Black Coffee and Some Void Thoughts

Coffee tastes a lot bitter than the average today.
It must be because of the cold weather - the kind that brings about this vivid, yet completely dense, sense of melancholy - the kind that tends to keep you awake all night. I want to play bored but i just can't. I want to feel all giddy-up but my lost for words just rule the affair. Maybe, blame it to this recurrent disease called writer's block. My pursuit to write down anything profound is pinned down by a heavy doubt... My hungered sips engulfed my last cup of coffee, so i am supposed to die. I won't settle for beer. It's way too deviant. Tomorrow I know I'll do better. Tomorrow the rain should subside so I can write again. So to speak.

Sembreak Na!

here are some of the perks on how festive october is:

• First, you can forget that you actually have an academic life. You can deliberately forget about beating deadlines and cramming for long exams. You can even repress the idea that you're a college junior aiming to graduate next year. School stuffs are passe.

• Second, you can pursue your long hours of slumber, which has been disturbed because of your journ107, 9am class last sem. You can sleep the hours away during daylight and be perked up to turn your nights into a mad party.

• Third, you can "catch up on your reading" (haha.. now i'm singin' the song) It's true, you can continue to page 96 of Sionil Jose's Ermita or you can re-read "Girl With A Pearl Earring" and be lost in space all over again. Admit it, your 'reader ego' is tormented by the piles of reading materials required to you last sem.
  

• Fourth, you can meet with your long lost friends, a.k.a.your high-school friends, and get wasted all night long. Meeting these pasaways is actually one divine experience during sembreak. You can catch up with each other, on "who's who" - who got pregnant, devirginized/got devirginized, snagged a boyfriend/girlfriend, gained some weight, etc.

• Fifth, you can watch other tv channels than GMA , which seemed to be the only channel apparent to your housemates minds in Baguio. You can continue cursing the sluts of MTV Dimissed and fall inlove with Matt's character in Joe Schmo Show and get amused with Bob in Pinoy Big Brother.

• Sixth, *wink* wink* you can stalk this guy you have been eyeing eversince (this, time i wont provide the details, some people might become too much assuming..) But its true, its the perfect time to apply for stalking jobs.

• Seventh, and the most important, the icing of the cake, you can bond with your daddy, mommy, brother, and cousins 24/7. Admit it, the best thing about sembreak is being home - having this intrinsic feeling of, err, belongingness. This is the perfect time to have guitar lessons with daddy, share hilarious jokes with mommy-hear the amusing anecdotes she saved up for you, and pursue this IRAQ-US War on Terror with your five-year-old brother. (talk about being an obnoxious and evil nineteen-year-old sister that I am.)hehe..

waah!!! i'm counting the days already...

my song

Smile
by Tamia

Sometimes I sit at home and wonder how it'd be
If he had loved me
Truly loved me yes
I learned a while ago that kind of thing
Never happens for me
And so I go around
And just pretend
Love is not for me
I play the circus clown around my friends
Make them laugh and they won't see
That you never let them see you sweat
Don’t want them to think the pain runs deep
Lord knows it's killing me
So I put on my make-up
Put a smile on my face
And if anyone asks me
Everything is okay
I’m laughing cause no one
Knows the joke is on me
Cause I’m dying inside
With my pride and a smile
On my face
On my face
Singing lalala...
Sometimes I sit at home
By the phone hoping he might call me
But he don't call me
But then I realize
Dreams come true aren't for girls like me
Not like me
And so I go around with my head up
Like it ain't no thing
And when the boys are out with all my friends
I’m into other things
Cause you never let them see you sweat
Don’t want them to think the pain runs deep
Lord knows it's killing me
And so I put my make up (Put it on, put it on)
Put a smile on my face (A smile on my face
And if anyone asks me (Oh, yeah
Everything is okay (Oh, I'm laughing)
I’m laughing cause no one (No one, no one)
Knows the joke is on me
But I’m dying inside
With my pride and a smile
On my face
On my face
It’s not an easy (Thing to do)
Sometimes it’s hard to (Face the truth)
It’s not the life that I would choose (That I would choose)
But what else can I do?
If he don’t love me
If he don’t want me
I’m not about to sit around
Let myself go
So I put on my make-up
Put a smile on my face (I put a smile on my face)
And if anyone asks me (everything is ok)
Everything is okay (Oh, I'm laughing)
I’m laughing cause no one (No one, no one)
Knows the joke is on me (But I'm dying inside)
Cause I’m dying inside
With my pride and a smile
On my face
On my face
Singing lalala...

