easter sunday and meantime happy-ness!

i spent easter sunday with nitz, the bestfriend that i almost lost (aww!). and as always, we both had the time of our lives eating together and sharing stories about each others lives. and this time, something different occurred. we didn't talk about other people's lives, we talked solely about ourselves - the ups of nitz's life and downs of mine.

that was the second time we met up after our almost-friendship-breakup last year. and we really picked up where we left off. i'm starting to feel that we went back to normal, like nothing really came between the both of us. no more dead airs nor awkward moments, just 100% stories about how our lives went during the time of our raging war.

i can say that nitz is so much happier now, i can only see that through her smiles, the ones that reflect the cloud9 feeling from something that she has at the moment. the smiles of a girl that is oh so inlove. hahaha. she told me about how her life sucked last january and i also told her how my life sucked since day one. haha. maybe what changed after our tampuhan is her openness about her life. nitz has always been silent and secretive about her life and i've always been immature enough not to respect her privacy. maybe i was just asking too much, wanting her to be like me, who never keeps any secret to herself. my secrets are my mother's, friends', neighbors' secrets too. haha.

so, this time, nitz is already open about her life. she was so open that i was also up for the juicy details. we were so exhilarated about our kita-kitz that we didn't even finish our food. i couldn't finish mine because of my finger's agony from using chopsticks. haha. i fished out for the details and whatnot and she was also on her feet in telling me everything. its just so funny because nitz was way out-of-character that night. she was the blabbermouth and i was the listener. strange, really.

after dinner, we went to starbucks, because there's just no other place to go to at 9pm when the stores were already closing and the people were heading home. and that was the moment when stories went from happy to repulsive to hopeless to slutty. haha. nitz and i planned about the things i need to do to change my life. yes, to really CHANGE MY LIFE. we planned about meeting people, not just one person but PEOPLE (more than one) that i need to make modifications out of this dismal and mundane existence. nitz said she and her boyfriend will do the job for me. our planning process while drinking frap in starbucks was just so funny and we were laughing our heads off imagining how should i walk and act when i meet these people - on how i should pretend to be all kikay and lady-like when we meet. yes, these are the pathetic things we sometimes need to do to be happy. no matter how planned it may appear to be, i will be happier now. at all cost!

yes, i am now willing to do all these things and more - these things that i've yanked away from before because of being too much of a hater. i am now willing to run the extra mile, so they say. i told nitz about these recurrent dreams that are making me feel hopeless, these intermittent dreams about the things of the past. and she was so correct in telling me that i can't get away from them if i won't try to do things for myself. from now on, things will be better and my redirected subconscious will eventually work its way with my bad dreams.

there's a fine line between future happiness and current flame. i made it clear with nitz that all i want is a current flame, just that one text to look forward to everyday (OMG, i can go as corny as that), just that one chance to make me feel that i am also a girl, that i truly exist, and is not just a part of somebody else's gradeschool nightmare. i don't want to talk about life after ten years or so because i know that everything that happens is arbitrary. i want mean-time happiness, the thrill of the present. and nitz said that she got it. and we both laughed harder.

i am super psyched for the next couple of days to come because i know that change is at hand. and i am really looking forward to experience new things and do things that i should have done way way before. haha. i don't want to overdo experience, i don't want to appear like an ugly slut who does too much, i just need something to make me remember that i am already twenty three years old and that quarter life crisis is already getting in the way. i am now willing to take initiative over my life. now is the perfect time to make things happen. THIS IS REALLY IT FOR ME!

my past months' life

after two months of going to the moon and back, i am now revisiting this blog that has gone from dead to dormant to dead again. i haven't been writing for two months now because there's nothing really interesting to write about, nothing in my life right now needs further recognition. and its partially my fault.

why?

because no matter what happens, no matter how much i laugh hard and breathe harder, nothing much interests me anymore. haha. this is such an irony because i am always the biggest fan of what i call, "moments" - those spur of the moment scenarios that are sweet, sour, and bitter all at the same time. my taste buds arent working anymore, i think. because i cant even distinguish sweet from bitter. everything else tastes all the same. bland and far from savory.

these are the occurences, or not.

february came. my least favorite month. i have this nondescript loathing about this month, and its entirely understandable. i dont want to go further on this because, time and again, i'll sound too hopeless.

march came. this became a busy month for me considering the fact that two of my uncles (uncle charlie and uncle kengs) and my lolo and lola came home from the states. so i was the "tigasin" in paniqui. haha. imagine, filing for leave from work for a week just to fix the house, wash the dishes, and wash the dishes again. haha. but it's fun, and its just my way of saying thank you for my uncle charlie's generosity that has come beyond description. it was actually his first time to go back to the philippines after twenty-two years of hard work in america. hard work spent over child support. haha. being chickboy that he is, he fathered 3 panganays. i came to know this uncle that i've seen first time since i was born compared to my uncle kengs who have been here in the philippines for more than half of his life, migrating in america only a few years ago.

maybe what's bloggable about march is my trip to mindoro. this is the trip that came without warning. hehe. whenever papa and nanay goes back home here in the philippines, they always make it a point to go to mindoro, my nanay's homeland. i was so much hesitant to go with them because of the fact that i am so afraid of the water and be all seasick. but to cut the story short, i went with them - my first ever trip to batangas and mindoro!

my visit to mindoro is interesting because of the fact that i was able to meet those relatives that i only knew by names and by the stories that my nanay retold about them, its like a mini-reunion with the people that i was able to meet for the first time. they spoke hardcore tagalog with a thick batangeno accent. and that's quite interesting for me whose always been a true-blue pangasinense. and because of that trip, i was able to identify how multi-linguistic my lineage is - having a kapampangan tatang, pangasinense daddy, ilocano mommy, and a tagalog nanay can prove my broad ethno-linguistic background!

see?

these are the mundane things that have occured and they are even far from being blog-worthy. that's how dismal my life is heading. and i know this should stop. something should be done. AS SOON AS NOW.

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