Random Thoughts

• I cannot tell for sure if I will wave goodbye to college four months from now, but just the thought of having to file up a graduation form on Tuesday brings me the jitters of kissing my laidback “student years” goodbye and saying hello to job-hunting and living on my own. Haha. I am all ecstatic with the idea of leaving school but I am also too frightened of getting acquainted with the real world. But, I guess before planning out a major metamorphosis, I might as well pass Bio10 first. Funny, but I am actually taking up Biology class this semester together with a bunch of freshmen students… and damn, I am alienated and I am really S-C-A-R-E-D. It was like eons ago since I last heard of Biology so how the hell will I know for sure how dioxynucleic acid works? Haha. What if I fail Bio10? The good news is that I may not be able to graduate if I fail this GE subject. So, please, God help me…

• I had the best sembreak ever, and now I am starting to miss my 24/7 pig-out moments for three weeks last month. I also attended this inuman session with my high-school friends where I threw up twice! Yeah, not once, but two times of throwing up like there’s no tomorrow. It was one horrible and hallucinating moment that I am just looking forward to happen again. Haha. And also, through some cosmic proportion, together with three of my grade school buddies, I was able to organize our 3rd get-together. But last sembreak’s get together was way way more fun and ehem, extra eventful. Haha. I really love catching up with these people whom I never expected to be friends with in the first place. They all make going back home more special and wanted. As we’ve realized, it was the last sembreak for most of us that’s why we spent and brought the night to the next level. haha. Whatever that means. I miss sembreak. Sigh.

• I am starting to miss Baguio even this early. Haha. (feeling ba?! Hehe) I so like the cold weather at the moment and am deeply inlove with the occasional mists whenever we walk down Session Road at night. It makes my atmosphere irresistibly nostalgic and mysterious, which I really like. It’s nice to have a healthy amount of nostalgia sometimes because it practically makes and re-makes Baguio as a venue for love lost and found. Haha. I am starting to miss Baguio because of the fact that I have no plans of working here. Me and my buddies already had our eyes laid on working in Manila and I am not changing my mind yet. I love Baguio and I am dreaming of owning a house here just so I can visit the place whenever I want. But I just can’t bear the thought of having to work here because it ain’t fun at all. I love Baguio but I just know that the place and I are not meant for each other. Haha. There are just some moments and things and people that I just love to hate about the place. And even this early, I am saying goodbye.

• Look who’s turning twenTEENone this December. Wow, now I have an additional year to remind me that it is just mandatory for me to GROW UP. It’s pathetic but 21 years of living just don’t prove that I am mature enough to act my age. I know I am childish, and I just have to admit that most of the time I have this “utak grade 3” syndrome. I still love pursuing this IRAQ-US “War on Terror” with my 7-year-old brother and on most occasions, I still can’t decide on my own. I still break things, I still cry over petty things, and I am still undeniably clumsy and “burara”. Haha. But whatever happens, I know I can never get away from turning twenty-one next month. As one of my friends say “Czarina, sobrang legal ka na to do everything! Debut mo na ulit eh!” Yeah, right. Hehe. I don’t know what’s going to happen and the funny thing is that I still don’t hold the “conviction” to act my age. I just hope this year will be a little different, that something good and life-changing will eventually surface just so I can GROW UP. Advance Happy 21st bday to me. =)

• This may be a change of phase but I am not missing anyone lately. Haha. I guess I am damn right in deciding that giving up is the best and the only thing to do. I’ve been bombarded by love problems from my friends 24/7 and I’ve just been fed up by stories of lost loves, and of loves that are bound to crash down… Mine just ended. And I just know that I have yet to find someone who can beat the stupidity I had from actually praying for things to happen and for past feelings to come back. Facing the mirror and seeing how uglier and “wider” I am getting every day is enough reason for me to stop dreaming and just make good things happen for me, like passing my bio10 and polsci14 quizzes on Wednesday, perhaps. Haha…

• Basta all in all, I am a happy person at the moment… me and my college “chockarans” promised to make this hopefully last semester fun, fun, fun for us! I don’t know if it will still be fun when I learn that I failed bio10. haha. Wag naman sana. I just hope that this sem will be extra-ordinary. That all of us will eventually have our happy endings. Others already had. I am yet to find my own… =)

l.o.v.e. e.n.t.r.y.

