when it can only be one of two things...

i am at this point where i'm torn between the idea of who i want to become and who i need to be. i am just too caught between passion and money. such ideas that were too far out when i was still in school, where everything else was a walk in the park. now, i am walking into the dark and bumpy road of self-discovery that one decision will lead to both victory and despair. victory to the one i'm choosing and complete despair to the other that will just be left and dragged into thin air.

i cant decide yet, because my mind isn't an expert on profound decisions. i'm not honed to identifying that one magic click when you're positive that you made the right choice. i always adhere to trial and error. and as always, with the misadventure that is my life, anyone can be sure that i've always erred in my decisions and have struggled to lead a life solving the labyrinth of my former mistakes.

and i cant bear to err this time. because this may be my only shot. i cant let go of this opportunity that presented itself so tempting and unadulterated. i want to be right for the first time. i want to correct the mistakes i am committing almost every other day. you cant have it all, that i know for sure. but now that i have nothing yet, i want to have something that can compensate the years that were cast in vain. i need substance because my brain has been paralyzed by routine. i need to follow my heart and my dreams that were left fooling around elsewhere because of my plain indifference and lack of drive to pursue. but i also need money, the one thing that keeps everything else going. that one thing that whether i deny it or not, cannot be overstated.

money is necessary but so are my dreams. i need to eat but i also need to really live. hell, i just don't know what to do. my mind isn't functioning correctly. i need to sleep and in my dreams, i will try to decide. i will try to calculate if money can buy the joy of doing what you love. and will also rationalize if passion can lead you to forgetting what you plan for your family, what you want to have in your portfolio.

it can only be one of two things. always as it is. and despite myself, something has to be done.