Cynical Dream

Yep. It’s true. I gave up my cynical dream. Right after I planted my feet at UP Baguio, I knew my dream of searching for greener pastures would be cast in vain. Right from the very moment that I took up my communication subjects, I knew that driving my own Ford and walking past Beverly Hills or Orange County would remain as a far-out reverie. I knew right then that my future wouldn't be majestic.

It was during high school that my mind has been corrupted by the notion that success means earning big. Yeah, who wouldn’t want that? And so, like everybody else whose minds are too vain to function, I also wanted to be rich. And it has been a fact that the easiest to achieve that was taking up the course of all college courses – nursing! So, even though I have the least interest in taking care of people and merely seeing a gushing blood makes me want to faint, I instructed myself of wanting to become a nurse.

Yep, I wanted to pursue nursing because I wanted to earn big. I didn’t want it for the intrinsic reason of helping people, because I didn’t want to be hypocrite after all. I was cynical, didn’t I tell you? All I wanted is to go abroad, be paid $60 every hour by merely touching sick people. Yeah, and so I thought that leap of fate wouldn’t be possible.

But here I am now, busily editing a news article that is due to tomorrow. I know doing it sucks but I really don’t want to deprive myself from my true passion. Even though nocturnal melodies to me means the constant clattering of my pc’s keyboard because of a major paper on the go, and even though my nightly chum is my ever reliable obsolete (Pentium III) pc, I guess, I still want to pursue writing. And I just can't bear the thought of doing something else in life than write.

So, where’s my conceited alter-ego of wanting to become filthy rich have gone? I’m not sure, actually. It’s just that my cynical dream has vanished completely. Maybe, at some point, UP has taught me a lot of things. The school taught me that success doesn’t necessarily mean counting piles of money. Pardon me of being an academic geek, but I remember a journalism teacher that said that the measure of success is pursuing your passion and ending up satisfied about it – fame and fortune are just a quarter of the deal.

Time has been that furious that I just found myself attending junior journalism classes. Even though most people believe that journalism are just for college slackers who couldn’t have a life, the subjects are still for people who would rather disseminate issues about social realities than memorize the anatomical structure of a human’s dick.haha…

I was at first vulnerable when people tell me that the course I’m taking up would lead me nowhere. Back then, I was hurtful when people believe that the best job I would eventually land into would be a mediocre call center agent or an underpaid news writer. But, the hell with those people! Because I have learned to love what I’m doing. So what if I wouldn’t be as rich as an irrational nurse? So what if my wallet wouldn’t be a thick as the wallet of a corrupt accountant? Atleast, I still have a life…

I don’t care if you would disagree if I say that a person’s need to be rich is due to his/her obvious insecurity. I don’t care if you would mock me when I say that money is worthless if what you’re doing doesn’t coincide with your passion. And, I wouldn’t regret if you give me a pained stare if I say that searching for greener pastures at all cost is an act of cynicism.

It’s really a great experience of finally coming up to my senses and breaking away from an imperialistic old self. Even though UP has been regarded as the breeding ground of activism and radicalism, being it’s student is still a divine experience, and I guess “other” schools requiring around P40 thousand tuition fee wouldn’t beat that.

Ten years from now, maybe I would actually become a withdrawn and underpaid writer, just like what everybody else expect of me. A few years from now, maybe my classmates in highschool would be driving their own Fords, while I would still be pursuing a small space to sit to in a passenger jeepney. But believe me, being equipped with all the ideas that I’ve learn, I would still smile. It’s still worth giving up a cynical dream afterall. =)