my song

Smile
by Tamia

Sometimes I sit at home and wonder how it'd be
If he had loved me
Truly loved me yes
I learned a while ago that kind of thing
Never happens for me
And so I go around
And just pretend
Love is not for me
I play the circus clown around my friends
Make them laugh and they won't see
That you never let them see you sweat
Don’t want them to think the pain runs deep
Lord knows it's killing me
So I put on my make-up
Put a smile on my face
And if anyone asks me
Everything is okay
I’m laughing cause no one
Knows the joke is on me
Cause I’m dying inside
With my pride and a smile
On my face
On my face
Singing lalala...
Sometimes I sit at home
By the phone hoping he might call me
But he don't call me
But then I realize
Dreams come true aren't for girls like me
Not like me
And so I go around with my head up
Like it ain't no thing
And when the boys are out with all my friends
I’m into other things
Cause you never let them see you sweat
Don’t want them to think the pain runs deep
Lord knows it's killing me
And so I put my make up (Put it on, put it on)
Put a smile on my face (A smile on my face
And if anyone asks me (Oh, yeah
Everything is okay (Oh, I'm laughing)
I’m laughing cause no one (No one, no one)
Knows the joke is on me
But I’m dying inside
With my pride and a smile
On my face
On my face
It’s not an easy (Thing to do)
Sometimes it’s hard to (Face the truth)
It’s not the life that I would choose (That I would choose)
But what else can I do?
If he don’t love me
If he don’t want me
I’m not about to sit around
Let myself go
So I put on my make-up
Put a smile on my face (I put a smile on my face)
And if anyone asks me (everything is ok)
Everything is okay (Oh, I'm laughing)
I’m laughing cause no one (No one, no one)
Knows the joke is on me (But I'm dying inside)
Cause I’m dying inside
With my pride and a smile
On my face
On my face
Singing lalala...

Nah! I'm just feeling mushy today. Now i have to admit that i can relate to this song that much to make it my day-to-day early morning official soundtrack. I know its entirely mushy, but i just love this song in as much as i hate the fact that its lines are plain reflective of the girl that i was. Emphasis on thepast tense.

Good thing i've finally come up to my senses and realized that love just aint for me, minus the melodramatic feeling, mind you. Well, its that plain and simple to realize that there are so much things i have to do than succumb in bed and grieve for someone who is never really into me. Yeah, i wont deny the fact that i was a former lover. Back then I really thought that everyone else deserves a happy ending and so i was psyched to really search for my own. But my months of searching was cast in vain. But it's okay.Im getting over it, little by little. Its really nice that school stuffs help me get through the traumatic experince of being love struck. Yuck, i suddenly abhored the word that i used.

But, remembering the pathetic things that i did because of the shitty feeling of falling for someone is really an amusing experience, and may i just add that i don't regret a thing. I knew i appeared"easy/slut" and even played the role of an aspiring princess hoping for her prince, but its really funny to realize how crazy/assuming can a girl be because of love. Yuck again, now I've finally used the term.

But then again, I am rational enough to think that my life shouldn't end for not having a man. I guess I am normal enough to realize that life isnt all about having a hand to grasp while walking or lips to kiss inside a movie theater. Yeah, it sometimes sucks when you're feeling lonely or something, but I know everything else is just a phase - some arbitrary feeling I'm assured to get over with.

But its true that my life isnt that much giddy, isnt really that majestic as one can assume. I am honest enough to tell the world that my life sucked more than it kicked. But, Im fine with it. What's new, anyway?

This is an excerpt from an old article i wrote during high-school entitled My Loveless Life So Far.

"I'm fine of being alone, fine of living my so-called lame life. I guess I like my life that much that I wont waste it worrying about being loveless oranything. I have my friends with me. they fill the empty part of me, I believe that. Maybe, my dream guy hasn't appeared yet, or has he? I purely don't care. Whether he would appear in the scene or not, I am not holding my breath for waiting for him to appear because I love my life the way it is."

=====>>>Hahaha! You can actually imagine how hard I laughed the time I browsed through my old journal and read this particular article. It's really funny to think how much I have changed - from a coldhearted highschool slacker to a suicidal lovesick stalker...

Yeah, love is a bitch. But bitches are real, anyway.

So, to this particular fellow i'm thinking about right now, thanks for making me feel the difference between believing and assuming. But Alicia Keys is damn right to tell that "what goes around comes around". Everything comes full circle. I have suffered enough, kindly wait for your turn.haha...