga, tipong pwede namang di na mangyari pero, ayun, minalas pa rin kami nung magu-umaga na.. Lalo tuloy naging "memorable" sa akin ang lahat. Pero masaya pa rin naman ang ending namin kahit simot ang allowance namin, muntik nawala yung simcard ni qevz, tinopak yung fone ko! Hayy, ang saya talaga! Hehe.

Mga Mamimiss ko:

* hot choco sa 711 kina Qevz (kahit mainit, go lang!)
* kumanta sa providence (oo kaya…)
* choco frap sa Starbucks (na lagi akong nililibre.. doh!)
* magwithdraw sa atm sa tabi ng Benilde (gastusan blues…)
* mag-fx papuntang vito cruz (trenta from philcoa)
* mango shake at sisig sa Casaa (kasarap kaya!)
* pansit malabon sa Katag. (1st food kong natikman sa dil)
* ung german10 teacher ko (kabait, pinasa ako!)
* ung PI100-X5A class under ma’am Tatel (bayani ng bayan o eroe ng nacion?naks!)
* si jake2! Huhu.. (See you sa next life. When we are both cats and dogs.=)
* sina hildie, mayette, at rizel (friendly din pala ako!hehe..)
* maglakad sa lagoon tska sunken (makakita ba naman ng lampungan at 10am!)
* magbasa ng readings sa PI100 (quibuyen, constantino, kayo ba yan?)
* maligo sa Sampa dorm (dun sa nag-iisang cubicle na may shower)
* magbyahe papuntang t.sora (uncle ani: pag asa mcdo ka na b4 smnorth, tawid ka
papunta sa may gilid ng veterans tapos sakay kang nia- npc. buti nalang di ako nawala,
in fairness!)
* tawagan si Qevz gamit ang payphone sa Sampa (makipag-phonepall, doh!)
* mag-english-englishan with Anne and Qevzy! (nose bleed ito!)
* magpalaundry sa philcoa (kamahal sobra!)
* yung summer flingy ni Anne (haha, nangingialam)
* kumain ng fishballs sa SC
* yung buko juice na literal na ‘iced’ (ang mga pinoy talaga, tokis! Exage!hehe)
* magklase sa APMC (nag-iisang room sa upd na me aircon!hehe)
* manood ng concert ng hale (asan na ang picture namin ni champ?asan?huhu…)
* mag-yo. Huhuhu. (Umayos ka na, Czarina!)
* yung captions na ginagawa namin sa mga taong dumadaan (welding: “umaapoy ako!”)
* yung pagiging accountant ni Anne (iba na ang may talent sa math, doh!)
* yung pambabarubal ni Qevz sa pagkatao ko (lang ya naman oh…)
* ung kwentuhan until 3-4am. (fuck, nakakaiyak naman)

My "Pakners" In Crime

Qevzy,

I dunno where to start.haha… its just that Anne and I know from the fact that our summer class wouldn’t be this unforgettable without you. We owe you a lot, really. So much na nga eh. We’ve been really “pabigat” sometimes and we are just so happy on how accommodating you are in every step of the way.hehe.. Thank you for making our stay in Manila really fun, dramatic, and extraordinary…all at the same time. I know words are insufficient for me to thank you but I hope they work. =)

Yeah, I know I sound so melodramatic and all, but really, thank you… Thank you for bringing us to places that Anne and I haven’t been before. Thanks for your free foods, your treats, and everything else that I know money just can’t repay.haha. Thank you for always keeping us company. Thank you for the sleepless nights, the almost “walang tulugan moments”, and the “literal na lakaran” moments, among other things. Thank you for the laughs…the jokes… the pickup lines… that are always genuinely ”you”. I will surely miss those.

May I just say that Anne and I really appreciated every single thing you did. We so much appreciated you when you helped us out during our “supposed” enrollment. You were supposed to be so home in Paniqui but still you took the effort to be with us in Manila. We so much appreciated you whenever you offered help in any way you could. We will never forget that, promise. =)

As my friend, thank you talaga. Because through this unforgettable summer, I was able to know you even more and through my five-week stay in Manila, I’ve proven, for the nth time, how warm your friendship is. I thought I’ve known you all my life but my stay with you made me realize that there are still things about you that I am yet to discover, some unsaid things that I was able to understand just now. Even though sometimes, you deliberately piss me off, especially when you browse through my phone and read about my pathetic txtlyf, you’re still the best!hehe…

So, what do we have here…Summer’s over and we’re back to our normal lives again. It’s really sad to realize that the things that we had are memories already, converted into experiences that are always bittersweet to look back to. If only I could make summer classes a little longer, so that we could have a little more time to be together. We had the time of our lives last summer… so good that it hurt. But I have to face the world again… Go back to Baguio and feel this recurrent homesickness that I never really experienced during the summer.

So I guess, this is it. I have to say goodbye for now. Time and again, may I just say that this whole thingy I have right here is just an outlet for me to tell you the things that I can’t say to you in person. I will surely miss you. Yeah. If the fates will go on my way, we’ll still be seeing each other when I work there in Manila. As Anne said, “I hope ha… I just hope!” hehe. Love yah…

Anne,

Yeah, I know… this is pure melodrama and it is really out-of-character for me to say these mushy things and all that… But I know I have to work things out and thank you before anything else. So, please bear with me..=)

I wanna thank you for being the best summer friend, ever. The experiences I had with you has been really overwhelming… imagine us being together 24/7? Sharing the same room, going to exactly the same places and attending the same PI class?!hehe. And with that, may I just commend you for keeping up with this pathetic girl whose mind is too paranoid to function. And can I just say that summer classes wouldn’t have been this unforgettable without you…

I know summer has been my chance of knowing you more. We’ve been friends in Baguio but there were things about you that I was only able to understand this summer. And believe it or not, you taught me so much things through those five weeks that we’re together. Among other things, you taught me not to complicate things, to avoid being paranoid, and just have fun!haha... I remember those moments when I worried about almost all things about summer and Qevz and you were there to bring me back to earth and taught me to stop worrying. I mean, I couldn’t have survived those moments without you. I swear.

