l.o.v.e l.o.s.t. e.n.t.r.y.

I cannot believe that i am finally doing this, that for the most part, I am ready to give up an unrequited love. This shouldn’t sound much of a surprise to me because it’s something that I should have done since Day 1, since that fateful day when I realized I felt something for a friend. I know i am way overdue because this should have happened even years before, but its true when they say that its better late than never - its better to wake up after a long slumber than not wake up at all. I knew right from the start that there's no to avail but i was way too blind to see. Better yet, i was too engrossed with the ideas of true loves and happy endings. So now, at this very moment, I have just let go of someone I never had. What I did was everything but a proper closure because it was obviously an act of hopeless surrender. But either way, I know that he wouldn’t care. And it was funny and hurtful to know that I was right all along – that he really didn’t care.

I am not ashamed to admit that I fell in love with a friend. And it’s funny because it happened earlier than the usual and overrated puberty years. I knew that I felt “childhood love” as early as my grade school years is concerned, it just came to me the same moment I learned my ABCs. I have so much heart for my childhood years because he was there, yes, he was there. There have been countless days when I longed to turn back time just so I can rearrange the things I left behind and make things better between the both of us. Because of him, I realized how important it is to seize the day because even the most dragging days become part of history… just as much as the most important events in my life meet their sad and happy endings.

I ignored my chances and by the time I realized I still feel the same way towards him, he’s all gone. I tried all possibilities to make up with the lost times. But what I got was a friendship with him that was far from being real. All we had was a friendship made up of words left unsaid and of implicit actions that were, because of vague mischief, not readily shown. Although we always update each other about what’s up with each others lives, there were still a million things that were left on hang. And the sad part of the movie is that I just played the role of the over supportive friend who did every thing to make him forget about his bad day. I was always the good friend, the love adviser, and the 24/7 text buddy. I’ve always tried so damn hard to make him feel that he’s special in his own way. I was too engrossed with the idea of being his best text buddy that I didn’t notice that I have lost myself in the process.

Now, as corny as it can be, but I am tracing my way back to who I really am. I said goodbye. If that’s how I should call it. There wasn’t anything wrong between us when I decided to leave him behind. He was on his feet, asked how I was, and was about to tell me about a good day he had, when I decided to say goodbye. I told him that I wasn’t okay and asked him a favor to never bother me again. I told him to stop texting me because he’s not helping me when he updates me about his life. I mean, how can I even let go when he’s always there, informing me about how happy his life is? I just can’t continue learning things about him, much more go on with hearing things that I don’t wanna know. I just can’t bear hearing him retell about his love stories and expects me to feel happy for him. I just can’t prolong my stupidity to even allow things to end up this way. It breaks my heart to let him go but this should be it. I know I had to say goodbye.

I must live in the NOW, they always tell me. But it was only a few weeks back that I resolved to finally putting the past on the backseat. It was only recently that I actually realized that the past has hindered me to appreciate what is at hand. The NOW is me, who has just started working and is about to embrace the more mature phase of who I am trying to be. This time, I decided that the NOW should never include him.

It hurts me to know about how indifferent he is about my goodbye. It just kills me to realize that after all I did for him, after all my pursuits to make him feel elated, he was just too careless to let me go. He didn’t even ask about what caused me to say goodbye. There were no questions asked, and I was too hurt that he didn’t even dare to ask me about it, because, given the chance that he asked me about it, I would have told him everything. I was about to tell him about how I feel. But he only offered me dead silence, much more like a benefit of the doubt. Yeah, sure, who am I to him, anyway? I am just his friend, and knowing him for half of my life, he wouldn’t really weep about losing a friend.

This is a total heartbreak for me but its better off this way. I should really set myself free from the feeling that he never paid back. I should have known better and let him go earlier but I was too hopeful to realize the reality of things. I have been in a haze of waiting for things to happen and for past feelings to come back. But now is my awakening and there’s no turning back. I’ve rehearsed my lines a million times, and even though it was a bit untimely, I was able to muster up the courage to bid him farewell.

He’s on his own now, just like me. And I am trying my best to be happy about it. I am actually happy to start a life without the love that I always had for him. I am planning to redo and even overhaul a life that became a bit slower because of him. I am on the verge of trying my best to focus on the much more important things in life – like providing for my family’s needs and surviving the work that I have at the moment. I am just happy to have a fresh start. I am just happy to forget everything about Baguio and start to live and love Manila.


To this person:
Thank you. You made me feel that love isn’t always about pink and fresh flowers, because you made me see how black and rotten love can be. How love stinks. How it makes a person lose herself on the process of loving another person who actually have other things to do than to appreciate her. Thank you for making me feel that you don’t care, because it actually made my closure easier to handle. I know I am not much of a loss because you have other friends to turn to, right? Realizing how worthless you are as a friend made my farewell easier to do. You are never into me, and I am happy that I was able to see the much bigger picture on how undeserving you are for my friendship. I still have something for you, and the years that passed by made me realize that I always will. But this shouldn’t be important to me now. Because sure, I have a life to live… and just in case you want to know, I also have a dream to fulfill. Just like you.

This is my goodbye. And there’s just no turning back. I’m so done waiting.


