Soul Searching?

Note: yeah, this is purely drama… so if you’re not in the mood to read things beyond “normal”... this blog isn’t exactly for you.

My soul has been wandering around lately. I don’t know but for nineteen years of my existence I’ve always felt lost. Whatever that means. Maybe the largest part of this form of searching belongs to these regrets that have been bugging me for a long time now. I regret not being able to be true to myself. I regret not mustering up the courage to express things. If time machines are made possible today, I would have grabbed the chance of turning back time.

I know my being lonely is predetermined, so there’s no need to go further on that. But I must say that what I’m feeling right now isn’t just the usual emptiness/sadness. It goes beyond feeling void and useless… it’s more on wanting to go back to certain times in my life that I feel like I wasn’t able to play well. I know it’s unclear. I’m blurred by it myself.

Is it because I miss childhood? Maybe. Yeah, I usually have this nostalgic feeling remember how fun my childhood was. I miss playing with my Barbies. I miss hanging out with my cousins. I miss fishing and swimming. I miss being young. But this loneliness isn’t just because of yearning for my childhood memories. It’s more profound than that. Is it missing Inang? Partly. My lola died last Oct.11. It was one painful experience seeing her run out of breath and murmur words I was not able to comprehend. For months I’ve seen her succumb to the disease that eventually led to her painful end. I was there, holding her hand, the very moment she breathed her last. But I regret that it was only during the last minutes of her life that I was able to tell her I love her. I feel upset because I was not able to tell her that she’s one of the most important persons in my life. I’ve been with her for nineteen years, but it seemed that time is too furious to allow me to say the words. She’s gone for more than a month but it feels like she’s still there…

The experience made me learn some things. Yeah, I am innately a silent person. There may be times that I blabber around, but a huge part of me lives in silence. This made me regret not being vocal about my feelings and not making the special people in my life feel special. I don’t know if I can work this out, but I really hope so.

I dunno if this yearning I have right now is what others call as soul searching. I just can’t find a sensible word to match it with. Is it composing this good song in your mind yet ending up not being able to write the words? Is it being lost in thought by some sweet memory that ends you up being bitter? But if ever you’re feeling depressed and nostalgic about certain times in your life, I guess you’re getting what I’m trying to say. My way of feeling lost is just undefined and I’m not even sure if you’ve understood even a word that I said. But I think this is a part of my soul searching activity: saying things I don’t even understand.

I just hope that this soul searching thing may lead me somewhere. Somewhere rational. Somewhere really sensible. I kind of like this anyway.hehe… (talk about being a masochist.) =p