Also, you made this summer unforgettable because you were able to find those “sparks of love” in Manila.haha… I am a living witness on how you get pissed off at one moment and get completely amused on the other when this guy texts you. Those moments made me believe that love actually flickers in the air. Haha. Through you, I may have learned things about love, you are the fittest person to cling to with love problems because you’ve been through it all. =) Speaking of love, I also wanna thank you for listening to my “love” problems and for telling me things I ought to know. Thank you for making me believe that all is fair in love and that, hope springs… Yeah, whatever. Haha. =)

And also, thank you for always being “generous”. So much na nga din eh. Yeah, I remember when you treated us to Crustacia, this really pricey resto… Qevz and I we’re caught completely dumbfounded when you paid for the whole thing. I mean, that was really really so nice of you because I know from the fact that that would be my first and last experience with that resto!hehe…

I know its cliché to say it but words aren’t really enough to express how much thankful I am in everything that you did and gave. Sorry if ever I did anything wrong or caused you some things. I hope you enjoyed my company as much as I did. =)

And with all the melodramatic things that I said, as if this is my final chance to say them, the funny side is that, it all boils down to one thing – See you in Baguio! Yey! Hahaha…

2006-03-20T15:50:00.000+08:00

i so miss blogging.. as in to the highest level. pero di pa rin ako makakagawa ng matinong blog dahil sa lintik na acads na yan. lahat na ng friends ko, nagsi-uwian na ata pero ako'y nagle-legwork pa lang sa IR namin... huhu. sa april 4 pa bakasyon ko tapos sa april 17 ang start ng summer class, kamusta naman di ba? wala nang bakasyon! ang saya saya talaga ng sem na to. haggard to the nth power. todo effort ngayon kaya pag nasingko ako dito, ewan ko na lang. (bobo nalang siguro talaga ako..hehe)

masaya naman kahit daming tinatapos. ayoko kaseng mag-bisibisihan. di kase ako yung tipong ng taong sa sobrang bisi-bisihan eh hindi mo na makausap kase sa ultimong sa panaginip niya, feeling niya busy siya.hehe. basta, kahit hell month ko ngayon at kahit naiiyak na ako kase uwing uwi na ako, go pa rin ng go!hehe.. bukas na pala yung premier night ng 2nd UP Baguio Independent Film Fest, sana may mapanalunan naman film namin.. sana.. im keeping my fingers crossed until tomorrow night.hehe..

saka ko na kwento ang kahaggardan ng paggawa namin ng film. super pagod, as in. hindi joke. pero ok lang kase lagi food trip sa set kaya imbes na pumayat eh di siyempre nadagdagan nanaman ako ng pounds. yey! ang saya noh? go go go sa pagtaba.. pero ok lang. hehe.

o cia cia. namiss ko lang talaga mag-blog. saka na ung mga matitinong post pag happy na ulit ako.. pag asa paniqui na.

gusto ko na talaga umuwi..

nga pala may nabasa akong children's book sa national..

"happiness is the first day of summer," said the school girl.

so that means, di pa pala ako happy. lalo tuloy ako na-sad nung nabasa ko.. hehe.

la lang.

Normal-normalan Mode

2006-02-02T16:48:00.000+08:00

i dont know but i have this weird feeling of not being lonely at all..hehe. despite of all the shits that has been coming along this month, i still dont feel like hiding behind the covers and succumbing into a forced sleep. i mean, this month has been too much to handle. school has become too much to handle. since we're finally doing a short film (20-minuter) for bc130, i know that my succeeding weeks will be spent on shoots and all those artsy-fartsy tasks in filmmaking. as our group's cinematographer, i know i must do something to make our film achieve that look and feel of a real movie.haha.. truth is, im never good in handling the camera, so i guess this time i might as well learn a bit harder on dealing with the lenses.

this is really unlikely because i am not planning to write about angst and loneliness this time. such themes that have been a deemed cliche in my blog. yeah, may i just borrow brian's concept of a nostalgic writer. i think i am a nostalgic writer. i remember kacey telling me that i am a "ma-angst writer", which is so true considering all the things that i wrote about. but then again, this moment is a different theme for me... and i am considering a more hopeful and positive astmosphere for this blog. and to start this fresh metamorphosis, let's try Tagalog...

************
...haha..grabe.. tagalog naman ang drama ko ngayon.. wala lang, di ko kase feel magdrama ngayon...kase nga..kase nga..happy ako.haha. wait, di naman completely happy, ung as in nirvana na or 7th heaven or cloud9 ang feeling, basta hindi lang ako malungkot ngayon... ayun may narealize lang kase ako eh. pwede bang i-share?hehe..

ayun, nung umuwi kase ako, nagkaroon ako ng chance na makipag-bonding kay ate jayterry.. una tawanan lang tapos biglang seryoso na ang topic.. tapos may hypothetical situation akong hiningan ng reaction sa kanya.. tapos un, sa sagot niya.. may natutunan ako.haha.. drama. hindi nga, basta may pinarealize siya sa akin.. di ko na sasabihin.. kulitin niyo muna ako bago ko ibugar.hehe..

tapos happy din kase nakausap ko na si nitz sa wakas! bus-busihan din kase siya ngayon.. buti na lang nakasingit ako sa sched nia.haha.. kase di ko kaya na hindi siya makausap sa loob ng isang buwan! dapat makwentuhan ko siya or makibalita manlang kung kamusta na ang kainitan ng pampanga. haha. ayun, ayos naman... andami naming napag-usapan; from movies to school to love to high school and elementary days! fyi, mabenta kase si nitz sa mga elem classmates namin ngayon eh.. nagtetext naman na sa kanya si toooot.. tska si toooooot..haha! (chismosa talaga!)

next, happy na naman ako kase natapos ko ung comm199 na review of related lit ng research ko.. bwisit un! napiga ang ideas ko.. tuloy ngayon puro hangin nalang laman ng utak ko. at bwisit ulet kase dahil sa comm199 naging insomniac ako... kainis... di ako makatulog sa gabi.. as in literal.. pero happy pa rin... smile pa rin. (freaky ba?! naka-smile sa gabi????)hehe..

tapos, excited na rin ako magsummer.. plan kase namin ni anne na mag-diliman this summer! why not!hehe... kaso lang feeling ko hindi ata pagaaral ang aatupagin ko sa manila! parang bakasyon grande kase ang plano ni qevz sa stay namin sa kanila. pero sana makapag-aral pa din naman kahit konti.. dapat pumasa ako sa PI or else kailangan kong kunin yun dito sa baguio...which is not a good idea. pero ia-abuse ko talaga ang pagstay sa manila.. ngayon ko lang kase makakasama ng matagal ung mga elementary/highschool classmates ko na dun nag-aaral. haha.. excited na talaga ako.

ayun, happy na naman ako kase wala na akong reason na maging sad ngayon.(may sense ba tong statement ko??)hehe.. this is finally letting go of an old feeling.. as in final na talaga to.. promise.. as in literal na out na ang pagiging sad sa isang situation na ni minsan eh hindi naman talaga nangyari.

lastly, happy ako kase excited na ako sa outcome ng film namin.. sana maganda.. sana award-winning.. haha.. dream on. basta sana okay ung kalabasan para mapanood ko kina mother and father.. malay mo, extra big increase of allowance ang kalabasan ng film..sana.hehe..

isa nga lang ako di ako natutuwa ngayon eh.. Long exam kase sa journ106 bukas.. mukhang mahirap pero sana kayanin ko.. kaya ngayon ipa-publish ko na itong munting diary entry ko at magbasa na ng readings kay sir jawo.

(ngayon ko lang napansin, walang koneksyon ung title ng blog ko sa sinulat ko..okay na yan...hehe..)

The Year That Was

2006-01-09T23:02:00.000+08:00

Happy new year!

This is my first 2006 entry so what’s left to do than assess my past year – from the best down to the worst. 2005 was fine. But it was one year when many things in my life happened that changed me in one way or another.

January
the start of the year... new beginnings... new hopes and wishes... new pains... new realizations.

