stuck in a rut?

its true when they say that life after college swallows you whole - hook, line, and sinker. college is all theoretical, and once you set your feet on the pavement of labor force, you definitely find yourself engulfed by this system of paychecks and paying taxes.

you begin to notice how each day makes you older half the time. the wrinkles and fine lines may not be visible on your face yet, but the things that you have to go through everyday when you start working ages you furiously you won't even have the time to stop and breathe.

your intelligent theories and self-fullfilling ideals already become a thing of the past. because you're suddenly thrusted into the world of dirty competition and paying bills. you will always think of college and of the days gone by but you also become too rational to think that college already bid its goodbye a couple of years ago and will never find the nerve to come back. so by then you just come to terms with the idea that things change, and then you let yourself get devoured by life.

i have been working for three years already. ive already had my fair share of our governement's sustainability by religiously paying taxes. i say religious because tax is automatically deducted from my salary. this is a no-option-to-decline kind of thing to all workers. but its okay, i know that it is every citizen's responsibility to pay their taxes, its like buying our right to live safe and sound in our country. and i have no problem with that.

yes, you get devoured by real life. everything becomes routinary and your muscles begin to voluntarily adapt to such unlikely routine. you get to do the same things. your quizzes, papers, and homeworks will be converted into tasks assigned by your boss - and the result of the task becomes directly proportional to the rate of possible promotion. so you run for your life by ensuring that tasks are done perfectly. but at the end of the day, politics still gets in the way. no pun intended. the kissass people are scattered in places you may never anticipate. and they can hit you in the most unsuspecting instances. you just find yourself being just-that-second-best because they do every possible way to become that-one-on-top no matter how mediocre they truly are. hideous they are. and you always have no clue.

but you still gain friends and they will become the best people you've met simply because they are also devoured by real life. they are your co-victims, so to speak. and predictably, you content yourselves by your occassional drinking sessions. drinking suddenly becomes your natural high. sometimes you also smoke with them because inhaled smoke is another natural high suitable for forgetting how a day sucks the life out of you. your friends at work suddenly become the best friends you never knew existed.

i just resigned from a job that i have adapted with for three years. i want to say it's a leap of faith, because i want to pursue the idea that this is what i've always wanted. and this new job is familiaring the every nerve of me again. routine is welcoming me back and this time, there are so much uncertainties that thinking about these is already becoming a bore. so i resolved to the fact to let things go as they're supposed to and pursue a full-blown wishful thinking after.

there are just so many things that i want to do. so many things i dream of doing, like taking up a masters degree just so i can upgrade an almost non-existent intellect. yes, its true that routinary work weakens your logic and memory because you get too much adapted to pattern. and adapting to pattern is, in every way, the doom of your supposed desire to move forward.

life after college is the REAL LIFE, i want to beg to disagree but the evidences laid on the table are too real to contest. and its up every person on how to deal with it. its either we deal with it or we deal with it. good options, right? because at the end of the day, we all realize that there's no choice at all.

and with that let us all live.

musings inside a moving fx

there are so many things that had happened, im not even sure if i can still be all-specific when i write them down, i thought while inside the fx taxi heading home the other night. i was sitting right next to these high-school kids who i thought were siblings until i saw them hold hands in the darkness. the boy was too short he looks like he was in 2nd grade and the girl is obviously taller, towering over the boy as they held hands and giggled. they were whispering sweet nothings to each other like crazy, like they were the only people inside the fx. whew! the kids today, they never fail to surpise and piss me on how advance and on how high-school they can get. my thoughts were shifting from the tiring day i had at the office to the secret lovers i was currently sitting with inside the fx.

and then it hit me. i need something like that. the secret lover. the secret love. whiner. there's so much non-inspiration at the office i can't even remember the jeer i'm supposed to feel when a highschool crush passes by. or the natural high i'm supposed to inhale when an officemate (whom i've began to secretly like) tells me that something's up with me when he saw me put on my lipgloss. i miss those things. there's so much in my life that's began to drift apart, too much parting ways.

maybe i'm being melodramatic again. maybe there's just too many things that's clouding my mind and they're already getting out of proportion. too much clutter. but didn't everyone know that i love clutter?

blame it to the kids who held hands.