goodbye and hello!

new year has already started and i haven't had the chance to bid 2009 goodbye and welcome 2010 with arms wide open. maybe because i didn't have the time. not that time, time. but the kind of time when a person begins to feel this urge to write. that kind is the one that i am lacking these days - the urge to put into written words who i am. words has become elusive and most of the time, i am caught in between them..

there may be a variety of reasons for this lazy writing hand. maybe, because work has swallowed me whole that i even failed to peek at the last sunset of the year. maybe because i'd rather sleep on days-off than mourn over something that doesn't exist, and will never exist. so to speak. i am getting lazy by the day and i know from a fact that it is unhealthy. like smoking with an empty stomach. or smoking, per se.

but, hey, happy 2010, everyone! nothing's too late, i think. everyone can undo, edit, and erase their new year's resolution everyday, right? in my case, i've been having birthday resolutions over the years and a large portion of them are cast in vain. funny, but i still do it every year. even if these resolutions are mere wishful thinking, i still love planning for the future. it's the thrill-of-feeling-like-you're-in-control-just-to-find-these-plans-collide-before-your-eyes-kind of thing but it keeps me excited, somehow. weird. i always get psyched to write something hopeful every year. and when these things fall apart, as they always do, i just laugh at them. because, hell, its funny, and it's genuinely me! haha... and sure, there's always another year to ruin, anyway. :)

fyi, i have three planners for 2010. and so far, the only thing i had in one of those was a doodle of a smiley face. its not even a smiley face, i dunno but it falls under the threshold of a smile and a pout. but i promise to write things in them sometime.

i hate to love and love to hate 2010 for many reasons. maybe, it will be a love-hate relationship between me and this year. because, i've already proclaimed 2010 as the year of initiatives, and so far, i've only had some few lousy tries on this pursuit. for work, of course, being with PCS entails a lot of hardwork since the people that i am with these days are downright competitive. see? i hate competition but when you start noticing how kiss-ass this other person is (for example...haha), you're compelled to show them what you've got. trust me, i hate to compete, but i just don't hold a chance not to. I am no longer with team phoenix, i am no longer taking in calls, but no matter how much i loathed this set-up before, TL erik was right, that i should be dragged out of my comfort zone, for once. So this 2010, i'll try to love the PCS team. Honest! :)

...well, just a heads up on the work category, i'm not really sure. maybe a change of career is at hand. maybe. who knows? searching for greener pasture is never out of the picture. i still want to work abroad. and earn money. i still want to build my dream home. like everyone else. if i can't write, then, atleast in my lifetime, i can build my own house. these are all faint images of the future, but atleast i still hope.

and lets talk about that thing. yes, that thing, you knaw. haha. because, as i look at my previous posts, even my writing life after 2007 was still primarily dominated by matters of the heart. i remembered promising myself that after my year long sabbatical in 2007, it won't involve him anymore. for the most part, i was correct. because 2009 was the year to remember. it was the year when i finally moved on... to another longing, hopping from an old frog to a new and younger frog. haha. i never really thought that i could muster up the will to forget. it wasn't really intentional. it just happened! and of course, i can't be happier. he's no longer making me sad... he's no longer making me wish to turn back time and make things better. 2009 was the year when i finally understood that remembering the things that did and didn't happen were the most futile and unproductive things i've done in my life. and it should end, end eventually, it did!

...however, it wasn't entirely a happy ending. because 2009 was the year when i started to like someone new, and now that i am not yet liking someone newer in 2010, i am still stuck in 2009. that's how the vicious cycle goes, right? i still care for this newer guy, or as i call him my "current flame"; but proximity is no longer on my side, and i just cant allow myself to step forward to other ways to communicate. and technically, its no longer current because time and again, i've already tried countless pursuits to get him out of my system. but he still lingers, defining the moment no matter how much i loathe the idea. haha. but i hope him well. i know its an unadulterated "NO" for us, but its okay, it has to be okay. :)

2010 is the year of the initiatives, right? So, me and my best friend are in cahoots on making happy things happen for us. i am already on my 24th year and i am yet to find that one person to make all the years of waiting be worth it. i've written so many unsent love letters with blank headings because i intend to give it to someone someday. haha. there goes my pathetic secret. yes, i have written a couple of unsent letters. this is a hopeless-romantic and ways-of-the-oldmaids kind of thing, but i still do it. not just because it what keeps me going but also because i believe that sometimes, words are all you've got, because you can no longer trust on your actions. just to be clear, i am no longer promising that 2010 is a love year for me, i won't hold my hopes that high. because i no longer want to be slumped into something so deep and penetrating. a slight bump is tolerable, though :)

i will take a chance on love, time and again. the fact that i've forgotten my old flame makes me understand that everything is possible. but i will take it easy, because all i want is the thrill of the present (without going overboard, of course) i want to prove to myself that "smitten" "butterflies in my stomach" "7TH heaven" and "cloud 9" aren't just my favorite words and phrases. i want them to come to life, for me! (this is getting more and more mushy so i will now stop...thank you. haha)

happy 2010!

this is going to be my life at 24.
2009 was an odd but amusing year.
i hope this year, things will get a little even for me.
like cosmic proportions, perhaps?