February
It was when we had this bc101 fieldtrip at ABSCBN, that was actually my most unforgettable trip to manila. Even though the ABSCBN studio tour was such a drag, it was still worthwhile to view the world that I might as well get involved to in the future (so God help me). Since our fieldtrip was just one way, which meant each of us were allowed to go back to Baguio on our own, Anne and I decided to visit Qevz in his slick condo. Qevz was really helpful and accommodated us to sleep for a night in his crib. But spending the night wasn’t exactly the end of our journey. Qevz had a greater idea. After resting for a few minutes, he brought us to Glorietta and Baywalk – places in Manila that Anne and I haven’t been before. Qevz treated us for a creamy milkshake in Starbucks! (which was my first and last Starbucks experience) After Glorietta, he brought us to his condo where we rested for a couple of hours. After dinner, we went for a swim in the pool located at the rooftop of the building. We had fun, fun, fun! The pleasure we had was beyond words. (Of course with Qevz around, fun was actually a given). After swimming, we went to Baywalk which was actually just some kilometers from Qevz place. We ate and watched different bands perform. 3am wasn’t exactly the end for all of us because Qevz brought us then to a KTV bar!haha.. We sang our hearts out… Anne, Qevz, and I even sang “That’s What Friends Are For” (our high-school graduation song) together! Mushy, but it was one heartwarming number we had!hehe.. At 5am, when everybody else was bound to wake up, all of us decided to end the day/night of enjoying. The experience was unforgettable and until now I smile every time I remember how completely amusing our trip has been!

March
March was fine.. end of the semester and stuff but it seemed that nothing important happened to me within this month.. this was the start of the supposed “rest months” for me.

April
2005 was also when I got my k700i phone, my dream phone back then.hehe. I bought it last april and the phone has kept up with me until today. Yeah, it was really fun having the phone because 2005 was also the year when I became a self-proclaimed text addict.. thanks to unlimited promos, I was able to catch up with some elementary and high-school friends. My texting life started to become a blast!

May
When everybody else was in the beach and enjoying the last days of summer, I was taking care of my lola who started to undergo dialysis. This was one of the saddest months of 2005. Since I was off from school, I was helping out Auntie Dada in taking care of Inang. Inang was in and out of the hospital during this month and the least thing I did for her is actually be with her in the hospital. Being in the hospital was one awakening experience for me. It was where I realized how valuable a person’s health is. I have seen sick people, rich and poor alike, succumb to their diseases. My lola was diagnosed to have a kidney dysfunction and the last hope she had was dialysis – a painful and really costly treatment that she has undergone for five months. Yeah, she was really hopeless and until now I am brought into tears every time I remember how hard she has been through because of her disease. It was a really painful experience to see a love one suffer from a disease… if only I had the power to atleast lessen her pain back then, I would have. May was a really sad month for me. My last memory of my lola was when she cried the moment I left for Baguio. I knew her tears were saying “I will surely miss you…” I knew her sobs were expressing “thank you for taking care of me and I hope to see you again…"

June
I was officially a 3rd year BA COMM student… School began to get tough as major subjects came along. Yeah,’twas hard and all that but it was still fine. I was actually expecting to fail atleast one of my subjects but God was so considerate because I didn’t! And life did get better because it was during this semester that I finally became a college scholar or dean’s lister for a better term… yeah!hehe.. It was a real shock but it actually happened! Dreams do come true... It was just saddening to realize that Inang wasn’t able to hear the news… I’m sure she'd be really proud…

July
When I started to blog! This was when I was acquainted to the art of blogging – or should I say, to the art of writing down your emotions for the world to see.hehe.. It was when I realized how self fulfilling it is to write down your feelings (angst, most of the time) using the electronic media. www.shitactuallyhappens.blogspot.com was born!

August
Nothing important… It was just another month for me.

September
Nothing important… It was just another month for me. It was when my lola’s declining days finally came.. =’(

October
October 11… how could you forget the date of losing a loved one that has been with you for the 19 years of your existence? My lola died, peacefully. I was holding her hand during the last minutes of her life… I was by her side when her breathing started to decline... and stopped completely. It was a moment of complete grief, of complete agony of losing someone really special. But it was also a moment of peace, for atleast I was certain that it was the end of her pain, no more dialysis, no more injections for her too frail skin, at least. She was buried last Oct15, her birthday… It was the day when she lived and died all the same…

November
The start of our whole family’s life after Inang. It was really a sad experience but all we did is pray for her soul. Afterall, we knew she was with God already, no need to worry. After the tears was the beginning of a new life.
Before the 2nd semester started, me and my elementary classmates had a small get-together. It was actually a swimming get-together. The reunion we had was a real blast because I was able to catch up with some elementary classmates that I haven’t seen for ages! It was really good reuniting with some old friends. (Attendance: Me, Nitz, Imee, Dianne, Dhang, Katrina, Richard, BA, Ryan, Warren, Randy and Nicolai)

December
it marked my real maturity, when I kissed teen-age years goodbye. I turned 20 last dec14. and just like anyone else, it was when I realized I should change for good. I knew I must say goodbye to being childish and atleast act and think like an adult. Yeah, being twenty was somehow overrated but I knew I should be able to move one step forward.

Cheers for a new year ahead!

survey

2005-12-20T22:03:00.000+08:00

nitz, pahiram muna ng survey..hehe.. lang magawa..actually, first time kong mag-avail ng survey. saktong madrama pa..hehe.

1. are u serious wen it comes to relationships?
aint sure.. (pwede ring suicidal..haha)

2. are you afraid of commitments?
kadramahan.. nxt question, please?

3. are u a risk taker?
nope.. im not good at taking chances. Im too chickenshit.

4. wat can u say abt. long distance relationships?
long distance relationships don’t work, most of the time. sometimes, you really have to be with each other, as in literally, for things to work out.

5. can u luv a person hu doesnt love u?
I already did.. and it hurt...

6. do actions speak louder than words?
nope… actions and words must go hand in hand. (kase sometimes actions and words alone can mislead.. so dapat, pareho, diba? Para mas feel!)

7. hav u felt/found true love?
I think I already have felt it. (…mula sa masalimuot kong karanasan, sabi ng friends ko, love nga daw yun..ewan lang…haha, walang tiwala sa mga friends..)

8. how can u say that a person luvs you?
If the person really shows it. Like, he loves you if he’s all about you. And he cant trade you for anything. (ung nirereplyan ka manlang sana nia mula sa matinong text mo sa kaniya.. ung mamamansin lang sana siya pag nagkita kayo…hahaha, bitter, nakainom ba ko?)

9. are you good in handling relationship?
n/a

10. willing to give everything?
I would have… (..pero, I know he’s not worth the try so ‘wag na lang…)

11. best thing uve learned from loving? that loving doesn’t necessarily have a happy ending. That its pure shit if its just one-way. But it’s a natural process and no matter how much you hate the guy already… there’s still this tiny part of you that cries for him. (oo, totoo yan..)

