recurrent stupidity

i dreamed about you again.
and i've never hated you more than now.
i hate you because you're my recurrent dream.
my luckless reverie.
an intermittent surge of an almost forgotten longing.
i hate you because i cant seem to hate you at all.
we ignored each other for dear life.
i can still remember the look in your face,
that bold glimpse of nothingness.
you even ignored me more than i did.
i cant forgive myself of this happiness
that's blocking the real picture.
an overt expression that i cant hide,
this thing i know as a full blown irrationality,
keeping me away from that cold truth.
that lingering joy is hiding behind closed doors.
i just know it still does, just like the old days.
not that any of these are important to me now.

because i know you will remain as my defeat.
my present and future failure.

the peyups days

i miss college, so does everyone else, right? especially when you went to this certain university where everything is possible, be it good or bad, bad. haha. i miss the gossips, the trivial things, the eccentricities of all people...

i miss being in this school where being deviant already becomes a cliche. because of the fact that being strange, or trying to appear beyond normal, is the next best thing.

i miss UP BAGUIO!

and so, with nothing else to waste some time with, i tried to search for my name in google. aside from my blog entries, and this article that i did during my journ internship that went to sunstar's online edition, there was this multiply account that strangely had my name on it. and it turned out that it was an account of a upb schoolmate who posted the pictures from UPB's 2nd indie filmfest in 2006. so here are the pics of the groupies that i snagged from that multiply page...




the groupies (L-shayne, jayne, cza, chiqui, lizzie, kuya brian, bev)



these are some of the stillshots of our entry, BALINTUNA.



(top: happy going home [main character going home from work, the guy in front of her is chiqui's exbf, badong, who wanted to an extra. haha)], below: happy's happy talk [filmed at yfmbaguio]

(below: happy's not-so-happy-conversation with her indifferent father. [kuya hanz (father/film editor] looked very in-character in this picture that it was hard for us to contain our laughter)


===
i miss college. i miss how upb struggled to instill the value of freedom, on how it taught each person to delve into the beauty of being misunderstood.

i miss baguio. i miss the occasional mists that dampen even the most dry heart. i miss the person that i was. that person who thought everything is okay. that person who lost, who never had her happy ending.

i miss the "then" in my life. because two years feel like eons of being away. and three years may already be enough to fully eradicate a certain memory.

==========the 50th=========

hi, there. i woke up at 9 am today with a surprisingly sunny mood after twelve hours of sleeping, err, oversleeping. this is truly peculiar because oversleeping is supposedly the worst result of personal indulgence. the extreme headache, the groggy feeling right after you wake up, and the struggle of walking like you can't feel your legs, i'm telling you these are the prices to pay when you oversleep, which is, definitely way worse than a big hangover. but the problem with my kind of work is that i tend to oversleep a lot during my days off that makes oversleeping badly complement my sleep deprivation. so you can just imagine how giddy-up i always feel after twelve or thirteen hours of sleeping, its the best feeling ever, i'm telling you. haha.

so the mere fact that im happy this morning makes this day, what my friends say, a "bloggable day" - that bloggable day, that moment of complete surprise, that sober/drunken happiness that itches you to go right in front of your computer and write about how the day went. but i know myself as the boring type, the killjoy and twenty-two years of existence is enough for me to know myself right through the core. so, compared to others whose lives strangely seem to be too event-driven, whose plunged too much with mediated reality (i personally know some people who are like these) and who try badly to look like they're too happy and too busy to function (for all we care), mine is lived and spent as ordinarily as possible, and i don't plan to lie about that! yes, i am a personification of uneventful. so just a disclaimer,my bloggable day is hardly even-driven, what's up with waking up in the morning, right?