Update:

some things had happened a few weeks after this but it still didnt mean a thing. i was still in pursuit of what's supposed to be a "moving forward" scheme. haha. he was actually trying to find out the why's of these things but i did think that he's too lousy in finding out the answers. so i resolved to the fact that he's not worthy of any explanation. i gave him the chance to probe on his doubts but i was eventually the the one who was left on hang, which was actually a funny thing. it was sad to give up a a friend that ive known for ages but it will be sorrier if i still continue to have this and to have him around. he needs to be out of the way. and im quite sure about this. haha

Now What?

just so you know. i am still alive. at the moment. haha. i just didn't feel like documenting a life that is so much leading to mediocrity and a so-so existence... yeah, because as of now, there's nothing interesting to write about aside from graduating from college and starting to get a grip of what the "real world" is all about. cliche, but the world is so much different from what i thought it was a year ago. the NOW is so different that it feels like i have lived a superficial life before, and that i didn't even learn a thing from my four years in college. haha. but, don't get me wrong because this isn't even about maturing emotionally and finally acting my age, its way better/worse than that. but yeah, despite of this phase of life that i am headed to, im cool with it. so far. and its really good to finally experience to hit the floor. haha. i am not even sure of what's up for tomorrow and even days after that. hell, i am not even sure if i am leading to something good. i can't even say if i actually have a promising future to live. the only thing i know is that i'm finally here and that there's no turning back (because that will cause me to pay the bond, actually. hehe). so there. this is just to remind myself that i am finally getting a life here in Manila where everything else that's been with me is history. ..=)

after 48 years...

yey, two long months din palang hindi ako nakapag-sulat dito. sabihin na nating "on sabbatical" ang drama ko for the last two months na hindi ako nakapag-update. grabe. overwhelming. sobrang fast-paced ng naging buhay ko, iyong tipong sa loob ng dalawang buwan ay napagod din ako ng sobra. siguro sa thesis, sa ibang productions, sa bio, and yeah, sa biology. haha. alam ko sobrang far out pero muntik na akong hindi gruaduate dahil sa bio, sa isang GE na last sem ko lang nagawang makuha. kamusta naman iyon di ba? muntik na talaga... pero mabait pa rin talaga sa akin si God kasi na-tres din ako sa bio. haha. grabe, first ever tres ko iyon sa buong college life pero sobrang masaya na ako dun kesa naman singko at hindi grumaduate. nakakaiyak talaga iyong moment na iyon. akala ko nga katapusan na ng mga maliligayang araw ko eh, pero ayun, nagawan din ng paraan at nakagraduate din sa wakas.

apat na taon din iyon ah. pero sa totoo lang, feeling ko sobrang bilis talaga ng panahon. overacting talaga ang oras pag minsan eh. apat na taon din pala iyong mga masasaya at nakaka-homesick moments ko sa baguio. apat na taon din palang napudpod ang kamay ko sa kakasulat, apat na taon din palang napagod ang katawan ko dahil sa puyatan moments sa mga bc productions, at apat na taon din pala akong tumawa, umiyak, nanaginip. naghintay sa wala, at tumawa ulit. haha. okay lang iyon, kasi sa apat na taon na iyon, alam ko naman sa sarili ko na naging masaya ako kasama ang mga friendly friends na kasama ko sa pambabarubal sa mundo. hay, alam ko cliche na ito, pero nakaka-miss talaga ang college life. iyong feeling na bum ka pa rin at dependent sa magulang mo sa ultimong mga pinaka-simpleng desisyon sa buhay mo. dati sobrang gusto ko nang grumaduate, magtrabaho, at kumita ng limpak limpak na salapi. pero ngayong naka-graduate na ako at may trabaho na, parang gusto kong umurong at magpaka-bum ulit. pero ayun, reality check, graduate na ako at this time, in need na talaga akong maging matino at maging matalino sa mga desisyong gagawin ko sa mga susunod na araw at susunod pang mga taon. pucha, ang tanda ko na talaga. damang dama ko na talaga ang pagkakaiba ng workplace sa classroom, siyet! hehe...

oo na, oo na, call center ang first ever job ko, mediocre? siguro. underemployed? malamang. at alam ko na tumaas ang kilay ng iba diyan, , pero someday, pipilitin ko talagang maibaba ang mga kilay nila. haha. ang sakit kasi nung feeling na mina-maliit ka dahil lang sa pinili mong mag-umpisa sa sa mababa. at ang lalong masakit iyong feeling na mga "kaibigan" mo mismo ang nangmamaliit sa iyo. wow, no? siguro nga, ganun talaga ang buhay, minsan masakit talaga kumagat. pero ayun, susubukin ko pa ring maging okay ang buhay ko. susubukin ko pa ring maka-survive sa call center para makaipon. haha. wish ko lang na makapag-ipon talaga ako. buti na lang talaga supportive ang pamilya ko at sobrang thankful ako sa kanila dahil dun.

malapit na ako pumunta sa manila. hehe. promdi mode ito! hehe. excited na kabado and feeling ng malapit na magtrabaho. kasi last year, super laidback lang ang april at may.. pero this time, overacting ang buwan na ito dahil di ko manlang nagawang magbakasyon at magpahinga from a really stressful college life. gora kasi agad ako sa trabaho. masyado kasi ako na-excite nung na-hire ako at pirma mode agad ng contract. shunga talaga ang lola mo! haha. kaya ito, kahit na april pa lang, kailangan ko na agad magbanat ng buto at dumaldal ng literal. hehe.

excited talaga ako. ang corny noh? hehe.