12. do u demand ur luv1 to change into someone that pleases u?
I think so… (barubal un eh...kailangan ng attitude overhauling..hehe)

13. wud u let go of some1 u love?
Yeah. I already did. I cant cling to someone who is never really into me. (kahit paano, nagiisip din naman ako… I know he’s just a phase I’m bound to get over with)

14. are u a one woman man & vice versa type of person?
cant tell. Its too soon.hehe (one-crush girl ako…)

16. how do u express ur luv to sm1?
I just let him know that I still exist. Yeah, texts have been appropriate. And by letting him know that I care. (sobrang feeling ko, naging easy ako, but it’s still okay, it nice acting completely stupid at times)

17. wat is the major reason of a break up?
I dunno. Cheating? Stealing? (bakla pala siya?hehe)

18. most important ingredient in a relationship?
shet… ang hirap naman nito... next..

19. ever regret loving someone?
sure do. Eh lalo na sa akin, he’s never really into me. So what’s next , diba?

20. one thing u hate abt love?
not being loved back… haha… (no matter how much you resist from it, it taunts you night after night)

21. one thing u like about love?
you’re sometimes put into an irrational universe… like everything else is about him. (pero in real life, ni hindi ka nga niya maalala..haha bitter nanaman)

22. worst thing u did to a love one?
loving him in the first place. (sobrang “no” “no” siya but I still pursued and I guess that was the worst thing that I did)

23. are you in love?
I was in love before…

24. with whom?
with a person who didn’t even care.. but its okay… who am I to him, anyway?

25. do u have a bf/gf?
i don't

26. why?
in a world full of too-vain-to-function people, the reason is innate

27. are you a hopeless romantic?
no matter how I resist, I guess I am.

28. do you get tired of loving?
I was never tired for seven years. But now, its finally over. I’m so done waiting. (kamusta naman diba? May isip naman ako kahit paano..=)

29. who has changed your view about loving?
myself. I do this little process called self-assessment where I really try to think as “normal” as possible

30. message to your loved one?
puta ka.. mamatay ka na!joke… Alicia Keys is damn right in telling that “what goes around comes around.” Everything comes full circle. And, have you ever heard of karma?!

One Step Forward

2005-12-12T19:50:00.000+08:00

This is probably one of my biggest accomplishments since God knows when...

Later this afternoon, it came to me that weekends here in Baguio is a lot more unbearable than in Tarlac. Since I get to go home every weekend, maybe spending a three-day weekend here to accomplish some major papers is way too much for me to handle. Yeah, I don't really dig spending weekends here because I feel like I really have to accomplish some school stuffs and I really am not the biggest fan of doing research papers. But as I've said in my previous posts - "you really have to do some things because they're given.." So here goes Czarina who finally accomplished two pages of the required 6-page Chapter 1 of her Comm199 research proposal. Yeah right, I must admit that I really suck in formal/technical writing... But there's nothing else I can do but at least try to finish this introduction that is due on friday.

So, when I woke up at 8am this morning and saw my housemates rush to school, I suddenly realized that Monday is even worse than weeekend because atleast I get to hang out with my housemates during Saturdays and Sundays. Since UP stripped down classes to four days (from Tuesday to Friday) Mondays became the most dragging day of the week for a girl who's so used to going home in Tarlac. So there, after finishing the so-called framework of my paper I decided to go to the library to gather some research materials(yeah, you read it right, I decided to go the the library). But then I changed my mind and decided to walk along Session Road alone. I went to VideoOne and rented "The Terminal". I saw its trailer a few weeks back and wanted to watch the movie since then... I dunno, but I am an illicit Tom Hanks fan.hehe.. After that, I went to this bookstore and decided to buy myself this Pilot gell pen..Yey!

I was about to go home until I passed by McDonalds that so smelled french fries and burgers. Since I had an early lunch and it was 5 in the afternoon I decided to grab some fries not realizing that I was alone. So there, I went to the farthest corner of the store and devoured my burgers and fries. Yeah, I must admit that since high-school graduation, eating out in McDonalds has become a different experience. It has become incomplete even when I'm with my new buddies... it's like watching The Notebook alone...like being alone in your room on Valentine's night...(haha..dumb examples). So, there, alone in a corner, while watching some high-school buddies eat together, my nostalgic reminiscence of high-school began. Yeah..high-school was a blast. As I remembered, I never really studied then, I just attended classes.. (classes that I felt alienated to- chemistry, trigo, not to mention calculus. ) After five minutes of watching the MTV version of my high-school life, I came back to earth and found myself there, in one corner, still alone and saw this Ronald McDonald poster glaring at me... Then it came to me that eating out alone is one huge accomplishment I've done so far. It's way greater than finishing my research paper or any major paper for that matter. Does this signal my kissing teen-age years goodbye? Back then I was never into walking alone and eating alone. I thought that doing these things alone is the saddest thing a person can do. But now, I'm finally doing it! Nah.. eating alone isnt really that sad, maybe some parts of it especially when you see some pack having a good time. But then, you go to McDonalds to eat, right? So there, I went and ate. And actually had the time of my life...=)

So, what's next? Watch a movie alone? I may not be ready yet.hehe.. But sometimes, it really feels good to actually have a good time by yourself. It's one way of maturing emotionally, I think. The feeling of finally doing things by your own. Yeah, the experience is literally lonesome but you'll get over the sad feeling little by little. And yeah, it's one great way to non-conform.. to become utterly deviant. I'm turning "twenteen" tomorrow. There are these jitters and all but I can't do a thing. I guess the more you resist from maturing the more lonely and frustrated you get. So what if for twenty years I havent even kissed or even held hands with a guy? (oops!...that's way much revealing!hehe) So what if I still get homesick and still cry over petty things? I know everything else is just a phase... One step forward and I know I'll do better.

Advance Happy 20th Birthday, Czarina!

Here are the things that I miss these days:

2005-12-04T06:01:00.000+08:00

I miss watching movies (last time I checked, I just watched “Hitch”)
I miss eating out with some old friends
I miss my text buddies (who are eventually my high school friends)
I miss writing blogs (that’s why I’m psyched doing this one)
I miss writing poetry (though I write like shit)
I miss my diary (but I’m not even sure where it is now)
I miss my old pc (all my written craps were there…)
I miss high-school (I’ve been reminiscin’ around lately)
I miss grade-school (the get together we had last sembreak was so good that it hurt..hehe)

I miss my laughs (I’ve been playing serious these days)
I miss burgers and fries (I just ate some a while ago)
I miss swimming (like, what the hell was that?! hehe...)
I miss summer (I guess, that’s what I’m trying to say)
I miss cleaning up my room (it literally is a mess lately)
I miss being a slacker (I can’t afford to limp around now)
I miss the old world (now I’m philosophizing…)
I miss falling in love (my heart has grown cold already)
I miss crying (yeah… can you believe that?)
I miss him (there are so many “hims” in my life)
I miss them (yeah...)
I miss my strong faith (I’ve grown apart from my religion these past years)
I miss my old, kind, and simple self (growing old complicates things)
I miss being naïve (like, when did I ever feel naïve?! Hehe...)

…its just that I feel like I’m growing old too fast. But this doesn’t mean I’m maturing emotionally. Nope, not at all. It’s this heavy/unbearable feeling of missing around some things. Now that school stuffs are getting into my nerves, it really feels like I’ve lost track of time. Time was free and available three years ago but now, I dunno… its spending every minute of your life doing the things that really matter… the things that you have to do because they’re given... the things that don’t necessarily make you happy. But its okay, I’m turning twenty eleven days from now, actually. ENOUGH reason to reinvent into a better person, someone sensible, and someone who actually thinks.

