l.o.v.e. e.n.t.r.y.

I know that I shouldn’t be writing about this because every other person within the approximate distance knows about it already. Every single detail has been told about this bitter, tragic, pointless, and now lost love story. I’m sorry and I am promising that this would be one of the final chapters, if not the last.

I actually thought that I can easily manipulate everything that I do and that I can push to believe in anything that I am supposed to believe in. I forced myself to trust that having my mind set, and pursuing a planned a state of mind, will eventually make me normal. For a time, I was victorious in trying to be sufficient for myself believing that I need no one to be happy. But there are just some things that I can never deny and that there are some moments that I have no left resort but to give in and let the stupid side of me win once more.

Seeing him is hard enough, but realizing that there’s still something with me is a little harder (especially when I actually thought that I have forgotten some things already). Time and again, I fell short with my so-called defenses. I was caught off guard. Seeing a special person should have been the greatest feeling ever but it was irresistibly painful when I looked at him and actually know that he’s gone for good; and that I could never bring back everything to the way it was. Recently, I have seen for myself that the past should remain as it is now, and that I should now begin to look ahead. And with that, I am planning to redo my act of giving up… Sad as it is, but this is the nth time of my bitter surrender. And I hope it will work this time. I am keeping my fingers crossed.

I was partially happy to see him around and was particularly occupied with the experience of reliving the past. It was fun to actually look back and try to revive the irrational, impulsive, and happy side of who we were. But amidst the fun and the tell-tale of us as grown-ups, I was sorry. And may I just say that the sorriest part is that the whole act of reliving made me learn that the past will never come back. And that, by now, I should actually start to get a life. This may be my goodbye. And I hope to keep my word this time. I promise to save myself from having my heart suffer an pained throb again… it was wrong enough to assume something and I wouldn’t want to have my heart trapped again. Not again, please.

Being the negative and pessimistic girl that I am, irony tells it that I am a strong believer of happy endings. And with that I am really wishing to find my own, and this time finding my happiness should not involve clinging to the past and embracing the coldness of an absence. I have learned that I will never find a relatively happy ending if I count on to something that's gone already. "That would be useless and disappointing", just as a certain movie line tells it. This is not the masochist me speaking, but the girl who finally, through an eventful process, is learning to give up, happily. It is sad to realize that time is furious and changes has gotten to everyone already. But this just made me learn that I might as well avail these changes, and that I should forget about romanticizing the past and clinging to a dusty romance. The problem about me lies with the fact that I have been so involved with the past that I seemed to overlook the life that I have now. Sure thing I love the life that I have at present and I am especially grateful with the people and the things that add up to a relatively complete life that I Have at the moment. But sometimes, I just can’t help but look back and wish for something to reappear. Happy endings occur, I have no other choice but to believe that I haven’t lost yet.

Twenty years of living made me learn a little bit of myself and I am proud to say that I am a person who never seem to finish anything.. Haha. I tend to refuse seizing the day, and I seem to never get over a good book. I am never a fan of closing chapters and moving on. The list goes on as I try to put into words my pathetic idea of living the past. But then, having the reality slap me once more, I know that I must have a change of phase and redirect a seemingly disoriented fate. I have liked/loved a person and for the first time in my life, I am not really ashamed of it. I bet the title of this entry is enough reason to prove my nerve to reveal something utterly stupid. Haha.

As I’ve told for the nth time, this may be my final chapter and I am promising this time to live with my word. I have actually gotten a life, I am proud enough to say it. Its just that sometimes, seeing something from the past is like being re-haunted by a former ghost that I thought I have forgotten already. What I am having right now, I guess, is a form of spotting. Haha. That after such reoccurrence of a dormant throb, acceptance comes next. I will really buy a life without ghosts and past reoccurrences. Now, may I just say that I’m ready and that I am happily married with the idea of giving up. =)





*ang blog na ito ay inspired ng mga mura na inabot ko sa aking mga mabubuting friends nung nagkwento ako sa kanila about it. haha. thank you. asan na ang helmet? nawawala na nga ata! haha.