erased and mocked up

this may appear to be completely irrelevant and may sound downright pathetic but i do feel stunned by the fact that a person can find the nerve to let you know, in your face, that you just don't matter anymore. i cant tell for sure how to feel about it and i just cant find a way to rationalize an action that is deliberate and final. it's quite hard for me to decide whether to react furiously or play indifferent about an issue that has already become a thing of the past.

how would you feel if you got erased?

how would you accept the fact that you no longer have the minutest degree of connection?

how would you feel when you finally get what you said you wanted?

that empty space. that moving forward scheme that you said you wanted.

don't worry, these are just rhetorical questions because i cant play dumb anymore to pretend that i don't know the answers. the truth is, i have always known the answers, but i was either too chickenshit or too pathetic to even accept this hardcore reality. these answers have always been there since day one, since the brink of that luckless dream, since the heyday of my ill-fated pursuit.


yes, i must admit that i'm a little upset about the whole thing and no matter how hard i try to play with my emotions, it always gets back to that nostalgic feeling about the days gone by, which were spent on caught up emotions and mixed signals that became nothing but blur. the idea may be completely childish, but even my mind-over-matter pursuit isnt working too well to make me feel good that everything is happening according to plans.

my friends told me that i should, in some ways, feel victorious because finally, someone got affected, that being erased just means that someone finally thought that i crossed the line and decided to respond to my year-long idiosyncrasies. after all these months of angsty writings and melancholic affairs, someone realized what should be done. what's just bothering me is the reason why this incident took place the year after. why would there be a need to defer a response you could have shown in the beginning? why now? another rhetorical question.

i will be turning 23 two months from now but it still appears that i have the cognitive and emotional processes of a five year old kid who's not yet accustomed to the difference between real and surreal, who still struggles to stand on her own, who stumbles when she thinks and walks. when will i finally grow up is just a question that i may not be able to answer at the moment.

i finally got erased. i finally got my fix. and i should be cool with it if not overjoyed. not that any of all these still matters.