"it pays being bored"

2005-12-03T15:27:00.001+08:00

Arty Kid

Whether you were a drama freak or an emo poet, you definitely were expressive and unique.
You're probably a little less weird these days - but even more talented!

Who Were You In High School?

How You Life Your Life

You seem to be straight forward, but you keep a lot inside.You say whatever is on your mind. Other people's reactions don't phase you.You tend to have one best friend you hang with, as opposed to many aquaintences.You tend to dream big, but you worry that your dreams aren't attainable.

How Do You Live Your Life?

You Are 30% Weird

Not enough to scare other people...But sometimes you scare yourself.

How Weird Are You?

This Can't Be...

2005-12-03T15:27:00.000+08:00

Take'>http://www.quizgalaxy.com/quiz.php?id=41">Take this quiz at

Is This For Real?

2005-12-03T15:19:00.000+08:00

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	5.4
Mind:	5.9
Body:	7.5
Spirit:	5.4
Friends/Family:	3.8
Love:	0.8
Finance:	4.8
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

Soul Searching?

2005-11-30T13:58:00.000+08:00

Note: yeah, this is purely drama… so if you’re not in the mood to read things beyond “normal”... this blog isn’t exactly for you.

My soul has been wandering around lately. I don’t know but for nineteen years of my existence I’ve always felt lost. Whatever that means. Maybe the largest part of this form of searching belongs to these regrets that have been bugging me for a long time now. I regret not being able to be true to myself. I regret not mustering up the courage to express things. If time machines are made possible today, I would have grabbed the chance of turning back time.

I know my being lonely is predetermined, so there’s no need to go further on that. But I must say that what I’m feeling right now isn’t just the usual emptiness/sadness. It goes beyond feeling void and useless… it’s more on wanting to go back to certain times in my life that I feel like I wasn’t able to play well. I know it’s unclear. I’m blurred by it myself.

Is it because I miss childhood? Maybe. Yeah, I usually have this nostalgic feeling remember how fun my childhood was. I miss playing with my Barbies. I miss hanging out with my cousins. I miss fishing and swimming. I miss being young. But this loneliness isn’t just because of yearning for my childhood memories. It’s more profound than that. Is it missing Inang? Partly. My lola died last Oct.11. It was one painful experience seeing her run out of breath and murmur words I was not able to comprehend. For months I’ve seen her succumb to the disease that eventually led to her painful end. I was there, holding her hand, the very moment she breathed her last. But I regret that it was only during the last minutes of her life that I was able to tell her I love her. I feel upset because I was not able to tell her that she’s one of the most important persons in my life. I’ve been with her for nineteen years, but it seemed that time is too furious to allow me to say the words. She’s gone for more than a month but it feels like she’s still there…

The experience made me learn some things. Yeah, I am innately a silent person. There may be times that I blabber around, but a huge part of me lives in silence. This made me regret not being vocal about my feelings and not making the special people in my life feel special. I don’t know if I can work this out, but I really hope so.

I dunno if this yearning I have right now is what others call as soul searching. I just can’t find a sensible word to match it with. Is it composing this good song in your mind yet ending up not being able to write the words? Is it being lost in thought by some sweet memory that ends you up being bitter? But if ever you’re feeling depressed and nostalgic about certain times in your life, I guess you’re getting what I’m trying to say. My way of feeling lost is just undefined and I’m not even sure if you’ve understood even a word that I said. But I think this is a part of my soul searching activity: saying things I don’t even understand.

I just hope that this soul searching thing may lead me somewhere. Somewhere rational. Somewhere really sensible. I kind of like this anyway.hehe… (talk about being a masochist.) =p

Black Coffee and Some Void Thoughts

2005-09-23T00:25:00.000+08:00

Coffee tastes a lot bitter than the average today.
It must be because of the cold weather - the kind that brings about this vivid, yet completely dense, sense of melancholy - the kind that tends to keep you awake all night. I want to play bored but i just can't. I want to feel all giddy-up but my lost for words just rule the affair. Maybe, blame it to this recurrent disease called writer's block. My pursuit to write down anything profound is pinned down by a heavy doubt... My hungered sips engulfed my last cup of coffee, so i am supposed to die. I won't settle for beer. It's way too deviant. Tomorrow I know I'll do better. Tomorrow the rain should subside so I can write again. So to speak.

Sembreak Na!

2005-09-13T02:02:00.000+08:00

here are some of the perks on how festive october is:

First, you can forget that you actually have an academic life. You can deliberately forget about beating deadlines and cramming for long exams. You can even repress the idea that you're a college junior aiming to graduate next year. School stuffs are passe.

Second, you can pursue your long hours of slumber, which has been disturbed because of your journ107, 9am class last sem. You can sleep the hours away during daylight and be perked up to turn your nights into a mad party.

Third, you can "catch up on your reading" (haha.. now i'm singin' the song) It's true, you can continue to page 96 of Sionil Jose's Ermita or you can re-read "Girl With A Pearl Earring" and be lost in space all over again. Admit it, your 'reader ego' is tormented by the piles of reading materials required to you last sem.

Fourth, you can meet with your long lost friends, a.k.a.your high-school friends, and get wasted all night long. Meeting these pasaways is actually one divine experience during sembreak. You can catch up with each other, on "who's who" - who got pregnant, devirginized/got devirginized, snagged a boyfriend/girlfriend, gained some weight, etc.

Fifth, you can watch other tv channels than GMA , which seemed to be the only channel apparent to your housemates minds in Baguio. You can continue cursing the sluts of MTV Dimissed and fall inlove with Matt's character in Joe Schmo Show and get amused with Bob in Pinoy Big Brother.

Sixth, *wink* wink* you can stalk this guy you have been eyeing eversince (this, time i wont provide the details, some people might become too much assuming..) But its true, its the perfect time to apply for stalking jobs.

Seventh, and the most important, the icing of the cake, you can bond with your daddy, mommy, brother, and cousins 24/7. Admit it, the best thing about sembreak is being home - having this intrinsic feeling of, err, belongingness. This is the perfect time to have guitar lessons with daddy, share hilarious jokes with mommy-hear the amusing anecdotes she saved up for you, and pursue this IRAQ-US War on Terror with your five-year-old brother. (talk about being an obnoxious and evil nineteen-year-old sister that I am.)hehe..

waah!!! i'm counting the days already...