Nah! I'm just feeling mushy today. Now i have to admit that i can relate to this song that much to make it my day-to-day early morning official soundtrack. I know its entirely mushy, but i just love this song in as much as i hate the fact that its lines are plain reflective of the girl that i was. Emphasis on thepast tense.

Good thing i've finally come up to my senses and realized that love just aint for me, minus the melodramatic feeling, mind you. Well, its that plain and simple to realize that there are so much things i have to do than succumb in bed and grieve for someone who is never really into me. Yeah, i wont deny the fact that i was a former lover. Back then I really thought that everyone else deserves a happy ending and so i was psyched to really search for my own. But my months of searching was cast in vain. But it's okay.Im getting over it, little by little. Its really nice that school stuffs help me get through the traumatic experince of being love struck. Yuck, i suddenly abhored the word that i used.

But, remembering the pathetic things that i did because of the shitty feeling of falling for someone is really an amusing experience, and may i just add that i don't regret a thing. I knew i appeared"easy/slut" and even played the role of an aspiring princess hoping for her prince, but its really funny to realize how crazy/assuming can a girl be because of love. Yuck again, now I've finally used the term.

But then again, I am rational enough to think that my life shouldn't end for not having a man. I guess I am normal enough to realize that life isnt all about having a hand to grasp while walking or lips to kiss inside a movie theater. Yeah, it sometimes sucks when you're feeling lonely or something, but I know everything else is just a phase - some arbitrary feeling I'm assured to get over with.

But its true that my life isnt that much giddy, isnt really that majestic as one can assume. I am honest enough to tell the world that my life sucked more than it kicked. But, Im fine with it. What's new, anyway?

This is an excerpt from an old article i wrote during high-school entitled My Loveless Life So Far.

"I'm fine of being alone, fine of living my so-called lame life. I guess I like my life that much that I wont waste it worrying about being loveless oranything. I have my friends with me. they fill the empty part of me, I believe that. Maybe, my dream guy hasn't appeared yet, or has he? I purely don't care. Whether he would appear in the scene or not, I am not holding my breath for waiting for him to appear because I love my life the way it is."

=====>>>Hahaha! You can actually imagine how hard I laughed the time I browsed through my old journal and read this particular article. It's really funny to think how much I have changed - from a coldhearted highschool slacker to a suicidal lovesick stalker...

Yeah, love is a bitch. But bitches are real, anyway.

So, to this particular fellow i'm thinking about right now, thanks for making me feel the difference between believing and assuming. But Alicia Keys is damn right to tell that "what goes around comes around". Everything comes full circle. I have suffered enough, kindly wait for your turn.haha...

Really, huh?!

DISCLAIMER: this whole blog i have right here is not made to brag but to inspire. i do not intend to appear the smart ass by writing these craps because i have learned to make this blog my mirror image. i write these things for the innate reason of writing down my repressed emotions and not to brag about how many words i know or how descriptive i am about things.. i know i am not a good writer - i am still learning to be one.

*****

guess who's feeling lucky today. i rushed til the end of my wits to attend my 9am journ102 class just to find out that we have no classes. nice one! i knew i should have slept the hours away until 1pm. but its fine, actually, because i received two great compliments sufficient enough to make my day - two nice compliments that came from people i didnt expect. one's from jardine. while waiting in vain for ma'am dazzy, jardine said that she viewed my blog yesterday. i was amused. merely viewing my blog is enough to make me feel elated. she said i wrote good. (really?huh?=) and the topics that i wrote about were really interesting and that she said wished that she wrote the same way that i do. i thanked her for the compliments and told her to create her own blog. creating a blog is an immaculate experience, i suddenly realized.

the second compliment was from donna, also a classmate. it was really unlikely to receive a compliment from this girl because we arent really that close.. plus, i actually thought that she was a snob. pardom me for being too much judgemental, donna. i hope to make it up to you.hehe. so, here's the message she sent me in friendster:

Hey cza, donna here. I just happened to browse your page and i took a peep of your blog. Shet, mabuhay ka. Galing mo palang magsulat! Can't help to admire your wit! So worry not anymore, coz by now, at least a word from a co-journalist-to-be might be a good assurance that you are gonna be rich both in achievements and figures someday. And don't you call yourself ugly, coz you are not.

so during these days when i feel really withdrawn foreseeing the exams and major paperworks that i have to accomplish, i guess these simple compliments is enough to keep me going. being recognized is an elating experience but being appreciated is just too much to handle.hehe.. my feeling of low self worth decreases whenever these moments happen, which rarely occurs, actually.

im feeling lucky today. pardon me for being "mababaw" but its really great to be appreciated without even intending to please. its just amusing when you do the things that you really love to do and receive these little compliments that inspire you somehow..