I know that I shouldn’t be writing about this because every other person within the approximate distance knows about it already. Every single detail has been told about this bitter, tragic, pointless, and now lost love story. I’m sorry and I am promising that this would be one of the final chapters, if not the last.

I actually thought that I can easily manipulate everything that I do and that I can push to believe in anything that I am supposed to believe in. I forced myself to trust that having my mind set, and pursuing a planned a state of mind, will eventually make me normal. For a time, I was victorious in trying to be sufficient for myself believing that I need no one to be happy. But there are just some things that I can never deny and that there are some moments that I have no left resort but to give in and let the stupid side of me win once more.

Seeing him is hard enough, but realizing that there’s still something with me is a little harder (especially when I actually thought that I have forgotten some things already). Time and again, I fell short with my so-called defenses. I was caught off guard. Seeing a special person should have been the greatest feeling ever but it was irresistibly painful when I looked at him and actually know that he’s gone for good; and that I could never bring back everything to the way it was. Recently, I have seen for myself that the past should remain as it is now, and that I should now begin to look ahead. And with that, I am planning to redo my act of giving up… Sad as it is, but this is the nth time of my bitter surrender. And I hope it will work this time. I am keeping my fingers crossed.

I was partially happy to see him around and was particularly occupied with the experience of reliving the past. It was fun to actually look back and try to revive the irrational, impulsive, and happy side of who we were. But amidst the fun and the tell-tale of us as grown-ups, I was sorry. And may I just say that the sorriest part is that the whole act of reliving made me learn that the past will never come back. And that, by now, I should actually start to get a life. This may be my goodbye. And I hope to keep my word this time. I promise to save myself from having my heart suffer an pained throb again… it was wrong enough to assume something and I wouldn’t want to have my heart trapped again. Not again, please.

Being the negative and pessimistic girl that I am, irony tells it that I am a strong believer of happy endings. And with that I am really wishing to find my own, and this time finding my happiness should not involve clinging to the past and embracing the coldness of an absence. I have learned that I will never find a relatively happy ending if I count on to something that's gone already. "That would be useless and disappointing", just as a certain movie line tells it. This is not the masochist me speaking, but the girl who finally, through an eventful process, is learning to give up, happily. It is sad to realize that time is furious and changes has gotten to everyone already. But this just made me learn that I might as well avail these changes, and that I should forget about romanticizing the past and clinging to a dusty romance. The problem about me lies with the fact that I have been so involved with the past that I seemed to overlook the life that I have now. Sure thing I love the life that I have at present and I am especially grateful with the people and the things that add up to a relatively complete life that I Have at the moment. But sometimes, I just can’t help but look back and wish for something to reappear. Happy endings occur, I have no other choice but to believe that I haven’t lost yet.

Twenty years of living made me learn a little bit of myself and I am proud to say that I am a person who never seem to finish anything.. Haha. I tend to refuse seizing the day, and I seem to never get over a good book. I am never a fan of closing chapters and moving on. The list goes on as I try to put into words my pathetic idea of living the past. But then, having the reality slap me once more, I know that I must have a change of phase and redirect a seemingly disoriented fate. I have liked/loved a person and for the first time in my life, I am not really ashamed of it. I bet the title of this entry is enough reason to prove my nerve to reveal something utterly stupid. Haha.

As I’ve told for the nth time, this may be my final chapter and I am promising this time to live with my word. I have actually gotten a life, I am proud enough to say it. Its just that sometimes, seeing something from the past is like being re-haunted by a former ghost that I thought I have forgotten already. What I am having right now, I guess, is a form of spotting. Haha. That after such reoccurrence of a dormant throb, acceptance comes next. I will really buy a life without ghosts and past reoccurrences. Now, may I just say that I’m ready and that I am happily married with the idea of giving up. =)





*ang blog na ito ay inspired ng mga mura na inabot ko sa aking mga mabubuting friends nung nagkwento ako sa kanila about it. haha. thank you. asan na ang helmet? nawawala na nga ata! haha.