my song

2005-09-12T05:40:00.000+08:00

Smile
by Tamia

Sometimes I sit at home and wonder how it'd be
If he had loved me
Truly loved me yes
I learned a while ago that kind of thing
Never happens for me
And so I go around
And just pretend
Love is not for me
I play the circus clown around my friends
Make them laugh and they won't see
That you never let them see you sweat
Don’t want them to think the pain runs deep
Lord knows it's killing me
So I put on my make-up
Put a smile on my face
And if anyone asks me
Everything is okay
I’m laughing cause no one
Knows the joke is on me
Cause I’m dying inside
With my pride and a smile
On my face
On my face
Singing lalala...
Sometimes I sit at home
By the phone hoping he might call me
But he don't call me
But then I realize
Dreams come true aren't for girls like me
Not like me
And so I go around with my head up
Like it ain't no thing
And when the boys are out with all my friends
I’m into other things
Cause you never let them see you sweat
Don’t want them to think the pain runs deep
Lord knows it's killing me
And so I put my make up (Put it on, put it on)
Put a smile on my face (A smile on my face
And if anyone asks me (Oh, yeah
Everything is okay (Oh, I'm laughing)
I’m laughing cause no one (No one, no one)
Knows the joke is on me
But I’m dying inside
With my pride and a smile
On my face
On my face
It’s not an easy (Thing to do)
Sometimes it’s hard to (Face the truth)
It’s not the life that I would choose (That I would choose)
But what else can I do?
If he don’t love me
If he don’t want me
I’m not about to sit around
Let myself go
So I put on my make-up
Put a smile on my face (I put a smile on my face)
And if anyone asks me (everything is ok)
Everything is okay (Oh, I'm laughing)
I’m laughing cause no one (No one, no one)
Knows the joke is on me (But I'm dying inside)
Cause I’m dying inside
With my pride and a smile
On my face
On my face
Singing lalala...

Nah! I'm just feeling mushy today. Now i have to admit that i can relate to this song that much to make it my day-to-day early morning official soundtrack. I know its entirely mushy, but i just love this song in as much as i hate the fact that its lines are plain reflective of the girl that i was. Emphasis on thepast tense.

Good thing i've finally come up to my senses and realized that love just aint for me, minus the melodramatic feeling, mind you. Well, its that plain and simple to realize that there are so much things i have to do than succumb in bed and grieve for someone who is never really into me. Yeah, i wont deny the fact that i was a former lover. Back then I really thought that everyone else deserves a happy ending and so i was psyched to really search for my own. But my months of searching was cast in vain. But it's okay.Im getting over it, little by little. Its really nice that school stuffs help me get through the traumatic experince of being love struck. Yuck, i suddenly abhored the word that i used.

But, remembering the pathetic things that i did because of the shitty feeling of falling for someone is really an amusing experience, and may i just add that i don't regret a thing. I knew i appeared"easy/slut" and even played the role of an aspiring princess hoping for her prince, but its really funny to realize how crazy/assuming can a girl be because of love. Yuck again, now I've finally used the term.

But then again, I am rational enough to think that my life shouldn't end for not having a man. I guess I am normal enough to realize that life isnt all about having a hand to grasp while walking or lips to kiss inside a movie theater. Yeah, it sometimes sucks when you're feeling lonely or something, but I know everything else is just a phase - some arbitrary feeling I'm assured to get over with.

But its true that my life isnt that much giddy, isnt really that majestic as one can assume. I am honest enough to tell the world that my life sucked more than it kicked. But, Im fine with it. What's new, anyway?

This is an excerpt from an old article i wrote during high-school entitled My Loveless Life So Far.

"I'm fine of being alone, fine of living my so-called lame life. I guess I like my life that much that I wont waste it worrying about being loveless oranything. I have my friends with me. they fill the empty part of me, I believe that. Maybe, my dream guy hasn't appeared yet, or has he? I purely don't care. Whether he would appear in the scene or not, I am not holding my breath for waiting for him to appear because I love my life the way it is."

=====>>>Hahaha! You can actually imagine how hard I laughed the time I browsed through my old journal and read this particular article. It's really funny to think how much I have changed - from a coldhearted highschool slacker to a suicidal lovesick stalker...

Yeah, love is a bitch. But bitches are real, anyway.

So, to this particular fellow i'm thinking about right now, thanks for making me feel the difference between believing and assuming. But Alicia Keys is damn right to tell that "what goes around comes around". Everything comes full circle. I have suffered enough, kindly wait for your turn.haha...

Really, huh?!

2005-09-08T00:24:00.000+08:00

DISCLAIMER: this whole blog i have right here is not made to brag but to inspire. i do not intend to appear the smart ass by writing these craps because i have learned to make this blog my mirror image. i write these things for the innate reason of writing down my repressed emotions and not to brag about how many words i know or how descriptive i am about things.. i know i am not a good writer - i am still learning to be one.

*****

guess who's feeling lucky today. i rushed til the end of my wits to attend my 9am journ102 class just to find out that we have no classes. nice one! i knew i should have slept the hours away until 1pm. but its fine, actually, because i received two great compliments sufficient enough to make my day - two nice compliments that came from people i didnt expect. one's from jardine. while waiting in vain for ma'am dazzy, jardine said that she viewed my blog yesterday. i was amused. merely viewing my blog is enough to make me feel elated. she said i wrote good. (really?huh?=) and the topics that i wrote about were really interesting and that she said wished that she wrote the same way that i do. i thanked her for the compliments and told her to create her own blog. creating a blog is an immaculate experience, i suddenly realized.

the second compliment was from donna, also a classmate. it was really unlikely to receive a compliment from this girl because we arent really that close.. plus, i actually thought that she was a snob. pardom me for being too much judgemental, donna. i hope to make it up to you.hehe. so, here's the message she sent me in friendster:

Hey cza, donna here. I just happened to browse your page and i took a peep of your blog. Shet, mabuhay ka. Galing mo palang magsulat! Can't help to admire your wit! So worry not anymore, coz by now, at least a word from a co-journalist-to-be might be a good assurance that you are gonna be rich both in achievements and figures someday. And don't you call yourself ugly, coz you are not.

so during these days when i feel really withdrawn foreseeing the exams and major paperworks that i have to accomplish, i guess these simple compliments is enough to keep me going. being recognized is an elating experience but being appreciated is just too much to handle.hehe.. my feeling of low self worth decreases whenever these moments happen, which rarely occurs, actually.

im feeling lucky today. pardon me for being "mababaw" but its really great to be appreciated without even intending to please. its just amusing when you do the things that you really love to do and receive these little compliments that inspire you somehow..

So What If Im Fat?!?

2005-08-27T11:07:00.000+08:00

Here’s an anecdote:

I saw this old classmate of mine last week. This was supposed to be the greatest way to catch up with each other after a few years that we haven’t seen each other, right? Well, she looked nice, minus the overdone make-up, I guess. But, I have to admit that she looked way better than before, wearing a skimpy blouse that I wish I also had the guts to wear. I was about to ask how she was, when, after long years of not seeing each other, the first thing she blurted out was, “Czarina, ba’t kataba mo?! Anong nangyari sayo?” Yeah, nice one! I said, “Hello din!” So, instead of the giddy feeling of seeing an old classmate, my evil stepsister alter-ego came along and so, I trudged away from her without even saying goodbye.

Here’s the catch:

So what if I’m fat? So what if I am few pounds closer to being overweight? I don’t need to regret a thing, because I know that I’m happy. But what pisses me off are those people around that are plain superficial to consider the size of your waist as the overall assessment of who you are. Even you try to be nice to people and please them in any way possible, some of them are just too VAIN to function.