i'm currently watching Ellen while writing this,and she is celebrating the show's 900th episode. so being the oc that i am with dates and stuff, i browsed through my blogging history. guess what? this ended up to be my 50th blog entry! yeah, i know, that's nothing compared to bloggers who write everyday and who make a fuss even on the minutest detail of how they combed their hair, or how they pursue their guy-hopping, so to speak. i know that i am a lousy blogger and even took a year-long sabbatical in 2007. so reaching 50 is already an accomplishment for such a writer whose plagued with writer's block more than anyone can imagine. so, on the process of tracing back my blogging history, i cant help but laugh. REAL HARD. its just so funny and humiliating all the same to look back at my life since 2005. those crappy writings, those very high-school thoughts, those college moments were totally pathetic, but i wouldn't have wanted them any other way. i've always liked my college life because they defined the "idealistic" part of "who i am", or in my case today, "who i were". and i cant thank enough whoever netizen it was who popularized blogging. because blogging entirely made a long way, giving every person a chance to write, and exibiting an individual's capacity to express so that no important moment, no emotion is cast in oblivion - all these things bloggers get to have free of charge!

so here i am again, losing my point on this blog entry, blurred up by sidebars and in-between stories. that's my problem in writing, i always get lost in thought, usually gets caught up with my point-of-view. the problem with me is that i cant write short. haha. i cant content myself with one sentence so each idea takes forever to shift to another. that's why i love blogging because of its pragmatic approach when it comes to writing. there's no need for organized thought and no need to impress with seamless writing, its all about what you want to write and how you want it written, the stage is yours to play your chosen character.


*the damsel in distress that i am

so now let me get back to MY BLOGGABLE DAY. and to tell you, time and again, nothing is really special about this day. maybe one thing different about this day is the fact that i changed the name of my blog from PLAY WITH WORDS to DAMSEL IN DISTRESS. why? nothing much really, i just think that everything needs simple modifications to keep going. well, i've always been a damsel in distress. nope, not that beautiful Louise Lane whom Clark Kent saves from the villains but that girl who seems to enjoy being withdrawn, who doesnt want to be saved in anyway because she seems to be too accustomed to the pitfalls of self-doubt and unthinkable melancholy. i am that damsel in distress.

another reason why this is a bloggable day is that i just finished watching Never Been Kissed on starmovies! its been eons ago since i watched the movie and until now its still my ultimate comfort movie. i have my fair share of comfort movies, you know the movies that tend to turn our bad days around, and best matches to our comfort food, not ice cream, because in my case, it would definitely be burger and fries (that's how lean i am, really haha). I so love Never Been Kissed and watching it again is such a nice thing to do after oversleeping! i remember way back high-school when i literally copied the article Josie Geller wrote while watching the movie, imagine pausing the movie for each sentence just so i can copy the whole thing, pathetic yeah. so here's an excerpt of the article that i rummaged from my old high school documents

never been kissed by josie geller

...I received an assignment as a reporter, to go back to high school and find out about the kids today. What I ended up finding was myself and that the high school hasn’t changed. There’s still that one teacher who marches to her own tremor. Those girls are still there; the ones that even as you grow up, will remain the most beautiful girls you’ve ever seen in close-up. The smart kids, everyone knows as the brains, but I just knew them as my soulmates, my teachers and my friends. And there’s still that one guy with his mysterious confident smile who seems so perfect in every way. The guy that you get up and go to school for. Southglenn would not have been the same without him, high school would not have been the same without him, I would not have been the same without him.

I lived a lifetime of regrets after my first high school experience, and now after my second, regrets are down to one. A certain teacher was hurt on my path to self-discovery and although this article may serve as a step, in no way he may accept what I did to him. To this man, you know who you are, I am so sorry. And I would like to add one more thing, I think I’m inlove with you.

