when it can only be one of two things...

i am at this point where i'm torn between the idea of who i want to become and who i need to be. i am just too caught between passion and money. such ideas that were too far out when i was still in school, where everything else was a walk in the park. now, i am walking into the dark and bumpy road of self-discovery that one decision will lead to both victory and despair. victory to the one i'm choosing and complete despair to the other that will just be left and dragged into thin air.

i cant decide yet, because my mind isn't an expert on profound decisions. i'm not honed to identifying that one magic click when you're positive that you made the right choice. i always adhere to trial and error. and as always, with the misadventure that is my life, anyone can be sure that i've always erred in my decisions and have struggled to lead a life solving the labyrinth of my former mistakes.

and i cant bear to err this time. because this may be my only shot. i cant let go of this opportunity that presented itself so tempting and unadulterated. i want to be right for the first time. i want to correct the mistakes i am committing almost every other day. you cant have it all, that i know for sure. but now that i have nothing yet, i want to have something that can compensate the years that were cast in vain. i need substance because my brain has been paralyzed by routine. i need to follow my heart and my dreams that were left fooling around elsewhere because of my plain indifference and lack of drive to pursue. but i also need money, the one thing that keeps everything else going. that one thing that whether i deny it or not, cannot be overstated.

money is necessary but so are my dreams. i need to eat but i also need to really live. hell, i just don't know what to do. my mind isn't functioning correctly. i need to sleep and in my dreams, i will try to decide. i will try to calculate if money can buy the joy of doing what you love. and will also rationalize if passion can lead you to forgetting what you plan for your family, what you want to have in your portfolio.

it can only be one of two things. always as it is. and despite myself, something has to be done.

you say we've got nothing in common
no common ground to start from
and we're falling apart...

i hate when things are over when so much is left undone.


...who doesnt, right? but that's just about it. that's everyone else's breakfast at tiffany's. at one point or another.

My Eight Days of SuMmEr!

beach tripping with the friends i love to pieces. artsy? right. (pero in reality, against the light lang talaga. hehe)



I AM ON LEAVE FOR EIGHT DAYS... and the timer starts now!

yes. yes. yes. this is the first time in my 2-year-working-life that i am able to avail whatever it is that's left of summer. i have so many plans, really:

to sleep. sleep more. swimming with friends. read. and sleep again.

those words right there are called happy-ness. and whoever said that happiness is the first day of summer has got it all wrong because i am about to indulge into the laidback and easy remaining days of summer. and nothing will hold me back. not even the rain. although, time and again, i still hate the fucking rain. i still have this nondescript loathing for the wet season. the
same way that i will kill anyone who will scare me with spiders, dead or alive.



i will go swimming with my highschool friends. where? i dunno, it doesnt really matter. as long as it entails a beach and a two-day frolicking with these people i love to bits, it doesnt really matter where in the world that will be. because, like what i said, that will still spell happy-ness. that will still be larger than life.




i will sleep, which is a personal indulgence that i am mostly deprived of. i will sleep like there's no tomorrow. and i will read, just to lessen the stack of pending reading materials that i havent had the time to even take a short glimpse of. reading and sleeping are my true love, and the 8-day leave wont be complete without them.

i'm just so happy that i cant even put into words the enormity of what i feel. all i can do is sing "lalalalala...." haha. yes, i am singing now. and not even my mother, or my balistic younger brother can stop me. maybe, i'll even sing along with andrei. to the tune of the "emo" bands that he is starting to love these past few days (FM static, anyone? haha). i love my younger brother because he's everything that i am not. but our US-IRAQ war aint over yet. not even close. but yes, when i go home, i will estrangle him with my hugs and kisses. he hates it when i do that, i know. and that gives me more reason to do it, because i cant stand a single day without pissing him off. me and my brother arent ourselves without him running for his life or me wishing i didnt exist whenever we're together. literally. go figure.

i know i must atleast do something productive within the next couple of days, but the thing is, the more i plan to do these things that more that they dont happen. something always comes up (like an unplanned mindoro trip) that ruins every thing. murphy's law still defines the moment. so, i guess, i wont plan anything this time. i've been planning to work on my passport but yes, it had remained as a "plan" for a year now. my mother has been bugging me to take the civil service exams, but it has also remained as a far-out reverie. because i didnt have the time, or energy, perhaps. that's what i am making myself believe. and yes again, whatever.

i hope there will be no dragging days for eight days. i cant bear the thought of boredom in these days that i've worked hard for earning. boredom should be a taboo. and with the kind of family that i have, with the kind of brother that i've always lived with, i dont think that there's even room for boredom. everything else becomes overly eventful when i am with my family. and because of that, i love them to pieces. cliche but true.

this is my first and last days of summer. and so many things are about to happen. i can already smell seawater and good food that my friend, creck is about to prepare for us. i can already see the sun battling with the rain. and i can already see the sun remaining victorious afterall, and the rain colliding in despair. the sun wont let me down, i just know it. =)

Happy
-ness. =)