I hate it when people judge you by the way you look. I hate it when they tell you to lessen your carb because they say that you’re beginning to appear bloated or something. Isn’t it a person’s prerogative to do so? I believe that self-assessment is a virtue. If you look fat and you think you kind of like it, then be so! And don’t listen to people who mock you for having a waistline beyond 27 inches.

But the problem is, even if you try to ignore them, the things that people say just affect you somehow. Maybe blame that to our subconscious. I know it’s entirely pathetic to share this with the world but because of these superficial people, I’ve been contemplating with the feeling of low self-worth. I know I shouldn’t have to, but I just cant help it when people see the way I appear – a fat and ugly girl who looked too withdrawn to be interesting.

I know there’s this thing called aesthetics, but I guess the way we see beauty is relative. Yeah, right… I guess I have to explain that to people who knew nothing but judge you by the way you dress up or the way you comb your hair – a tough job, that is. So, please... have mercy. I know I’m fat. I know my face is bloated and my waistline is, ehem, beyond. But people don’t have to tell it in front of my face. Yeah, when the leap of fate would surface, I’d do something to lessen my excesses. So can you please do me a favor? Stay out of it. (haha..bitter ba masyado?)
Nakakainis kasi eh, sobra!

Cynical Dream

2005-08-12T14:09:00.000+08:00

Yep. It’s true. I gave up my cynical dream. Right after I planted my feet at UP Baguio, I knew my dream of searching for greener pastures would be cast in vain. Right from the very moment that I took up my communication subjects, I knew that driving my own Ford and walking past Beverly Hills or Orange County would remain as a far-out reverie. I knew right then that my future wouldn't be majestic.

It was during high school that my mind has been corrupted by the notion that success means earning big. Yeah, who wouldn’t want that? And so, like everybody else whose minds are too vain to function, I also wanted to be rich. And it has been a fact that the easiest to achieve that was taking up the course of all college courses – nursing! So, even though I have the least interest in taking care of people and merely seeing a gushing blood makes me want to faint, I instructed myself of wanting to become a nurse.

Yep, I wanted to pursue nursing because I wanted to earn big. I didn’t want it for the intrinsic reason of helping people, because I didn’t want to be hypocrite after all. I was cynical, didn’t I tell you? All I wanted is to go abroad, be paid $60 every hour by merely touching sick people. Yeah, and so I thought that leap of fate wouldn’t be possible.

But here I am now, busily editing a news article that is due to tomorrow. I know doing it sucks but I really don’t want to deprive myself from my true passion. Even though nocturnal melodies to me means the constant clattering of my pc’s keyboard because of a major paper on the go, and even though my nightly chum is my ever reliable obsolete (Pentium III) pc, I guess, I still want to pursue writing. And I just can't bear the thought of doing something else in life than write.

So, where’s my conceited alter-ego of wanting to become filthy rich have gone? I’m not sure, actually. It’s just that my cynical dream has vanished completely. Maybe, at some point, UP has taught me a lot of things. The school taught me that success doesn’t necessarily mean counting piles of money. Pardon me of being an academic geek, but I remember a journalism teacher that said that the measure of success is pursuing your passion and ending up satisfied about it – fame and fortune are just a quarter of the deal.

Time has been that furious that I just found myself attending junior journalism classes. Even though most people believe that journalism are just for college slackers who couldn’t have a life, the subjects are still for people who would rather disseminate issues about social realities than memorize the anatomical structure of a human’s dick.haha…

I was at first vulnerable when people tell me that the course I’m taking up would lead me nowhere. Back then, I was hurtful when people believe that the best job I would eventually land into would be a mediocre call center agent or an underpaid news writer. But, the hell with those people! Because I have learned to love what I’m doing. So what if I wouldn’t be as rich as an irrational nurse? So what if my wallet wouldn’t be a thick as the wallet of a corrupt accountant? Atleast, I still have a life…

I don’t care if you would disagree if I say that a person’s need to be rich is due to his/her obvious insecurity. I don’t care if you would mock me when I say that money is worthless if what you’re doing doesn’t coincide with your passion. And, I wouldn’t regret if you give me a pained stare if I say that searching for greener pastures at all cost is an act of cynicism.

It’s really a great experience of finally coming up to my senses and breaking away from an imperialistic old self. Even though UP has been regarded as the breeding ground of activism and radicalism, being it’s student is still a divine experience, and I guess “other” schools requiring around P40 thousand tuition fee wouldn’t beat that.

Ten years from now, maybe I would actually become a withdrawn and underpaid writer, just like what everybody else expect of me. A few years from now, maybe my classmates in highschool would be driving their own Fords, while I would still be pursuing a small space to sit to in a passenger jeepney. But believe me, being equipped with all the ideas that I’ve learn, I would still smile. It’s still worth giving up a cynical dream afterall. =)

umuulan na naman?!?!

2005-07-22T03:40:00.000+08:00

do rains elicit sadness? kase pansin ko lang tuwing umuulan nalulungkot ako.. i mean, wla naman talagang reason pero i really feel so down inside.. siguro dahil wala akong sandals na pang-ulan.. siguro dahil mababasa nanaman pantalon ko.. siguro dahil prone ako na mapadulas pag gantong umuulan.. basta everytime na foggy dito sa baguio gusto kong malungkot.hehe.. lalo na ngayon dami pang exams.. panibagong singko at tres nanaman ba ito? grabe, kakatamad pumasok.. umuulan kase eh.. sarap tumambay sa bahay, kumain ng burger and fries, panoorin ang my sassy girl for the nth time.. makinig sa hale, pantasyahin ung lead vocalist nila! grabe dami dapat gawin kesa magreview for journ107,comm140, at comm150!

tapos, i pag ganitong umuulan, sobrang dami ko namimiss.. high-school life in particular. di na kase ako nagpaparamdam sa mga high-school friends ko eh.. i still feel bitter about them.. pro promise, next kitakitz baka sumama na ulet ako.. baka lang.. tapos, miss ko rin paniqui.. kase pag andun ako, feeling ko ang saya ng mundo. kase naman wala ako ginawa kundi lumamon, matulog, at panoorin ang pearl harbor, un lang kase meron ako eh.. feeling ko nga memorize ko na mga lines ni josh hartnett. pero pinaka-miss ko right now ung mga pinsan ko.. it was only last week na realize ko na nagdisappear na silang lahat!hehe.. miss ko na ung mga times na kasama ko sila, ung tipong tawanan na kala mo wala nang bukas!hehe.. miss ko na kayo ate noreen, japheth, kuya alvin, arnie! kala nio lang wala sa kin un pero there are nights na sobrnang sad ako kase di ko na kayo kasama..huhu.

ayan po, gusto ko na namang madrama.. pakshet!hehe.. hobby ko na nga ata eh. daig ko pa si nura. yan siguro talaga ang effects ng ulan. imagine, from drops of rain, merong tatamarin ka nang pumasok.. merong gusto mong may ma-miss..at kung anik-anik pa.hehe. pero in need na talaga kong pumasok, bc103 pa man din.. kahit feeling ko wla ako maabsorb sa subject na to..kailangan ako pumasa! o cia, pasok muna ko.. kaso, pano to wala akong payong! help!

wish ko lang....