And now I propose this as an ending to this article and perhaps the beginning to the next chapter of my life. I, Josie Geller would be at the State Championship Baseball Game where my friends, the South Rams are playing for the title. I will stand at the pitcher’s mountain in five minutes prior to the first pitch. If this man accepts my apology, I'll ask him to kiss me, MY FIRST REAL KISS…

see, that's how movie geek i was way back high-school. it actually started as an article that i read from PDI's 2bU section entitled "movie lines that define the moment" which was a compilation of some of tinseltown's mushiest movies, and being literally very high school during that time, i compiled these movie quotes as a word document and have began to expand my collection from then on. i was fortunate enough to retrieve my high school documents when my first-ever desktop computer went haywire. and now that "brando", this gateway laptop that uncle judy gave me, has kept up with me for three years now, i couldn't be luckier. [yeah, i have this strange perchance in naming my things: chiqui and i named the laptop "brando" to pay "homage" to the name of a typical callboy in pinoy movies. my ipod video is named "bogart" which is also a common name for pinoy movies' bad guy's "right hand", you know, the ones they bully and slap around when things dont go the villain's way.]
=====
chiqui: cza pwede bang sa akin muna si brando ngayong gabi? (translation: pwede bang hiramin ko laptop mo para sa journ 105 paper na kailangan kong tapusin tonight?)
cza: ayaw ko nga! akin lang si brando. akin lang!
=====


*disguise your cunning

enough of Never Been Kissed and Brando. haha. another thing that i want to write about is my current reading material: 48 Laws of Power by Robert Greene. i havent finished reading yet but that book is really overwhelming. Jessie, my etel co-worker, has been bugging me to read it because she told me that will actually help me in my everyday life (yeah, right). so now, i'm finally reading it, i just started five days ago, and being the slow reader that i am, i just finished a few laws. the book is, in the strictest sense, Machiavellian. Jessie said that the book is similar to The Prince (which i havent read yet but have been hearing so much about because of Machiavelli's strict and strong loathing on democracy). the book is so interesting and consuming because the author was compelling enough to prove that there are certain laws that can guide us toward our quest to power, not just in politics but also in our most mundane activities. but dont get me wrong, i am never machiavellian. just like what i told Jessie, "hindi ako machiavellian, ayaw ko ng power, world peace lang ang gusto ko". but there are ideals that greene raised that are too practical to neglect. the book is practical and is strong enough to elaborate how a person can make a difference by doing things guided by these laws. DISGUISE YOUR CUNNING. he tried to prove that in our quest to power, a person should appear weaker than he or she should because that will deceive the enemy. i like how greene put that idea, its just very literary. its like catching the big fish hook, line and sinker. i enjoy the book but i don't plan to listen to everything it points out. some of the laws are hard to believe, some are music to my ear, and some are funny enough to keep a smirk on my face while reading. 48 Laws to Power is truly a metaphor of a Filipino TRAPO, im sure everyone who has read the book can name a lot. =)


*picking up where we left off

and the last but not the least, another bloggable event of my indifferent existence: nitz and i are friends again. haha. we never really fought or anything like that but a year of dead silence, months of no communication is enough to prove that something illicitly went wrong between the both of us. she called me up on nov1 asking if i was still mad. haha. and it was nice of her to say sorry about what happened, i know i should have also apologized for being the evil step-sister, for my indifference and for not doing the first move of this so-called reconciliation, but i never had the guts to say so. i just told her everything that she needed to know such as how our other friends feel about her "inactive status" in our barkada. and she promised to make up with the lost times, so to speak. well, i believe we're okay now, if that's how you define "okay". atleast the "awkward moments" were finally broken and yes, nitz, for the record, is already texting and calling me from time to time, which is very unlike her, actually. hehe. and to better catch up on the things we left behind for a year, we're going to watch Twilight together! yey!

twilight!

i know this is very high-school but i'm really psyched to watch Twilight,which will premiere here in the Philippines on the 26th. i already read the book, it was such an easy read, feel good at that. haha. i'm not fussing about the fight scenes or anything like that, the only thing i care about is how the movie will give justice to edward and bella's non-quintessential love story. i've been itching to watch the spoilers in youtube but luckily had my way out of it. this is very high-school, yeah, yeah. but i can't help myself! haha.






"About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a vampire. Second, part of him - and I didn’t know how dominant that part may be - that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him." (Twilight, Stephenie Meyer)