2005-07-17T19:28:00.000+08:00

You are the girl who likes the dream world. You
are the dreamy girl who is usually in her own
world. You don't like this one so you make
your own. It's your way to get free of
everything.

What Kind Of Girl Are You?
brought to you by

Your Meantime-Girl Next Door*

2005-07-11T16:38:00.000+08:00

I know I am nothing but a meantime girl.
No, please don’t get me wrong because being a meantime girl doesn’t necessarily mean that I’d go for sex with a stranger or flirt with someone I just met at a bar. It’s really sad to know that the notion of a meantime girl always falls under the overrated category of being a slut. No, I am not a slut…But I am too much inlove that sometimes, I’d do anything just to make him happy. Even though I know right from the start that he wouldn’t care for me more than just his friend, I’d still find delight to text him sweet nothings and let him know that I care. He only remembers me whenever he needs something and he only cares when he’s too damn bored to be alone. But then, no matter how preoccupied I am and no matter how many long exams I have the next day, I’d always leave it all behind just to be his company. I’d always play the role of tinkerbell and fulfill his wishes – any of it. So, you do think that’s worse than having sex with a complete stranger, don’t you?

Well, I guess that would always be who I am to him – his meantime girl whom he’d cling to whenever his friends are out and whenever he’s had this petty fight with his gorgeous girlfriend. More often than not, I’d do the first move of texting him. I’d rope in my caught up emotions with my words of regards. And yeah, he’d sometimes reply just in case he feels drag or anything. And whenever his name would pop up at the screen of my phone, it’s as if I’ve actually had a real smooch with Josh Hartnett. Just a mere forwarded message he sent would mean a dreamy night for me – a slumber full of hopes and wishes that he may, in one way, notice me as being more than his buddy.

All these years, I’ve always waited for him to notice me and for his past feelings for me to come back. But all these years of waiting are cast in vain. Yeah, right! I know it’s completely pathetic to share it but i almost had him before. But because of my complete absurdity, I ignored him because I thought he was just fooling around. I was entirely stupid back then to let him slip away and until now all these regrets taunt me each night. Maybe he was really just fooling around but I shouldn’t have cared less about it, should I? I knew I should have grabbed my chance.

And now, well I guess, he might have come to his senses and realized that he shouldn’t have liked an ugly girl in the first place. Ugly girls are intended to be played around and to be the ones to cling to only when boredom occurs. Ugly girls are meantime girls in disguise. They are the ones whom men stick to when asking a major favor whom they’d gladly fulfill. They are the ones whom men text to whenever they felt alone and they couldn’t count on to somebody else. They always make men happy by adhering to these men’s demands. Meantime girls are the you-can-always-count-on-me types and I-am-always-here-for-you sorts of girls whose hearts were always tormented by unfulfilled wishes. They have simple wishes. They have simple dreams. All they want is for their man to notice them and for their dream guy to realize that they’re more than a bunch of undeserving girls fulfilling their demands. All they want is to be loved and to be considered just as special as they consider their man. But sadly, all their wants are mere wishful thinking. Believe me on how I depict the real score about these poor girls. I know how sad they feel. I know just as much as how their unrequited love strain them night after night. I know how succumbed they suffer. I am nothing but a meantime girl, remember?

But sometimes, meantime girls also get exhausted of being treated as one-of-the-girls. At times, I also get tired on how ordinary he considers me and on how cold he behaves whenever I attempt to be sweet to him. I know, deep inside that he knows about my feelings for him. I know that he’s aware that I’d do anything just to please him. But then he struggles to ignore it because he believes that I am not worthy of him. But then, he can’t just throw me away because he needs me, somehow. Without me, there wouldn’t be the girl who’d do his favors, who’d answer his questions, and who’d always be there for him. Without me, there wouldn’t be the pathetic girl who’d leave her busy life behind just to share his hours of dreariness. Without his meantime girl, there wouldn’t be any girl who could stand his tantrums and swallow his drawbacks. Tiring, isn’t it? Meantime girls also know how to weep over their solitude. Just in case men don’t know, we also learn how to get tired and upset – just that we don’t have the right to show it.

The only problem about us is that we love too much that we intend to forget ourselves for that matter. We do every possible thing – we would pretend to be Mandy Moore and sing “Cry” in front of his friends or we would snort marijuana just in case doing so would make him laugh – all these things we’d do, no matter how humiliating and how self-degrading it may appear, just to make our men happy and glad. We struggle to appear the smart-ass by giving in to their advances yet we are the losers in their game of nonchalance all along. We preoccupy ourselves in earning the hypothetical yet acclaimed “ganda points” that in the process make us look/feel more ugly. We strain to be noticed… but still, they never give a damn!

Yet, despite of our obvious stupidity of humming in to Mandy Moore’s song and our virtual idiosyncrasy of puffing weed, we are still too much inlove. We have become hopeless romantics on our own that no matter how much hot tears are drained from us each night, we still see the sparks fluttering whenever we see our men’s faces. These sparks glimmer in the air as if the whole world is surrounded by silvermoon spotlights. These sparks are actual reminders on how far we’d go completely dense just for them.

And now, I am left with false hope that I still struggle to pursue. I am a meantime girl and I guess that will remain until my guy realizes my real worth – that is, if he actually has the capacity to see me beyond being the I’m-always-here-for-you girl. I know this sounds irrational but I do believe that everyone deserves a happy ending. I believe that if only I am good enough, he’d eventually be my Romeo. So, despite of people yelling at my back that I’m the stupidest person in the world and despite of my own friends pleading that my man doesn’t deserve a bit of me, I still have this flicker of hope that someday, somehow, I’ll eventually sweep him off his feet. I can wait… even if it takes for ages.

*the concept of this essay was inspired by an email entitled "Meantime Girl"

"i had a bad day, yeah.."

2005-07-10T11:37:00.000+08:00

im unusually sad today... i woke up past nine in the morning and i suddenly sensed some undefined sadness that i contained even during my sleep. im not sure what exactly am i sad about.. i just feel plain empty not to mention the recurrent headache i usually have every morning. i dont know but there are really days when everything else appears gloomy to me that makes me feel empty inside. maybe, because i have a long list of assignments that i have to accomplish by the end of the day and i havent even started it yet. maybe because i wasnt able to go back to paniqui.. school sucks bigtime! and since i am now in my junior year in college, you can actually imagine how preoccupied i am with school stuffs. i am innately lazy so i really find it hard to work hard in school! i am accustomed to cramming for exams and doing my papers a few hours before its due time. am i being delinquent? i hope not.. cuz mommy would kill me!hehe.. so, whatever it is i am sad about, i am certain to blur it away as soon as possible.. i have so much to do and here i am retelling my unending story about how this day stink. maybe it really does..but would i care? i guess not.

intro

2005-06-23T17:03:00.000+08:00

hey... i just got started with my new blog and suddenly realized that i am too lost in thought to even write anything profound. well, what's wrong with me? i mean, i usually get psyched to do writing stuffs but now... i don't know. i just can't, so i guess its safe to say goodbye for now. next time,i know i'll come back with a thing or two to tell you. ciao!